15 Reasons Canada is better than your country
As a rule, none of the Cracked bloggers talk at great length about themselves. Sure we add a few touches here and there to make certain articles funnier or more relatable, but these items are almost always exaggerated, if not outright fictions. For example, reading many of Dan's posts, you wouldn't picture him as an elderly Chinese woman, which he most assuredly is. This policy was put in place long ago by our editors, partly to keep the blog relevant to as wide an audience as possible, and also partly due to a healthy fear of the stalkers and readers with lurking-themed criminal records who realistically make up the bulk of said audience.
As a consequence, most of our regular readers won't be aware of the fact that I'm Canadian, and Cracked.com's official "Overseas Correspondent." The reason I don't talk about it much is because it honestly isn't that amusing. It turns out that all of the funny Canadian jokes have already been told, and in retrospect, they weren't that funny to begin with, e.g, we all say "aboot," we're all unfailingly polite, and we all live in igloos, hur hur hur. Also, we unnecessarily add 'U's to perfectly good words like colour, neighbour and couck-sucker.
I bring up my shameful northern heritage today because it's Canada Day, our nation's birthday. Canada Day is just like your Independence Day, except it's about 3 days earlier, and we never had a movie made about it where Bill Pullman plays the President. (Nice one, Hollywood.) So, because I've been drunk all weekend and don't know what else is going on in the world, and also to further Americo-Canadio relations on the Internet, here I present several facts about our country, which as far as I know, are basically correct:
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Canada became a country in 1867 when we filled in the proper forms with the British government.
Our national animal is the beaver. It was chosen as a symbol of our country's glory for its ability to soar majestically over the landscape on its wide tail.
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police is Canada's national police force, which along with providing basic local law enforcement duties, also fulfills similar roles to all those American agencies with the letters, like the FBI, DEA and TGI Friday's.
Due to the tilt of the Earth's axis, and our northern latitude, during the winter months Canada actually travels backwards in time several days.
The Canadian accent is actually much milder than most Americans imagine, and many Canadians live and work amongst Americans undetected, constantly gathering hair samples.
Yes, hockey is still quite a big deal up here. You should really give it a chance sometime. It's fast paced and hard-hitting and oh fuck it... I can't do it any more. Hockey sucks. We admit it.
You can not catch HIV from sitting on a Canadian.
Re: hockey. I'm not kidding. This past season I watched almost no hockey, and it was great. You know what's better than watching hockey for three hours? Fucking anything.
Canada is a constitutional monarchy, which technically means we have to obey the Queen if she orders us to do something. It's mainly a symbolic thing however, as she rarely exercises the privilege - the last time being in 1978 when she ordered us to execute Gordon Lightfoot.
Measured by landmass, Canada is the second most obese country in the world, after Russia.
The name Canada is derived from the native word 'Kanata,' meaning 'village.' This name was chosen over the protests of early explorer John Shortcock, who wanting to name it after his wife, lobbied strongly for the name "Mrs. Shortcockland."
The thing is we're just no good at sports that involve balls. Football, baseball, soccer, golf, you name it, we suck at it. Anything involving something vaguely spherical in fact. Hot Air Ballooning? Don't even fucking talk to me about Hot Air Ballooning.
Canada is the home of many great inventions, like the electric light bulb, the television, the telephone, and intellectual property theft.
Canada has the world's largest coastline.
Canada has the world's highest percentage of schoolchildren who know which country has the world's largest coastline.
It's not that difficult to be better than my shithole country: Brazil.
ReplyLixo de país.
Canada is a piece of land, USA is a piece of land, Britain is a piece of land. Countries are all just pieces of land with people on them, all of them have corrupt politicians, all of them have assholes, all of them have good people, they are the same in many ways. Why do people like to compare countries and voice their opinion on which one is better? are you all 10 years old?
ReplyTo the people posting about how great Canada is, I present you with an almost universal rule: If you have to list your country's achievements...your country probably has never mattered on a global scale.
ReplyI'm gonna make the assumption you are an american.
Canadians aren't good at ball sports? What the hell do you call lacrosse?
ReplyHockey most certainly does not suck. On behalf of millions of hockey-loving Canadians, I'd like to give Mr. Bucholz the finger for saying so.
ReplyBob and Doug MacKenzie!
ReplyNo mention yet of Bob And Doug MacKenzie!
ReplyRush was left out of this article. I assume they've gone back under deep cover that they don't get tried for their war crimes in other nations. It might not be common knowledge in the rest of the world, but Rush is sort of like our Watchmen. The original Rush was commissioned by Diefenbaker(I know, sounds like a fake name for a politician) himself.
ReplyThe one beef I do have with Canada though is...two dollar coins? I came back over to the States with a pocketful of change and it ended up being like $27. I guess it was a pleasant surprise, though. Here, pocket change doesn't mean s**t.
ReplyYeah, far cry from Europe too, where the Italians get ANGRY at you if you don't give them exact change in Euro coins.
One thing that Canada does have by the boatload is beautiful women. I live in Seattle, and I can personally attest that after crossing the border all of them drop about 30lbs. Vancouver is the ONLY city in North America that I enjoy going 'clubbing' in, because even the ugly ones are more attractive and polite than the trash you'll find over here.
Replyyou're an ass.
I still can't believe Canada has a QUEEN. You never hear about that! When are they gonna have a fancy wedding?
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesThe English queen is also a Canadian queen.
we do not have a f**king queen, she has no true power over us to do anything, the queen to us holds the same power over us as the bankers do over you, why? because shes filthy f**king rich and her great great great great grandmother once colonized canada, but we have officially broken free of the monarchy in 1887, since and on that same year, probably because we were still pissed, (which is a rare thing) we went and burt down your mother f**king WHITE HOUSE!!!! thats right we were the only country in history to do so, i bet thats not something you learned in history class
Connor: -_- The queen has as much power here as she does in the UK. She has to follow a constitution, but she still rules. She just never bothers with Canada.
Also, the British burnt the White House. You want a time in history where Canada was awesome? Look around, it's everywhere. Still, the War of 1812 wasn't exactly the greatest example. I'd use Canada's Hundred Days, or Juno Beach, really. Those were examples of Canadian soldiers being amazing.
Zersk is right, it was the British not the canadians that burned down the white house.
And they'd do it again too. You know it, just look at them...
@Connor, seriously bro, how can you NOT know that you didn't burn down the white house? Really, what are they teaching you in Canada?
Connor, take a note, history is pretty important for your schooling. Not for any real career purposes, God no, but it's important in the art of conversation and not-sounding-like-an-ignorant-dick-ness.
Seriously, take a second look at that textbook, kid.
I believe it was Canadian militias, british orders, and a drunk Canadian general that burnt down the White House, was it not?
Ok. One, we are not under the Queen's rule, part of our agreement to seperate was to still recognize her as a national figure, she doesn't hold any true power. Two, Canadians did burn the white house (than, coloured pink, cute.), however at the time we were a British colony, led by british generals. So, technically the brits did it, really, Canadians did.
Canada has conqured at least the small screen. Many American TV outfits shoot at Vancouver. Also, Jack Bauer is actually Canadian.
ReplyDon't forget about RUSH... The greatest band in the history of the world.
ReplyAgreed. So much agreed.
Hell Yes. HELL. FUCKING. YES.
Ahh very informative article... Know thy northern enemy.
ReplyI don't think that assuming everybody who reads this collumn is French is a very good strategy.
ReplyCanada issues it's own currency, the US lets a private business that uses the name "federal reserve" as a fraud. Canada's republic hasn't collapsed, Canada provides free health care, in the US you have to pay so many medical bills that you don't have enough money for anything else.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesCanada FTW!
Canadas not a republic silly... its a dominion. tsk tsk silly american lol
The Bank of Canada is independent of the government. It is actually a Crown Corporation whose profits are given to the Government. It works as a corporation in all aspects and is only connected to the government via ownership and could easily be sold to be private.
Canada hasn't been a dominion since 1982.
Long Live Canada! Beavers! The Royal Mounted Police! But most of all: HOCKEY!!!!
ReplyCanada sucks! Long live America!!!!
Reply Hide All See All 14 RepliesSorry I can't hear you over my free health care plan
BURN!v
Also the clanging of our gold medals from the olympics
Sorry Canadians, we can't hear you from the moon.
I can't hear anythingOMYGOD WHATS WRONG WITH MY EARS?!
Don't worry with your ears dude, free healthcare!
Many countries in Europe also have free health care... Actually Americans are pretty backwards in that respect.
sorry i ant hear you over the sound of your white house being burnt down by Canadians in 1814, ya thats right, you tried to sack one of our cities so we said f**k you were burning down your white house, forget the fact that i was winter, forget the fact that we were outnumber 2-1 we are canadains, and as history has showed us time and time again, when canada gets angry, we f**k up anything in our path
Connor, you're retarded. It was the British, not the friggin canadians that burned down the white house. Some Canadian militia men helped the British, but so did some native Americans. And either way, the army was largely British. Saying that canadians "f**k up anything in our path" isn't really true in this example. In shorter terms, you are wrong
Connor, just stop. You're making us all look like idiots by association.
"Connor, just stop. You're making us all look like idiots by association."
Agreed.
lol the person who wrote this comment + everyone who replied is butthurt. Yes, that's it, let the butthurt flow through you.
America wouldn't let my best friend marry.
Your best friend sounds like a fag.
Canada is like the Poland of North America... United States is one Art School flunky away from running a Blitzkrieg over the whole country...
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesWe've tried that. They beat us. War of 1812 I believe
nauseom seems to be implying that america is stupid enough to be conquered by an art school flunky first.
1812? Canada didn't exist, you guys were fighting British colonials (who had received training from the British side)
What do you mean Canada didn't exist? Not as a country obviously but as an identity it did exist. The same with the American revolution. It wasn't Americans fighting the British, it was a British colony fighting the British empire. But they still had the identity of being American even without the actual country. 1812 was in fact Canadians fighting Americans, just not as an independant country yet.
it was technically british forces, but they were the brits who became the first canadians (i mean, other than the first nations, but they were kind of mad about us running in and renaming their home).
my point is, we burned down your original white house. kinda makes the 9/11 dudes look like chuckleheads.
ya nad we also burnt down our white house and planted sleeper agents all over the USA, the plan was called defence plan no. 1 heres a little cut and paste job i did from the wiki Defence Scheme No. 1 was created on April 12, 1921 and details a surprise counterattack on the northern U.S. as soon as possible after evidence was received of an American invasion of Canada.
According to the plan, Canadian troops stationed in Pacific Command in Western Canada would immediately be sent to seize Seattle, Washington; Canadian Forces stationed in Prairie Command in Western Canada would be sent to attack Great Falls, Montana and then move to Minneapolis, Minnesota; and Canadian Forces stationed in Quebec Command would be sent to seize Albany, New York in a surprise counterattack while Canadian Forces in Maritime Command[clarification needed]would counterattack into Maine.[1] Meanwhile, according to the plan, the Canadian Forces Great Lakes Command in Ontario was assumed to be fighting on the defensive against the main attack from the Armed Forces of the USA; if Canadian forces were successful in defending in the Great Lakes area, they were encouraged to launch counterattacks in the area of the Niagara River and the St. Clair River.
When resistance stiffened, the Canadians would retreat to their own borders, destroying bridges and railways to hinder American pursuit.[1] The purpose of the invasion would be to allow time for Canada to prepare its war effort and to receive aid from Britain, or to limit the American invasion before the US government opted to discontinue the incursions..... the scary thin gis that its still operational, so think twice next time you make a canada joke, the guy next to you might be a canadian agent
Actually it was Humphry Davy who laid the basis to make the first light bulb. It was Thomas Alva Edison who perfected this concept into the working lightbulb. Edison did this in 1860 meaning this happened before Canada was even founded. Wich was in 1867 (Canadian Confederation).
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesAlso the invention of the first working television belongs to either Philo Taylor Farnsworth or Vladimir Kosma Zworyki both not Canadian or of Canadian descent. (Farnworth being American and Zworyki being Russian).
Finally the telephone wich may be invented IN Canada but it was invented BY an Englishman. Who happened to live in Canada. Alexander Graham Bell, managed the telephone to work in 1876. Canada, at that time, was NOT officially an independent country, still being a part of the British Empire and only receiving full independence in 1982. (1982 lol, Canada act)
Seriously? You're fact-checking an article on a comedy site?
If he starts, I'll finish by correcting him: Alexander Graham Bell was Scottish, not English. Not that me saying that has anything to do with me being Scottish of course.
I'm not really fact-checking the whole arcticle. I'm just saying these inventions were not Canadian and I wasn't right either (thanks jmcd89).
Oh and thanks
By the way, alpha particle decay was also discovered in Canada by Ernest Rutherford, a New Zealander. That eventually led to his Nobel prize. He continued his work in Manchester and Cambridge: nuclear physics, eventually leading to splitting the atom. So Canada can be indirectly credited with the nuclear bomb, although they're far too polite to claim that.
If you are going to fact-check on Cracked, you might as well start with Cracked. They've written ridiculous amount sof articles about how Edison stole the lightbulb from Tesla. Seriously, don't even get them started on Tesla.
As I understand it, Canada was here way before 1867, but actually became its own country in that year with the confederation. There was such thing as a Canadian before 1867.
Indirectly responsible for the nuclear bomb, RottenOrange? Canada was a full and equal participant along with the US and Britain in the Manhattan project, and supplied a good proportion, if not the majority of, the fissile Uranium used. That's a direct as direct gets.
How have you missed the point that that was a joke?
"...and intellectual property theft."
Does that not give it away?