We've collected and summarized all the news you should know, so you can stay informed and have more time to think of better 'golden shower' puns.
Keeping up with the news is like trying to build pyramids out of sand.
At the risk of being a sensitive, self-entitled snowflake, allow me to explore how this random middle-aged man didn't 'perfectly explain' anything.
Keeping up with the news is like trying to decipher a 'Westworld' timeline.
Despite my being a big ol libtard / feminazi / whatever the four young conservatives are calling us these days, I had a bit of an internal debate about going to this protest.
We're about to have the Legion Of Doom running this country. And we aren't talking about the awesomely spiked tag team of wrestling fame.
Oddly specific parallels arise between this eight-year-old comic book arc and the ridiculous, disconcerting mess we now call a reality.
We're not sure how to tell you this, but while you were off having a holiday, the news kept happening. And happening.
These are the shiny dangling keys of 2016.
Check out these ridiculous, real headlines from the past year, and imagine telling them to yourself at the beginning of 2016.
It's our responsibility as Americans to delve into the details of his absurd anti-immigration strategy and expose the utter nonsense of it all.
Keeping up with the news is like going to the mall on December 20. It's frantic, you can never find what you're looking for, and there's always someone screaming.
I'm going to reach back in time to have a bitter but productive debate with the 1999 'Fight Club really speaks to me!' Republican version of myself.