As a rule, none of the Cracked bloggers talk at great length about themselves. Sure we add a few touches here and there to make certain articles funnier or more relatable, but these items are almost always exaggerated, if not outright fictions. For example, reading many of Dan's posts, you wouldn't picture him as an elderly Chinese woman, which he most assuredly is. This policy was put in place long ago by our editors, partly to keep the blog relevant to as wide an audience as possible, and also partly due to a healthy fear of the stalkers and readers with lurking-themed criminal records who realistically make up the bulk of said audience.
As a consequence, most of our regular readers won't be aware of the fact that I'm Canadian, and Cracked.com's official "Overseas Correspondent." The reason I don't talk about it much is because it honestly isn't that amusing. It turns out that all of the funny Canadian jokes have already been told, and in retrospect, they weren't that funny to begin with, e.g, we all say "aboot," we're all unfailingly polite, and we all live in igloos, hur hur hur. Also, we unnecessarily add 'U's to perfectly good words like colour, neighbour and couck-sucker.
I bring up my shameful northern heritage today because it's Canada Day, our nation's birthday. Canada Day is just like your Independence Day, except it's about 3 days earlier, and we never had a movie made about it where Bill Pullman plays the President. (Nice one, Hollywood.) So, because I've been drunk all weekend and don't know what else is going on in the world, and also to further Americo-Canadio relations on the Internet, here I present several facts about our country, which as far as I know, are basically correct:
Canada became a country in 1867 when we filled in the proper forms with the British government.
Our national animal is the beaver. It was chosen as a symbol of our country's glory for its ability to soar majestically over the landscape on its wide tail.
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police is Canada's national police force, which along with providing basic local law enforcement duties, also fulfills similar roles to all those American agencies with the letters, like the FBI, DEA and TGI Friday's.
Due to the tilt of the Earth's axis, and our northern latitude, during the winter months Canada actually travels backwards in time several days.
The Canadian accent is actually much milder than most Americans imagine, and many Canadians live and work amongst Americans undetected, constantly gathering hair samples.
Yes, hockey is still quite a big deal up here. You should really give it a chance sometime. It's fast paced and hard-hitting and oh fuck it... I can't do it any more. Hockey sucks. We admit it.
You can not catch HIV from sitting on a Canadian.
Re: hockey. I'm not kidding. This past season I watched almost no hockey, and it was great. You know what's better than watching hockey for three hours? Fucking anything.
Canada is a constitutional monarchy, which technically means we have to obey the Queen if she orders us to do something. It's mainly a symbolic thing however, as she rarely exercises the privilege - the last time being in 1978 when she ordered us to execute Gordon Lightfoot.
Measured by landmass, Canada is the second most obese country in the world, after Russia.
The name Canada is derived from the native word 'Kanata,' meaning 'village.' This name was chosen over the protests of early explorer John Shortcock, who wanting to name it after his wife, lobbied strongly for the name "Mrs. Shortcockland."
The thing is we're just no good at sports that involve balls. Football, baseball, soccer, golf, you name it, we suck at it. Anything involving something vaguely spherical in fact. Hot Air Ballooning? Don't even fucking talk to me about Hot Air Ballooning.
Canada is the home of many great inventions, like the electric light bulb, the television, the telephone, and intellectual property theft.
Canada has the world's largest coastline.
Canada has the world's highest percentage of schoolchildren who know which country has the world's largest coastline.