World Cup Preview for (and by) People Who Don't Care
The World Cup kicks off in South Africa this Friday, a fact Cracked management was only made aware of when they discovered several of our forum members talking about it, during a routine poetry-sweep of the forums.* "I guess this is kind of a big deal right?" one of our editors wondered aloud during a recent pitch meeting. "To people, right? There are some people who think this thing is the business, right? The shit, the bee's knees, the owl's prolapsed rectum? Right? We should definitely probably have at least something written for these people. I may have just smoked a whole wheelbarrow of peyote, but Christ, I am positive they exist." *Cracked's Corporate Social Responsibility Policy explicitly prohibits the production or dissemination of poetry, or any written work which makes use of symbolism or pleasing aesthetic features. And as Cracked's Official Overseas Correspondent, it was all but guaranteed that I would be tasked with the assignment. I had no particular problem with that, knowing that thanks to our audience's unfamiliarity with the game, I could get away with even sloppier research than normal. So that said, below I present a short preview on what you can expect from this, the 437th World Cup! The Basics The World Cup is held every seven years, with 32 nations from around the world competing in a tournament of the lowest common denominator of sports: soccer. Following preliminary group stages, the evening gown stage and the final knock out games, one team will eventually triumph. The country that wins the World Cup then takes over the presidency of the One World Government for the next seven years.
Did You Know?
America's poor performance in soccer and simple, childish jealousy is the main reason the One World Government is so unpopular there.
What's called "soccer" in America is called "football" everywhere else in the world. This is because they do not speak English very well everywhere else in the world. In this column I'll use the names interchangeably, because I don't want to take the time to do any editing or proofreading.
During the course of play, players are not allowed to touch the ball with their hands or arms, with the exception of one player per team, whose identity is kept a secret until he can use his ability to maximum effect.
Soccer bouts are notoriously low scoring, with scores of 0-0 reoccurring often. In almost any sport in America, a score that low would actually result in attendees wildly discharging weapons at the players, but fans of soccer will say this low scoring makes the goals that do happen more exciting. When a tedious bit of midfield play opens up into a seamless, flowing attack, the rush of excitement is all the more powerful for the boredom that preceded it. In short, it's a typical "quality" versus "quantity" argument. I can respect that, but honestly, I suspect that an awful lot of quality can be derived from a focus on quantity. It's like putting a chimpanzee in an old folks' home and locking the doors. Sure he's going to terrorize some old people. But if you get him drunk first, you're guaranteed to get a lot more terrorizing,