Seanbaby
Beating a man is the universal way to express your disapproval. A vicious attack clears up any confusion, and it's still the only way to tell an inflatable doll that you've broken up with it. But sometimes violence isn't enough -- sometimes you need to add some mockery, trash talk or taunting pantomime to really tell a person how you feel. Whether they were used tactically or only to add insult to injury, here are the most outstanding taunts in MMA history:
At UFC 125, Brandon Vera was coming off two straight losses. One to Randy Couture and another to supernatural 
Thiago moved on to throwing volleyball spikes to the side of Brandon Vera's head, now the location of many head parts that were supposed to be on the front. To Brandon Vera's credit, he still wasn't dead.
Thiago eventually ran out of legal places to hit, so settled back and started rhythmically slapping Vera's back. For a second Brandon probably felt this tender pawing and thought he'd crossed over to a place beyond pain. But, oh man, was he unhappy about it when he realized it was actually some asshole playing him like bongo drums.
Did it work?
There is a science behind taunting. For example, getting kicked in the balls hurts so many more ways if it happens right after you've heard how tiny they are. However, this was a case of a taunt being nothing more than a dick move. And it worked. Thiago Silva looked like a dick. Which was only logical, since the urinalysis showed that at the time his blood was 70% bull penis. Vera survived to the final bell, but after emerging from a humiliating beating with most of his nose missing, it was an easy decision for the judges. Vera lost his third straight, and as is UFC tradition, his job.
Vera's story has a happy ending, though. After Thiago tested positive for steroids, the loss was changed to a no-contest and he was rehired by the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Unfortunately, the doctors who handled Silva's pee had to be shot when they broke free from their restraints.
Six months before this fight, Kazushi Sakuraba almost snapped the arm off Royce's brother Royler (see right). Royler never submitted, but the referee stopped the fight before he was yanked into two parts. This pissed the Gracies off-- they see limb removal as elective surgery. If you want to let someone disassemble you, who are these referees to get in your way? That's why Royce demanded a revenge fight against Sakuraba with fewer of these bullshit "regulations."
On the night of the fight, it was clear neither of them was going to finish things any time soon. Royce kept pushing Sakuraba against the ropes and nudging him in the leg with knees. Sakuraba defended this by making faces at the camera and trying to pull Royce's pants down. There was a little bit of confusion about the new rules, and while the strange embrace went on, the Japanese referee tried to separate them for inactivity. Royce explained to the ref in two languages that were not Japanese, that the fight was a special occasion and he could hug all he wanted. So now we have three people huddled together: an angry one trying to fight, a confused one trying to break it up, and a third one trying to tear off the angry one's pajamas. In Texas, they call this a "wedding."
Kind of. Sakuraba wasn't disrespectful so much as he was just trying to entertain himself. He looked like a five-year-old forced to go to the laundromat with his parents. And like that poor bored child's day, this fight went on for fucking ever. For six 15-minute rounds, Sakuraba put on a violent improvisational comedy show with only one prop. And finally, after 90 minutes of leg kicks and decortication, the legend Royce Gracie could no longer stand. His corner threw in the towel. He lost what was and will always be the longest MMA fight ever, but Royce made his point: if a man is going to lose a fight it should be from defeat, not from some asshole judge or referee's decision.
Gary Goodridge was first seen in blurry video footage recovered from a massacred Tobagonian research team whose final words were, "It took all their sorcerers to entrap him! What hubris it was to unseal the casket!" Coming into this fight, he punched so hard that bomb squads had to use a special robot to wrap his hands. Amir Rahnavardi, on the other hand, was forty pounds lighter, coming in with a professional record of 0-0, and took the fight on one day's notice. Sorry if that spoiled the ending for you.
Stephen Quadros: "Amir, when I was working for editor of Kickboxing Ring Report, used to, was calling me from Japan, telling me, 'Hey. I took a fight with Gary Goodridge.' I said, 'Oh my god. tt! Okay.' OH, LOOK AT THAT RIGHT HAND!"
Only as a portend of the obvious. Gary Goodridge wasn't letting out little "WOO"s like Ric Flair; he was belting them out. When you hit a man as hard as you can ten times and it only makes him sing like Little Richard, there aren't a whole lot of Plan B's. At that point, all you can do is hope that your mortuary makeup artist has a good Before picture and a lot of spackle in your color.
Shad Smith claims to have been in over 1000 street fights. Normally when someone makes a claim like this it turns out they're exaggerating from the number zero. With Shad Smith, though, I believe him. He's the only openly gay mixed martial artist, and that takes an insane amount of courage. Not because of homophobia, but because out of every activity, being a gay mixed martial artist has got to have the highest risk of boner-in-front-of-everyone possible.
Shad Smith is not something a doctor would call "not a zombie," so Duane had only one move left to try against his unkillable opponent: the Crane Kick.
There's an abstract concept in the UFC called "Octagon Control." It's the idea that all things being equal, the fighter who dictates the pace of the fight wins. By that standard, Kalib Starnes is the greatest Octagon controller of all time. His incredible strategy of doing nothing and running made Nate Quarry's attack plans almost impossible. Kalib Starnes must have studied under Vin Diesel before the fight because 50% of his performance was crankiness and the rest was chase scene.
As any scholar will you tell you, you only do the running man when you're telling someone that their crew is through and you're two legit to quit. Nate showed that it can also be used in the UFC to tell the ringside judges that your opponent is a giant pussy. It got the message across. Despite delivering an arguably average ass-kicking, Nate Quarry won the decision by the second widest margin in UFC history. One judge had Nate ahead 30-24. To translate that into a different sport, say basketball, it would be like scoring 100 points while your opponent cried into a bowl of ice cream and left his ex-girlfriend a voicemail.
Bas "El Guapo" Rutten loves to fight, almost too much. He's so excitable that he actually draws "R"s on the back of his hands to remind himself to "relax" during a fight. You can trick Bas Rutten into knocking a tree stump out of your yard by standing in front of it and asking him if he polishes his head or if his scalp naturally secretes turtle wax. Of course, this will kill you.
Seanbaby has a round kick that bends parking meters and a 
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