Well, reader, in a very shocking twist of events, it turns out that we can actually have nice things. Universal Studios Japan is giving fans a sneak peek into the Super Nintendo World theme park that is set to debut next spring, opening the absolutely adorable Mario Store and Cafe on October 16. This news is almost enough to cause us to forget that Mario is canonically (and disturbingly) 24 years old.
Dubbed the "the world's first Mario Cafe & Store," the shop is located in the Osaka theme park's Hollywood street and comes decked out with blocks, mushrooms, and even a really long queue, USJ announced Wednesday. More importantly, the store also carries pretty much everything a Nintendo fan could possibly want to drown out the pain of the past eight months with sugary snacks and nostalgic merchandise.
Do you like pancakes? Do you like sandwiches? Do you like eating foods shaped like cartoon hats, but with a metric crap-ton of fruit? Get yourself a pancake sandwich (a.k.a the pankeeki sando) decked out to look like the famous duo's iconic uniforms.
Need something to wash down those flapjacks and the seemingly endless existential pain that is existing in 2020? Try a fruit cream soda, which comes complete with a novelty mustache straw, so you can trick your social distance pod into thinking that it's a-you, Mario!
Want to rep your Nintendo pride as you walk around the park, in what is definitely not a nod to Disney's iconic Mickey ears? Grab a Mario hat or a Princess peach crown to top of your look. And while you're at it, maybe grab a throw pillow or a pencil case while you're at it. After all, we're in the middle of a global pandemic -- now is the time to treat yourself!
Although entirely adorable, the existence of this utopia poses several questions. A Nintendo theme park? Cute pancakes? '90s nostalgia? Is this the 2020 turnaround we're all been waiting for? Has God not yet abandoned us? Could there actually hope? Who knows. In the meantime, as you wait for your fix of adorable merch and snacks, take a look at my friend's latest culinary creation partially inspired by this announcement -- a classic bodega-style egg and cheese on a pancake. Here's to hoping their sandwiches will be better than this absolute abomination.