The Funniest Jokes, Burns and One-Liners from the ‘Family Guy’ Season 22 Premiere

Lindsey Graham, Papa John’s and the guy from Counting Crows were all burnt to a crisp last night
The Funniest Jokes, Burns and One-Liners from the ‘Family Guy’ Season 22 Premiere

The last time we saw the Griffins, Meg had weaseled her way out of a green-card marriage while abroad in Russia. But now, after a summer hiatus, Family Guy’s 22nd season premiere, “Fertilized Megg,” finds Meg experiencing another milestone: pregnancy.

As Meg and Bruce clean the aftermath of a messy bowling alley birthday party for Stewie’s school friend Gurt (which is short for Yogurt for some reason), they find themselves discussing whether or not children fit into their respective futures. Where Bruce yearns for a child to call his own, Meg has a rare moment of self-awareness and acknowledges that there probably aren’t any suitors itching to lay with her in the biblical sense. These realizations converge on the only logical solution: Meg acting as a surrogate to Bruce and his partner Jeffrey.

But through this process, Meg learns about the unshakable genetic bond between a child and their biological mother, growing attached to her surrogate daughter, Liza Judy Barbra. Meanwhile, Peter decides to pass the time with a crippling meth habit, and Lois embraces her newfound GILF status. By the episode’s end, though, Meg comes to the realization that she’s not ready to be a mother, and a child named after three gay icons most definitely belongs in a home with two gay dads.

The premiere is a return to form for the show — if that form is button-pushing abortion jokes and gay gags at the expense of sitting U.S. senators. With a new year of Seth MacFarlane’s crown jewel underway, here are some of the best jokesburns and one-liners from the Season 22 premiere...

William the New Kid: Call me Norma Rae because you’re about to see a strike… I watch a lot of movies at my grandma’s house.”

Bruce: I don’t know if you know this, but it’s anatomically impossible for a man to get pregnant.
Meg: Even Lindsey Graham?
Bruce: Well, he’s certainly giving it the old college try!

Announcer: Top of the Stairs: It’s not an abortion, it’s an oopsie.

Lois: Pregnancy is not something you do for money or to keep a certain professional athlete interested after he blocks your number.

Peter: Papa John. I’m sorry to bother you, but my pregnant daughter asked that I bring her the worst pizza ever, and yours is that… Look, my friend, my friend, my friend, it’s late. We’ve done our research. The sauce, the bread, the toppings, the way it’s cooked, the people cooking it, the way it tastes like the box it comes in. It’s really, really the worst. I mean, you even make buttered dipping sauce terrible.

Doctor Hartman: Meg, I’m just going to check the contractions — should’ve, would’ve, hadn’t, ma’am, ‘twas. They’re getting closer together!

Stewie: The hottest grandma should be Jennifer Aniston, but the Counting Crows guy wasn’t ready to commit. Poor bastard thought it was going to be an endless run.

Lois: Meg, I’m so impressed. I had no idea you could be so maternal. I always saw you as a drive-into-the-lake mom.

Bruce: What businesses do we have raising a child? And how are we supposed to pay for her school? With our Tesla and cashmere money? I don’t think so. 
Jeffrey: We could dip into our boozy brunch fund.

Liza Judy Barbra: Gaga
Jeffrey: Gaga? Bruce, did you hear that? She said her first gay icon.
Lisa Judy Barbra: Jeanne Tripplehorn. 
Jeffrey: Oh my God! A second lesser-known gay icon!

Jeffrey: Yeah, you’ll always be that slightly creepy teen who birthed our daughter and then we gradually lost touch with.

Homeless Man #1: You know what GILF means, right?
Homeless Man #2: Yeah. God, I love fentanyl.
Peter: You said it, pal.

Lois: Well, Bruce and Jeffrey, I gotta say, you two have really stepped up to become a couple of great dads.
Bruce: Thank you, Lois. You sound a bit surprised, which seems right for a woman with that haircut. But you’re sweet to say so.

Scroll down for the next article
Forgot Password?