Yes, he absolutely would lie his Nazi-loving balls off -- and they proved it with motherfucking lasers. While the handwriting in the postcards was being analyzed, FBI investigators noticed one with a big blank space in it:
FilmRise He was either updating a friend on his address, or giving him the silent treatment.
Wondering if there could be a decades-old fingerprint in that space, the FBI asked West Germany if they could dust it ... which was met with a resounding "nein." The Germans didn't want the postcard to be damaged, since making sure that evidence of Nazi atrocities exists forever is kind of their thing. However, the FBI came up with a way to look for fingerprints without touching the postcard: by exposing it to a laser that, when in contact with human oils, makes them visible to the naked eye. The result was a big, fat, 40-year-old thumbprint that perfectly matched Archbishop Trifa's.
Soon thereafter, Trifa gave up his U.S. citizenship and agreed to be deported to spare his congregation from "the financial burden" of his trial. Wow. If the Nazis had a saint, it would be this guy.
Italian Police Follow An Incredibly Complex Chain Of DNA Samples To Solve A Murder
Yara Gambirasio was a 13-year-old gymnastics enthusiast who went missing in Italy in November of 2010. Her body was discovered three months later in a field. Someone in Italy had done this, and the authorities were going to find that someone even if they had to test every goddamn person in the country. That is not hyperbole.
Kat88/Wiki Commons Yes, even the ones living in that large piece of gum stuck to the boot.
DNA had been collected off of the girl's body, and when no matches were found in the existing database, authorities simply expanded that database -- they took close to 22,000 voluntary DNA swabs from people living in the area.
Eventually, they got a partial hit: Damiano Guerinoni was not an exact match, but testing indicated that someone in his family might be. Unfortunately, that family was larger than some entire towns: his father had 11 brothers and sisters. The investigators kept looking, until they finally got a closer match from Damiano's uncle, bus driver Giuseppe Guerinoni. Case closed, right? Not really, since Guiseppe had died 11 years earlier (they got the sample from a postage stamp). His children were tested and cleared, and he had no other offspring that his wife knew of.
Note that we said "knew of."
Blitz If he hadn't been dead yet, he would have been soon.
Apparently, our driver friend had a rather "active" social life outside the bounds of his marriage, and had a secret son somewhere along the way. Authorities were now looking for a bastard, both figuratively and literally. After putting together an exhaustive list of 532 living women who "Casanova" Guerinoni had or could have slept with, they tested all of them, twice, and found a match with 67-year-old Ester Arzuffi. It turned out that her oldest two children, twins, had been fathered by ol' Giuseppe. The female twin was quickly ruled out, which left Ester's son: 43-year-old Massimo Giuseppe Bossetti.
Police quickly got a DNA sample from Massimo under the guise of a breathalyzer test -- it was a match to the DNA found at the crime scene. He was sentenced to life in prison and, we can only hope, to being punched in the nuts by every single one of the 22,000 people he inconvenienced.
Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex. On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think. Tickets go on sale soon!
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