13 of the Funniest Jokes About Babies

13 of the Funniest Jokes About Babies

Babies are cute and gross in equal measure, as well as master manipulators who are dependent on others for, well, pretty much everything. Thankfully, these dichotomies mean there’s plenty of funny material about them to mine from.

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And so, here are some of the funniest jokes comedic minds have told about babies’ underdeveloped ones...

Katrina Davis on Her Friend’s Facebook

“I had a friend post a picture of her new baby on Facebook, and my first thought was, ‘Oh my gosh, if I had a baby at the same time, our babies could be friends and play together.’ And the second thought I had after that was, ‘No way, my kid would bully the shit out of that kid.’”

Aziz Ansari Is So Sorry You Had a Baby

‘Robot Chicken’s Baby Terminator

The writers at Robot Chicken thought, “What if we gave Terminator the Muppet Babies treatment? Would that be funny?” And they were right.

Natasha Leggero on How Babies Ruin Your Social Life

“I can see getting pregnant, but following through with it? My friends who have babies can’t do anything. You can’t go out at night. Having a baby is like getting a DUI from the universe.”

Lil’ Rel Howrey on How Some Folks Shouldn’t Have Kids

Howrey goes into how some toddlers in his neighborhood have to grow up too fast due to having neglectful or busy parents, including how many of them have to carry their own car seats.

Kids in the Hall Don’t Want to be Godparents

Look, it’s such an honor, but they just can’t. They just aren’t good with babies. It’s not just knowing that it’s a big responsibility. I mean, she makes IUDs, for crying out loud!

When Patton Oswalt’s Baby Was Racist

On Conan, Oswalt shared that his daughter thought a person at a Starbucks looked like a Lion King character and accidentally did a racism.

Baby Spanx

Saturday Night Live has found the solution to your chubby baby problem. And believe me, it’s a problem!

Jim Gaffigan’s Infant’s Sleep Schedule

“We have a one-year-old at home who, for the first year of his life, has slept a total of one minute. But it’s worth it, their screamings, their smells, you don’t sleep. I was out of town and drove by a skunk and was like, ‘I miss my baby.’”

Key and Peele’s Baby Forest

Babysitting isn’t easy, especially if you’re babysitting a tiny terrifying Forest Whitaker.

Chelsea Handler on How Long You Have to Care for a Child

“Having a baby is a huge responsibility. It’s like a five-year commitment, and you have to be ready for it.”

Anthony Jeselnik Will Drop Your Baby

Jeselnik believes that there are more important things and bigger issues in the world than him dropping a baby. He hasn’t even held a baby “to completion.” He’s just speaking truth to power.

Baby of the Year

I Think You Should Leave showcases some of the best babies ever. Many chodes. All of them are worthy, except for THAT GODDAMN HARLEY JARVIS!

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