18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 27, 2023
Ever wonder how cooking happened? Did we eat everything raw until a bolt of lightning hit a boar carcass, or Thragg accidentally dropped a dead bird into the campfire, and it smelled good? Makes you think, doesn’t it? Well, so do some of these jokes. Maybe. If not, they’re at least funny enough to make you not think about being hungry while waiting for your food delivery...
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Don Rickles on Frank Sinatra
“When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don’t mind, but he has it in his back pocket.”
Jimmy Carr on Spam Emails
“I hate those emails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got 10 just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.”
Emo Philips on Bars
“I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.”
Chelsea Handler on Drinks with Dates
“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, ‘I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.’”
John Mulaney on Old Timey Murder
“It was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA. What was a murder investigation like in 1935? One cop would just walk in and be like, ‘Detective, we found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway.’ And he would just be like, ‘Gross.’”
Margaret Cho on Sex
“I have not had sex in almost two years. And I think once you hit two years, you get your virginity back. I’m going to just have to trick somebody into doing it. I’m going to have to cover myself with leaves and hope somebody falls in.”
Patton Oswalt on Babies
“People think it’s okay to walk up to me holding a baby. Like that’s cool… A baby, if you really break it down logically, it is a tiny human being, and it’s shirtless, which is really creepy. It’s a shirtless, bald human being with a bag of its own crap around its waist. How horrifying is that?”
Ardal O’Hanlon on Ambulances
“The thing I dislike most about the ambulance is the way they have the word ‘AMBULANCE’ spelled backward, emblazoned across the front of the vehicle. The thinking being you’re driving along in traffic, and you look in your rearview mirror, and you say, ‘Oh, there’s an ambulance behind me, so I better pull over.’ That’s assuming that you haven’t heard the incredibly loud siren in the first place. They think we’re idiots, don’t they? So whenever I see an ambulance coming toward me, down the wrong side of the street as they often do, I think to myself, ‘Hmm, well, I hear the siren alright, but how can I be sure?’”
Eugene Mirman on Retail
“I saw that Linens’ n Things was going out of business. I know. I was like, ‘Should have been more specific.’”
George Wallace on The Clapper
“What lazy SOB invented the Clapper? What do I have to invent so I don’t have to get off my lazy butt and go over and flip that light switch. My father had a Clapper 30 years ago — me.”
Rodney Dangerfield on Cooking Fish
“People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils — Texaco, Mobil, Exxon…”
Ray Romano on Las Vegas
“Las Vegas is the only place where I’ve actually had to cancel my wake-up call because I hadn’t gone to bed yet. You will pass your call: ‘Oh shit, the phone’s gonna ring. Oh, no… I’m up!’
“You don’t need a wake-up call in this town. What they should have is a go-to-bed call. When you check-in, you just tell the lady, ‘Listen, at 7 a.m., just someone pull up my pants and take me in. If my pants are down when the sun’s up, it’s not good.’”
Demetri Martin on Dog Moms
“I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars. Like I was in the park, and I met this girl; she was cute, and she had a dog. I went up to her, and we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’
“She said, ‘No.’
“And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? Liar.’”
Peter Sellers on His Physique
“I have the body of an 18-year-old. I keep it in the fridge.”
Bill Hicks on Evolution
“You ever notice how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. ‘I believe God created me in one day.’ Yeah, looks like He rushed it.”
Sarah Silverman on Sex
“I like having sex. I think it’s really good. It gives you that feeling that you’re working together to achieve a common goal: his orgasm.”
Joan Rivers on Parenting
“Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth, or they won’t respect you. For years, I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’”
Richard Lewis on Love
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
