World Cup Preview for (and by) People Who Don't Care
During the course of play, players are not allowed to touch the ball with their hands or arms, with the exception of one player per team, whose identity is kept a secret until he can use his ability to maximum effect.
The World Cup kicks off in South Africa this Friday, a fact Cracked management was only made aware of when they discovered several of our forum members talking about it, during a routine poetry-sweep of the forums.* "I guess this is kind of a big deal right?" one of our editors wondered aloud during a recent pitch meeting. "To people, right? There are some people who think this thing is the business, right? The shit, the bee's knees, the owl's prolapsed rectum? Right? We should definitely probably have at least something written for these people. I may have just smoked a whole wheelbarrow of peyote, but Christ, I am positive they exist."
*Cracked's Corporate Social Responsibility Policy explicitly prohibits the production or dissemination of poetry, or any written work which makes use of symbolism or pleasing aesthetic features.
And as Cracked's Official Overseas Correspondent
Although the horrible men who run the game will state otherwise, the rules of football specifically encourage this behavior. The potential rewards for diving are so high and the potential downsides so non-existent, that in many cases it's foolish for an attacking player not to dive. The chance of gaining a small competitive edge via a dive is worth it in exchange for looking like a man who falls over from his own farts.
_____________
Team Previews
Argentinian Team Jersey.
______
Germany
Another traditional powerhouse, the Germans are a little less feared this year, having lost dangerous midfielder Klaus Hundfocker and many other veteran players to the mandatory euthanasia program Germany implemented in the 1980s, when a poor translation of the film Logan's Run led the entire country to walk out of the movie with entirely the wrong message.
German Team Jersey.
______
England
English Team Jersey.
______
France
Even if you don't follow football, you might remember the animated gifs that were barfed over the forums of the Internet in 2006, when that one guy on the French team nearly put his head through that other guy's chest.
Holy shit was that ever awesome. Yeah, anyways, that guy's not playing this year. Lord, this soccer game continues to disappoint.
French Team Jersey. Note how they've also shamelessly pilfered the American team's colors.
______
Brazil
Brazilian Team Jersey.
______
Italy
The returning champions Italy will again try to defend their crown with their famed Azzuri defense, which involves putting several extra players on the field illegally, then kidnapping the referee's family, then standing around smoking cigarettes until the game is over and they've won.
Italian Team Jersey.
______
USA
Yes, the Americans do have a team playing at this World Cup, despite the fact that most Americans still only have the vaguest notion of what a "world" is, and only know a "cup" as the thing 48 ounces of Dr. Pepper comes in. The American team has big hopes resting on their new coach this year, former actor Emilio Estevez, who experts predict will deploy some interesting new formations
USA Team Jersey.
______
North Korea
A surprise entrant, North Korea made it into the tournament when the three other teams in their qualifying group all died under mysterious circumstances. Interestingly, both North Korea and South Korea are in the World Cup this year, and a meeting between the two would be extremely interesting, but for the fact that the odds of them playing each other are ridiculously unlikely, to the point that it would require a dump truck full of zeros to properly express the probability of such a match.
North Korean Team Jersey. Note they appear to have been hastily assembled.
______
