Cracked Columnists

The Greatest News Headline You'll Ever Read

I gotta tell you, folks, there's nothing more disappointing than spending four hours on an eight-page commentary on the life and times of Patrick Swayze as a tribute before he dies, only to find out, (and from the News on Cracked, no less), that he isn't even fucking dying. So I will not be running that tribute today, as I had originally intended, but you can rest assured that it was tasteful, moving and it just might have healed the world a little bit. I would have moved you readers to tears with this tribute, but that shark-eyed bastard decided hed rather stay alive a little bit longer. Selfish, really, if you think about it. I'll hold on to it in case he ever does decide to move on to that great big Road House in the sky.

So, lets move on to lighter news. Before I proceed, I dont want anyone to get the wrong impression of me: I dont normally read the National Ledger. In fact, I rarely venture far from this site to get my daily news, (which is why I learned about Swayzes immortality through Lex Friedman), but I may have to start checking out the ole Ledger.

See, I was doing various Google searches, (Hannah+Montana+Bitch, Hannah+Montana+Cancer, Hannah+Montana+Daniel+OBrien, Hannah+Montana+Snake-Monster?), when I stumbled upon quite possibly the greatest headline the internet has ever seen. Thats right, the National Ledger reports that Despite Hannah Montana Success, Miley Cyrus is Lonely. The story goes on to point out another episode of the awful, Christ-hating Miley And Mandy Show wherein Miley whines about being alone. What a bitch, right? Seems like all the fame, money, and success in the world cant compensate for the fact that youre fat-eyed Snake-Monster, can it? (It cant.)

Man. I cant wait till she turns 18 and I can legally murder her.

Now, I dont want to take full credit for Montanas loneliness. I mean, Id be lying if I said I didnt think I played a small role, but really, it was all of us. All of the comments you heroes have been leaving are finally starting to get to her Probably.

Anyway, last week, a handful of the comments came from people wondering why exactly there was so much hatred aimed at Hannah Montana. What has she ever done wrong, people asked. She just seems like a regular, fifteen year old girl, others pointed out. Please stop sending her pictures of your genitals, her lawyers warned. I can understand how it might not be clear why Im campaigning against her. The world-devouring destructive force that is the Disney Machine has some pretty serious abilities in the brainwashing department. But if the 200 some odd comments of totally true Hannah Montana facts havent convinced you, perhaps a poorly photoshopped picture of her with a little Hitler moustache will do the trick.

Yeah. Now you understand. Anyway, lets move on to some of my favorite Mabisms from last week.

[Also, if any of you heroes wanna head on over to Wikipedia and edit her entry such that it reflects some of the facts featured on this blog well Im just sayin it wouldnt go unnoticed. ]

DIE BITCH DIE BITCH DIE BITCH DIE BITCH (it goes on like that) - Apocowarg

When you shoot Hannah Montana, her body lies still sufficiently long enough for you to be reassured of her demise, then when you turn your back she gets back up again. - MagicPaul

Hannah Montana composts abortion-clinic leavings in her backyard in exchange for frequent-aborter discounts. -GlennGod help me, I love painting Hannah Montana as a serial abortionist.-D.O.B.



Is Hannah Montana the reason why we dont have a Nooner today? -NadiaAbsolutely.-D.O.B.

Hannah Montana put nipples in the bat suit -alirio

Hannah Montana likes soccer.-suck poppet

You know how sometimes youre on the verge of falling asleep and you get that feeling like youve just lost your balance and are about to fall down? Hannah Montana. -Doctor X

Hannah Montana curbstomps orphans.-SeanThere was a lot of competition in the Hannah Montana Does Something to Orphans department. Curbstomping really resonated with me.-D.O.B.

Hannah Montana is in the other room right now, telling your wife EVERYTHING. -tashton

Hannah Montanna is responsible for some truly terrible music. -Andronicus Pantaloons

Hannah Montana smuggles drugs in the hollowed-out bodies of babies. -Kittcat141

Too bad that even if Daniels blog beats Swaims record for most replies, Hannah Montana will keep him from getting a handjob. -lbhWithout a doubt, my least favorite of all of her black magic powers.-D.O.B.

Hannah Montana raped our horses and rode off on our women!-meowmix

Hannah Montana made her first name a palindrome so its easier for Satan to worship her when he plays her records backwards.-carpe cervisiam

God is dead - Neitzche

Neitzche is dead - God

I ate God - Hannah Montana- Commander Snarky

Hannah Montana spits poison on newborns, then bathes in their blood in order to prolong her aging. -Dr Jab

hannah montana keeps the black man down.-C She sure does, C. Be strong.-D.O.B

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Daniel O'Brien

  • Rss

More by Daniel O'Brien:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

181 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!