What a Long, Strange Brit It's Been
God damn, I've written a lot about Britney Spears. When I think of all the time I've wasted, all the sands that have flown through the tragically small hourglass that is my limited time on this Earth, while I tip-tapped away on my little keyboard about every last scandal or stupid remark made by this woman, it gives me serious pause. That's why, upon learning of her absolutely and totally non-surprising hostage/bathroom/ambulance/suicide-watch meltdown last night, I decided that rather than devote one more of my limited breaths to chronicling Ms. Spears' Trash Capades, I would solemnly resolve to live out my remaining days breathing the free air of a man who has forever liberated himself from her tyranny (and herpes). You read that right: I will never write about Britney Spears again. So today, I will look back at the long journey she and I have taken together, as a means of bringing our blogger/celebriwhore relationship to a merciful close. Our saga begins five long years and four long blogs ago... November 5, 2003: "Popular singer and 'sex on a stick' Britney Spears recently sat down, put on her Thinking Bra and answered the hard questions. Unlike all of you ungrateful malcontents, she correctly believes '…we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that.' She then finished the interview by reciting the Lord’s Prayer while engaging in an open-mouthed tongue kiss with interviewer Tucker Carlson."
January 16, 2004: "Britney Spears---The fried brain of this popular chanteuse is light, fluffy, and resembles a puff pastry. Lightly dusted with powdered Sweet-N-Low, then served on Wonder bread with mayonnaise, sweet relish, and a side of bubble gum."
January 23, 2004: "Let it be noted that I realize that in twenty years, we’ll be all be listening to a 250-lb. Britney Spears read scripted one-liners about blogs on
- discovered cures for cancer, heart disease, and Mormonism;
- broken Joe DiMaggio's hitting streak record with one foot tied behind my back;
- caught Osama Bin Laden and converted him to Scientology;
- knitted the Great American Novel on a 600-foot scarf; or
- masturbated over 100,000 times.