by Ian Cooper

God damn, I’ve written a lot about Britney Spears. When I think of all the time I’ve wasted, all the sands that have flown through the tragically small hourglass that is my limited time on this Earth, while I tip-tapped away on my little keyboard about every last scandal or stupid remark made by this woman, it gives me serious pause.

That’s why, upon learning of her absolutely and totally non-surprising hostage/bathroom/ambulance/suicide-watch meltdown last night, I decided that rather than devote one more of my limited breaths to chronicling Ms. Spears’ Trash Capades, I would solemnly resolve to live out my remaining days breathing the free air of a man who has forever liberated himself from her tyranny (and herpes).

You read that right: I will never write about Britney Spears again.

So today, I will look back at the long journey she and I have taken together, as a means of bringing our blogger/celebriwhore relationship to a merciful close. Our saga begins five long years and four long blogs ago…

November 5, 2003: “Popular singer and ’sex on a stick’ Britney Spears recently sat down, put on her Thinking Bra and answered the hard questions. Unlike all of you ungrateful malcontents, she correctly believes ‘…we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that.’ She then finished the interview by reciting the Lord’s Prayer while engaging in an open-mouthed tongue kiss with interviewer Tucker Carlson.”

January 16, 2004: “Britney Spears—The fried brain of this popular chanteuse is light, fluffy, and resembles a puff pastry. Lightly dusted with powdered Sweet-N-Low, then served on Wonder bread with mayonnaise, sweet relish, and a side of bubble gum.”

January 23, 2004: “Let it be noted that I realize that in twenty years, we’ll be all be listening to a 250-lb. Britney Spears read scripted one-liners about blogs on I Love the Zero-ies.”

March 15, 2004: “Britney Spears’ 115 minutes of fame will end suddenly when audiences realize, mid-Pepsi commercial, that she looks exactly like the butch softball player who threatened to beat them up in 11th-grade P.E.”

April 13, 2005: “Most Likely Names for Britney Spears’ Recently Announced Expected Child: Donnie-Jo John-Paul II Spears, Madonna-Bob Spears Federline, Billy-Ray Thelonious Federline-Spears, Chastity Jezebel Spearserline, George Herbert Walker Hamentashen Federspears, Lao Tzu-Joe Spears-Federline-Spears, Ashleeee-Ann Menachem Federstein, Baby Boy Doe, Britney Spears Jr.”

August 22nd, 2006: “[Britney] is a certified Reiki practitioner, but lost most of her business after being accused of leaving cigarette butts in a client’s aura; She once ate an entire can of vinyl spackle, thinking it was Crisco; Her first pregnancy was a hoax—the baby was actually made of packing peanuts, wads of gum, and hair collected from her shower drain; She’s a fat ho.”

November 29, 2006: “[Britney] would as soon wave her unclothed ladyparts before your horrified eyes as look at you. This is clearly an example of being careful what you wish for—in this case, your most ardent desire of five years ago has become your brightly-lit nightmare of today, and a vision which once seemed mysterious and unattainable has now caused you to throw up in my throw-up.”

November 30, 2006: “I know 98% of you are visiting this site today looking for pictures of Britney Spears’ ladyparts, but I’m sorry to say you won’t find them here. Instead, please enjoy this picture of a delicious sausage, egg & cheese bagel which I ate in New York once. You’ll be much better off than if you’d seen you-know-who’s you-know-what. Trust me on this one.”

December 18, 2006: “When reached for comment, Spears said, ‘That’s nonsense. I take excellent care of Sean Preston and Jayden James. In fact, I just sent them off to the kennels for their shots, a quick neuter, and a flea dip.’ The starlet then sped off for a night of zany fun with her best crotch.”

January 5, 2007: “Britney Spears, light of our lives, may have had a rough 2006—an unseemly divorce, some bad press, a rampaging vagina on the loose, you know how it goes—but she’s determined to kick off the new year with a fresh start, promising a renaissance of musical productivity and panty-wearing not seen since before the sweet faux-whorishness of her teens gave way to the unpleasant genuine whorishness of her twenties.”

January 18, 2007: “Ridiculous, indeed—after all, what starry-eyed hip-hoppin’ Jewish beau wouldn’t give his last hoodie to lick Britney’s vomit off his fingers? Peanut butter, on the other hand—that’s just disgusting.”

January 19, 2007: (Video) “Exclusive Sneak Peek at ‘Extreme Makeover: Britney Spears Edition’”

February 20, 2007: “Esther Tognozzi, the enterprising American who owns the salon where Britney Spears (commonly known as The Next Anna Nicole™) shaved her purty little head last weekend, is offering the star’s discarded locks for auction, with bidding beginning at the paltry sum of one million dollars.”

February 21, 2007: “Justin Timberlake, whose fresh dance moves and boyish good looks have led him to be described as ‘a human Michael Jackson,’ has come to the defense of former girlfriend Britney Spears’ decision to shave her head Saturday.”

February 26, 2007: “In addition to privacy, [Britney] asked [rehab staff] for the following provisions essential to her continuing recovery: A jacuzzi filled with Dom Perignon; Outpatient privileges for the occasional barefoot stroll through a rest-stop toilet; A mattress filled with gazillion-dollar bills; A television in each room, showing a constant loop of Crossroads, Britney & Kevin: Chaotic, and DuckTales; An endless supply of gold-plated barf-bags…”

March 6, 2007: “Britney Spears Pre-Show Warm-up Routine: speaks foreign languages, backwards; masturbates with crucifix; rotates head 360 degrees while projectile vomiting; enjoys a Mountain Dew and some Laffy Taffy”

July 7, 2007: “Mama Spears, above, demonstrates the proper technique for bumming a smoke off one’s toddler. (Tip: It’s not “secondhand smoke” if the baby holds the cigarettes!)”

July 24, 2007: “In what has been a boon to gossip writers everywhere, Britney Spears (a.k.a. ‘The World’s Greatest Mom,’ a.k.a. ‘Our Lady of the Blessed Trainwreck,’ a.k.a. ‘Master of Umbrellajitsu,’ a.k.a. ad infinitum) has continued to show no signs of winding down her Year of Living Britneyously.”

July 31, 2007: “Britney Spears is a skank, which explains why she skankety-skanked such a skank skank.”

August 15, 2007: “If we needed any further proof that our darling Brit-Brit has gone over the edge and is now certifiably batshit bonkers, this is it—because as any sane parent can tell you, there is a time and a place for stripping naked and asking the nanny to get into bed with you, but it’s not when the kid is around. Firstly, because it’s irresponsible parenting, of course; but more importantly—and I’m sure Britney’s with me on this one—because the little tykes will cock-block you every time.”

August 27, 2007: “Britney’s children’s toys were found to be contaminated by not only lead, but also Colt 45, crystal meth, bongwater, miscellaneous bodily fluids traced to the Los Angeles Clippers, and some homeless dude’s teeth; After barbecue, raw chicken discovered in crib, Sean Preston found on grill with a beer up his butt.”

November 2, 2007: “… Britney Spears goes on a hunger strike to protest her own horrible Halloween costume.”

December 7, 2007: “I could talk about how Method Man (of the Wu-Tang Clan) said recently that Britney Spears’ head-shaving was a sign of the coming Apocalypse (other signs include breakdancers with backwards feet and talking toilet paper rolls).”

December 20, 2007: “Although Jamie Lynn Spears has confirmed that she is indeed ‘with child,’ older sis and parenting expert Britney is refusing to believe it… However, Britney’s denial actually fits quite well with her preferred philosophy on children: ‘If you ignore them, they’ll go away.’”

Yesterday: “I also think I read somewhere that ‘Umbrella’ was originally offered to Britney Spears, but I for one am glad she declined it, since I would just be spending the whole video thinking about how bad all that water would be for her toe fungus.”

Today: “God damn, I’ve written a lot about Britney Spears.”

… And there you have it; the entirety of my creative efforts expended on Britney’s behalf. In case you were wondering, with the amount of time and energy required to produce this body of work, I could also have:

• discovered cures for cancer, heart disease, and Mormonism;
• broken Joe DiMaggio’s hitting streak record with one foot tied behind my back;
• caught Osama Bin Laden and converted him to Scientology;
• knitted the Great American Novel on a 600-foot scarf; or
• masturbated over 100,000 times.

Think on this, my friends, and seize the day.

(Thanks to WULAD, Junkiness, Offsprung, and this here Cracked Blog, under whose banners the posts quoted above were first written.)

This entry was posted on Friday, January 4th, 2008 at 4:00 pm and is filed under Britney Spears, Celebrities. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.