Hannah Montana Should Date the Cracked Readers
Given my recent campaign against serial abortionist/poorly-disguised Snake Monster Hannah Montana, I've been getting a whole lot of letters. Not just from Hannah's managers and lawyers and the FBI demanding that I stop harassing her, but from you, the Cracked readers and writers. Gladstone, for example, sent along this helpful article wherein Hannah is described as a juggernaut for her trampling of U2, the Super Bowl and the movie theater industry at large. In this article, sent by JoJo, Hannah Montana claims that she will not turn out to be the next Britney Spears but, suspiciously, she doesn't say anything about not turning out to be the next Pol Pot. Eric 616 sent along this uncomfortable article including scandalous photos that may or may not be of the 15 year old, totally-illegal-and-as-a-result-totally-hideous Hannah Montana, scantily clad and covered in some of that middle-school-dance-sweat we all remember. Also, someone sent a package to the Cracked House that just contained a lock of Cyrus's hair and what I think was one of her toenails. While I appreciate your dedication and resourcefulness, whoever you are, (let's face it: Swaim), I can't in good conscience condone this sort of behavior.
Finally, I received an article in an email from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. The article, a continuation on the "Miley Cyrus is Lonely and Reptilian" piece from last week's National Ledger, describes Cyrus's methods for finding a new boyfriend. Apparently, she cruises IMDB for likely candidates and will, presumably, pick whichever one she likes the most, utilize his services for reproduction, bite off his head and lay her eggs in his rotting carcass, (thanks, Animal Planet!). While I fully support the decision to look for a significant other over the internet, I've got to say, Hannah, you're on the wrong website. What kind of guys are you gonna find on IMDB? A bunch of whiny, pampered, delusional celebrities whose personalities have been completely destroyed by the Hollywood machine, that's what kind. Do you really think you're gonna find a good guy on IMDB? Who? Burt Reynolds? Clint Howard? Walter Mathau? He's not even alive, Montana.
No, if you want to find a good man, you should look no further than Cracked-Mother-Fucking-dot-com. You want a guy who's funny, smart, articulate, and has a functioning internet connection: in short, the Cracked Blog Commenters.
Me? Oh, that's flattering, Hannah, you raging bitch, it truly is. I'd gladly throw my expensive hat in the ring, but, you see, you're fifteen years old, so all I see when I look at you is a ziplock bag full of cold animal fat in a t-shirt. Circumstances different, I'd be glad to swing by your mansion in my 97 Nissan Sentra, take you out for a night on the town filled with dining, dancing, and perhaps some light boning, but I'm just far too old and morally responsible to see you as anything other than a rotting pile of shit with an enormous mouth.
The Cracked Blog Commenters, however, I can not speak for, which means good news for you. Seriously. You want someone funny? Check out some of last week's Mabisms and see for yourself what some of the funniest minds on the internet can come up with:
"Hannah Montana dug up your grandpas corpse and took a shit on it." -Neil
"Hannah Montanas unborn children, if laid end to end, should be able to circle the globe, but they do not because their mothers scorn causes them to line up in an efficient double-helix configuration. This fetus-sized DNA is the blueprint for the anti-christ." -Glenn
"Hannah Montana made Dan OBrien not feature one of my Hannah Montanisms this week." -Gladstone.True story.-D.O.B.
"Hannah Montana invented Hannah Montana." -mantelliThat's just fuckin' deep, right there.-D.O.B.
"hannah montana make everybody mock of you in high school" -siegGod help me, I love Sieg's accent.
"Hanna Montana is sending you a Cease & Desist letter." -Jester21Sent, received, and shredded.-D.O.B.
I'd really like to keep this going so, perhaps to shake things up a bit, instead of posting Mabisms in the comments below, post a few reasons why you, the Cracked Commenters, should be Hannah Montana's new boyfriend. If it is at all within my power, I will make sure these posts are brought to Hannah Montana's attention. So, Highlight some of your good qualities. I, for example, can cook, am adequate at racquetball, and probably won't blindfold you and drop you off in a forest on our second date.
How about you? One of us is going to be dating Hannah Montana by the end of the year. And then we'll be ready for Phase 2...
... 16 and scared here, DOB.
ReplyHanna Montana is preventing the great Danish indie band Mew from coming to Australia. She intervenes personally. She also made me cut myself shaving and caused an allergic reaction on my skin. Can I sue her?
Replyhannah montana performs felatio on cacti.
Replyhannah montana assassinated JFK, Lennon, and introduced courtney love to kurt cobain.
hannah montana is the reason i get up in the morning.
I'm allergic to latex so I choose to make a love glove out of prechewed big league chew. While tasty, I admit that it is totally ineffective at preventing pregnancy and the spread of vag pimples! (disclaimer: if you chew on my penis I will donkey punch you to the stone age!)
ReplyHa, Miley chose me ages ago. As soon as she saw me, that was it - she was hooked. Everyday she tells me how much she loves me and how beautiful I am.. It'd be embarrassing, but you get used to this kind of thing when you're a full-length mirror.
ReplyMy personal favourite Mabism.
Dear Cracked Readers: while I appreciate the offer, I think I'll continue to rape DOB in his sleep until he realizes I am his soul mate. Unfortunately at that time I will be forced to eat him as he will no longer be useful to me.
ReplyHannah Montana eats babies for lunch and disabled people for dinner! When she doesn't shave, she looks like a wookie. She is the epitome of evil. She needs to be stopped.
ReplyAlso, Parmesh, you are a god among men.
ReplyDear anonymous:
ReplyIn defense of DOB, I really don't think it's the fact that he's a closeted pedo that made him write this defamatory article, he's obviously not closeted, but rather it is the fact that Miley Cyrus is a dishonest, plastic bitch without a human soul. Everything she does is calculated to sell a poster or a backpack at the expense of even remembering what honesty and integrity felt like. She's like a suppository tablet of consumerism as a substitute for art, soul, or talent.
I would not touch her body unless I was smacking her and telling her that she is the reason for genocide, rape, murder, ignorance, violence, hatred, apathy, stupidity, exploitation and suffering.
On the day of the apocalypse, the devil will arise from a mountain of stone-washed designer jeans and rhinestones, gargling Budweiser and menstrual blood and laughing at our $34 haircuts and sow-like devouring and regurgitation of all that is marketable. And he will be singing about "The Climb."
I can't believe I just wasted the last 1/2 hour reading all those comments...
ReplyI'm a straight chick, but if hannah montana want's someone who may or may not blindfold her and drop her off in the woods on a FIRST date i think i might be available.
ReplyHannah Montana should date me because I will cut of her snake head and eat her skin... I mean we will go out for ice cream.
ReplyHannah Montana should date me because I've got a penis and she can't hope for much else in a man, can she?
ReplyHannah Montana should date me because I'm smart, funny, attractive and educated.
ReplyBut also because I can't act or sing, so we'd have something in common.
hannah have you went to jail before dont send me back lil gurl ya' digg
Replydo you realy smoke crack and dont send me back o.kkkkk lil girl
ReplyWhy should I be her new boyfriend?
ReplyBecause not even an eternity in hell would suffice as penance for the horrible things I have done in this lifetime. However, after about 15 minutes in her presence I'd probably be on the ground begging for forgiveness.
I'd take her out for a walk in the forest where we'd happen upon a family of deer. Of course, I'd violently kill them, ripping their heads off with my bare hands to feed to the prepubescent Snake Monster. Afterwards, there would be a slight rape scene amongst the blood and carnage, as well as a three minute pregnancy that'll end with a homemade abortion using a tree branch. If she's really lucky and plays her cards right, she may even end up with a hot glob of deer semen resting in her rectum before she goes home for the night.
ReplyAnd that is (apparently) why I should be with the disgusting hypnotic bitch.
>>he’s a pedo and wants to make sweet love to her poontang
ReplyUh wait. Are you saying you don't?
Dan O'Brien is, quite clearly, a closeted pedophile. He has an unnatural sexual attraction towards Miley Cyrus despite the fact that she's a child and such an attraction violates multiple social norms as well as the expectation for cracked Writers to hold her in disdain. Opposites attract after all. He responds to this unnatural attraction by lashing out against her, slandering her, and going to lengths to fool people into thinking that he he has no desire sexual desire for her and instead, feels just the opposite.
ReplyIn short, he's a pedo and wants to make sweet love to her poontang.