What a Long, Strange Brit It's Been
God damn, I've written a lot about Britney Spears. When I think of all the time I've wasted, all the sands that have flown through the tragically small hourglass that is my limited time on this Earth, while I tip-tapped away on my little keyboard about every last scandal or stupid remark made by this woman, it gives me serious pause. That's why, upon learning of her absolutely and totally non-surprising hostage/bathroom/ambulance/suicide-watch meltdown last night, I decided that rather than devote one more of my limited breaths to chronicling Ms. Spears' Trash Capades, I would solemnly resolve to live out my remaining days breathing the free air of a man who has forever liberated himself from her tyranny (and herpes). You read that right: I will never write about Britney Spears again. So today, I will look back at the long journey she and I have taken together, as a means of bringing our blogger/celebriwhore relationship to a merciful close. Our saga begins five long years and four long blogs ago... November 5, 2003: "Popular singer and 'sex on a stick' Britney Spears recently sat down, put on her Thinking Bra and answered the hard questions. Unlike all of you ungrateful malcontents, she correctly believes '…we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that.' She then finished the interview by reciting the Lord’s Prayer while engaging in an open-mouthed tongue kiss with interviewer Tucker Carlson."
January 16, 2004: "Britney Spears---The fried brain of this popular chanteuse is light, fluffy, and resembles a puff pastry. Lightly dusted with powdered Sweet-N-Low, then served on Wonder bread with mayonnaise, sweet relish, and a side of bubble gum."
January 23, 2004: "Let it be noted that I realize that in twenty years, we’ll be all be listening to a 250-lb. Britney Spears read scripted one-liners about blogs on I Love the Zero-ies."
March 15, 2004: "Britney Spears’ 115 minutes of fame will end suddenly when audiences realize, mid-Pepsi commercial, that she looks exactly like the butch softball player who threatened to beat them up in 11th-grade P.E."
April 13, 2005: "Most Likely Names for Britney Spears’ Recently Announced Expected Child: Donnie-Jo John-Paul II Spears, Madonna-Bob Spears Federline, Billy-Ray Thelonious Federline-Spears, Chastity Jezebel Spearserline, George Herbert Walker Hamentashen Federspears, Lao Tzu-Joe Spears-Federline-Spears, Ashleeee-Ann Menachem Federstein, Baby Boy Doe, Britney Spears Jr."
August 22nd, 2006: "[Britney] is a certified Reiki practitioner, but lost most of her business after being accused of leaving cigarette butts in a client’s aura; She once ate an entire can of vinyl spackle, thinking it was Crisco; Her first pregnancy was a hoax---the baby was actually made of packing peanuts, wads of gum, and hair collected from her shower drain; She's a fat ho."
November 29, 2006: "[Britney] would as soon wave her unclothed ladyparts before your horrified eyes as look at you. This is clearly an example of being careful what you wish for---in this case, your most ardent desire of five years ago has become your brightly-lit nightmare of today, and a vision which once seemed mysterious and unattainable has now caused you to throw up in my throw-up."
November 30, 2006: "I know 98% of you are visiting this site today looking for pictures of Britney Spears' ladyparts, but I'm sorry to say you won't find them here. Instead, please enjoy this picture of a delicious sausage, egg & cheese bagel which I ate in New York once. You'll be much better off than if you'd seen you-know-who's you-know-what. Trust me on this one."
December 18, 2006: "When reached for comment, Spears said, 'That’s nonsense. I take excellent care of Sean Preston and Jayden James. In fact, I just sent them off to the kennels for their shots, a quick neuter, and a flea dip.' The starlet then sped off for a night of zany fun with her best crotch."
- discovered cures for cancer, heart disease, and Mormonism;
- broken Joe DiMaggio's hitting streak record with one foot tied behind my back;
- caught Osama Bin Laden and converted him to Scientology;
- knitted the Great American Novel on a 600-foot scarf; or
- masturbated over 100,000 times.