World Cup Preview for (and by) People Who Don't Care
The World Cup kicks off in South Africa this Friday, a fact Cracked management was only made aware of when they discovered several of our forum members talking about it, during a routine poetry-sweep of the forums.* "I guess this is kind of a big deal right?" one of our editors wondered aloud during a recent pitch meeting. "To people, right? There are some people who think this thing is the business, right? The shit, the bee's knees, the owl's prolapsed rectum? Right? We should definitely probably have at least something written for these people. I may have just smoked a whole wheelbarrow of peyote, but Christ, I am positive they exist."
*Cracked's Corporate Social Responsibility Policy explicitly prohibits the production or dissemination of poetry, or any written work which makes use of symbolism or pleasing aesthetic features.
And as Cracked's Official Overseas Correspondent, it was all but guaranteed that I would be tasked with the assignment. I had no particular problem with that, knowing that thanks to our audience's unfamiliarity with the game, I could get away with even sloppier research than normal. So that said, below I present a short preview on what you can expect from this, the 437th World Cup!
The World Cup is held every seven years, with 32 nations from around the world competing in a tournament of the lowest common denominator of sports: soccer. Following preliminary group stages, the evening gown stage and the final knock out games, one team will eventually triumph. The country that wins the World Cup then takes over the presidency of the One World Government for the next seven years.