Leaked Excerpts from 15 Year-Old Miley Cyrus's "Memoir"
Seriously, that would be my Memoir because it turns out that fifteen-year- olds don't know anything about anything. Still, despite logic, reason or good judgment, someone decided to hire Actress/ Singer/ Songwriter/ SnakeMonster Hannah Montana to write an autobiography, and, according to reports, she just finished. Now, devotees of the site will recall that, about a year ago, I began what some in the liberal media elite have dubbed an "unprovoked and inappropriate feud" with that bitch who plays Hannah Montana. How involved was this feud? Well, as evidence, every single letter in
Probably not the cover of her book.From Chapter Three: An Unforgettable Call "The day Disney called me to tell me I'd landed the part of Hannah Montana was the most important day of my life. I can't even imagine what my life was like before that moment. Literally. Disney's team of scientists blasted me with a specific enzyme, (CaMKII), which erased all the memories I had prior to being cast as Hannah, so now I can't access any of those early memories. Every once in a while, I get weird flashes of the life I
From Chapter Six: BFFS! "The actors that the studio hired to be my friends are okay, I guess. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for me psychologically if I was allowed to grow up out of the spotlight and make friends naturally, and organically. Meeting people, bonding over common interests, learning how to compromise. That sort of thing. But, in a way, doesn't
From Chapter Twelve: Insanity Fair! Lol. No, But Seriously, This Was Humiliating. "One day, I worked with professional photographer Annie Leibowitz to shoot the cover of Vanity Fair. I've never heard of her, but my handlers assured me that I'm very honored to be working with her. We took a bunch of uncomfortable pictures that, personally, really bothered me. My handlers assured me that they were 'tasteful and artistic,' so when interviewers asked me about them later, that's what I said. A few months later, my handlers assured me to admit that they were a mistake that I'm embarrassed by, so that's what I said to everyone. Reportedly, I feel like this was a real learning experience for me, personally and professionally.
Even though I didn't want to take this photo in the first place, I'm told that doing things I don't want to do, (and then pretending I
From Chapter Eight: Text Mess! "GROSS! UGH, I had the WORST DAY. I was texting at dinner tonight and Mom got mad, so she took away one of my cellphones! Can you
From Chapter 23: Miley Harvey Oswald "In conjunction with an unclassified branch of the United States Government, the Disney Corporation had me go back in time and assassinate John F. Kennedy. Stay in school!"
From Chapter 25: Boy Toy! "The Disney Corporation was nice enough to give me a boyfriend!! He's a total hottie, I think he's a model, and he's real sweet, but also a robot. Disney was worried that I'd get all pregnant on them and they'd have another Spears mess on their hands, so they built and designed the perfect boyfriend for me. It's nice to walk around and hold hands with him, but we don't always agree on everything. Like, sometimes, I just want to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie, but all he wants to do is recharge his batteries and check for security updates. But I guess all relationships have their ups and downs. Believe in yourself!"
From Chapter 30: PICTURES! "This is me performing at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards! Oh My God, so much fun."
All photoshops courtesy of Randall.