Miley, Mandy and Me (Hannah Montana's a Bitch)
Some of you may not be aware of this, but the contract for being a Cracked Blogger states that you have to share a house with all of the other Cracked Bloggers. I moved in a couple of weeks ago. Its not so bad. I share a bed with Gladstone, who is, astonishingly enough, even hairier than he looks on film. I miss my girlfriend and family and sometimes its a little uncomfortable, living in a small house with five other guys. Also, I dont think Swaim knows that Im part black. Im running out of excuses to give him when he asks me to accompany him to his White Supremacist meetings, which actually happen a lot more frequently than you might expect.
It gets awkward.
No matter how strange and often aggravating living in a Cracked House gets, I cant imagine that it would ever be quite as irritating as sharing a house with that bitch who plays Hannah Montana. What is that belief based on, you ask? An irrational hatred that, perhaps, borders on obsessive? Not this time. (Thoseothertimes, though, yes, absolutely.) This time around, I have hardcore evidence to back up my reasons for thinking Hannah The Holocaust Never Happened Montana would make an awful roommate. Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present that bitch who plays Hannah Montanas new Youtube show The Miley and Mandy Show.
If you didnt watch it, (which would be totally understandable), I can sum it up: Hannah Montana and her stupid fucking friend run around for about eight minutes screaming at the top of their lungs for no discernible reason. Also, she has more money than you could ever imagine and shes never had to put in an honest days work once in her life. I just dont understand why this grinning, shrieking harpy is famous for anything. Again, I dont watch whatever her actual TV show is, but is it anything like this? Two unremarkable fifteen year olds doing cartwheels and flaunting their giant teeth? Why does this little bastard-faced fathead have so much more money than I do?
Instead of complaining to strangers and sending hate mail to where I assume Hannah lives, (which I do on a daily basis), I'll drown my sorrows in some of my favorite Montana's-a-Bitch-isms ("Mabisms") from last week:
Hannah Montana is the reason your dad left.-uber
Hannah Montana poops in your coffee, every single morning. -tashton
Hanna Montana has had, to date, 665 abortions. The 666th will be the antichrist. -Garida
Hannah Montana secretly masterminded the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. Shes totally, like, soooo against a Democratic Pakistan yall. -lbh
Hannah Montana is calling you from INSIDE THE HOUSE! -pimphand
Hannah Montana keeps JFK and John Lennon as pets on a derelict island in the south pacific.-IHateHannah
Nicolas Cage has made many bad movies. -Gladstone
New Hannah Montana album tracklisting:
1. Communism Rocks!
2. Mahmoud Ahmadinejab is My Best Friend
3. Eat Your Parents
4. Hey Kids! Meth Tastes Like Candy!
5. Mmmm Baby Rape!
6. Heil Hannah!
7. Murder is Fun For Everyone
8. KILL!!!!!!!
9. I Just Ate a Kitten
10. Fuck the Geneva Convention
11. So What (Anti-Nowhere League cover look up the lyrics) -Vimmy
Hannah Montana invented racism.
Hannah Montana gave Michael J. Fox Parkinsons.
Hannah Montana is a Patriots fan. -Neil
Hannah Montana once hurt me badly.
I wrote a film script I was extremely proud of, and I was copyediting it one night, when the window beside blew through into a million splinterry pieces. Then, dressed in a black cloak, Hannah Montana stepped through under cover of a howling gale, grinning like a loon.
I demand your script, Ive heard about it in my underground cave of doom, and I think its going to make me even MORE of a millionaire.
No Hannah Montana, this is MY script. I worked very hard on this, I told her, quite sadly.
Ignorant peon, stand aside.
She took my script by brute force, and for good measure, kicked my cat up the butt. Then she left, cackling manically.
My cat cant sit down properly any more. And she turned my stolen film script into the Bratz Movie and sold it on. -Captain Ross
Hannah Montana gave Magic Johnson AIDS.-Oleo
Hannah Montana told me she was 19. -Juanito Gallo
And my personal favorite:
Who the fuck is Hannah Montana? -newslamp
Hannah Montana is the reason I couldn't post this until 2011.
ReplyHannah Montana spoils all of Andrew WK's parties.
ReplyThat's just plain f**king wrong. That guy is only alive because of parties and she ruins them? That b***h.
v
ReplyHannah Montana is the reason why George W. Bush can't pronunce "Nuclear" correctly.
ReplyCheck out Robert Lund's song "The Awful Truth About Hannah Montana"
ReplyShe can't sing and she's annoying. >.< And the kid's only 18. >.
Replywa tha f**k hannah montana is awesom and she is a boss singer
Oh, s**t! She has infected the website!
I ran into this poor excuse for a woman one time at the Guitar Center that used to be on 42nd Street. She looks like she just dropped out of middle school and has a problem with heavy metal and Dimebag Darrell's guitars.
ReplyHannah Montana is the reason why Santa doesn't exist.
ReplyI watched the video. WTF was that? They were so loud too... "WELCUM TUUU.. THE MILEY AND MANDY SHOW! EEEHEEHEHEHEHEEHEEHEEE"
Replyhannah fucked me and used my penis as a hammer and a helicopter
Replymadia and im duhn duhn duuuhhhnn! IM BOTH DOCTOR LOVER AND MAIDAHUMPER!
Replywtf! who is maida? and why do i feel the need to use her intestines as a condom! also miley doesnt give two blumpkins a bout the sandpeople and you:maida, will die a virgin
Replymy bad i meant:"maida not madia but still she turns tricks at my local arbys
Replyheres a ditty: hannah is behind the terroist movements,the reason why fathers in the army die,and masturbate to madias mom and give her dad:osama bin laden a blumpkin
ReplyBy far the best musician of our generation. Kurt Cobain is
ReplyFuck you all. I'm the real Hannah Montana. Miley Cyrus is a fucking body double. Fucktards.
ReplyHannah Montana is the reason that "The Proposal" happened.
ReplyHannah Montana likes to shoot bums out of cannons for fun
Replywhy did Hannah Montana cross the road? To make sure both sides were fucking miserable with her presence
ReplyShe a dum bicth i hate cause she doesnt like black people her clothes
Reply