The Mighty Ducks

The Mighty Ducks is a movie about kids, hockey, and Gordon Motherfucking Bombay, the greatest Lawyer/Coach in the history of everything. He's like Jack Bauer if he coached children instead of eating them.

Just The Facts

  1. The Flying V cannot be stopped, except by Iceland, who are very strong.
  2. When in doubt, use the knucklepuck.
  3. Adam Banks is the only person who practices in the offseason. Everyone else sucks.

The Coach - Gordon Fucking Bombay

There was once a little boy who played peewee hockey in some asshole part of some country where someone tried to pull of the idea that peewee hockey is more important to a town than high school football. Everyone knows that small towns love high school football, usually because nobody in the town ever does anything successful and so you better make the best of your high school years. Talking to you Texas.

This little boy developed the greatest shot of all time, the triple deke. This shot involves moving the hockey puck from one side of your body to the other, not once, not twice, but three times. Due to the fact that most hockey goalies are limited to looking only two directions before passing out and concussing themselves on the ice, this shot always went into the net....except once.

In a championship game, the triple deke failed. It hit the post instead of the net and the coach of the boy's team hated him forever.

This boy's name was Gordon Bombay. Destroyed inside by his coach's hatred of him, he went on to become an extremely wealthy and successful lawyer rather than following his dream of skating around minor league hockey for years before realizing his failure to enter the NHL was present, his glory days were gone, and maybe it was time to work at a steel mill.

But was he too successful as a lawyer? Apparently so, after a drunk driving accident, a judge sentenced him to the normal sentence of coaching a ragtag peewee hockey team from the other side of the tracks. Standard punishment for a DUI.

The Team

Charlie Conway - He was a decent player, and was made captain because of his ass-kissery to bombay most likely. After his years of peewee hockey he moved on to grifting, reconnected with his insane scientist father, and was recruited by the government to investigate stuff like aliens and ooze that really should have required the expertise of Mulder and Scully. Also, he becomes close to Bombay because Charlie made his own father run off, no matter what his mom says, and Bombay starts to fall for his mom. And bangs her (source needed).

Averman - Typical goofy bastard. Wears glasses always makes bad jokes that people listen to and then groan his name "Aaaaavermannnnn." You know, like oh there goes that wacky Averman again, always making his jokes again, having goofy hair, wearing glasses and once again putting off the day he touches a boob by another year or so.

Tammy Duncan - A girl on the original team. She's a figure skater, but plays hockey for a reason that wasn't really fleshed out well. Everyone probably wants to bang her after spending time around so many dudes.

Connie - Another girl on the team. She's banging one of the lesser characters who won't be mentioned here due to...statutory....issues.

Goldberg - ....THE GOALIE! At least that's how he announces himself whenever his farts propel him onto the ice. He's a very fat kid from Philadelphia, as he'll mention whenever you ask him, and he always wears a Flyers shirt to make sure you don't fuggedit. He's not a very good goalie (most likely the fatness) but noone else wants to play for the shitty ducks...at least at first.

Fulton Reed - A local delinquent who (conveniently) smashes out Bombay's limo windshield with a hockey puck. He is the Happy Gilmore of kid hockey. He's violent, he's huge, and his slapshots destroy everything in their path, including the tendons of the hands of kid goalies who try to save gloveside.

Dean Portman - Joined the team when they played in the Junior Goodwill Games, a fake cold-war era Olympic type thing that noone cared about. He was a big bastard who joined Fulton in roughing up kids and racking up penalty minutes.