Here's how hair growth normally works: individual hairs grow about half an inch a month for a few years, then they stop growing for a few months like they're in some kind of sleep chamber, then they fall out. Then, if you're lucky, the cycle starts over. So, for most of a lady's life, her hair is 90 percent growing and 10 percent resting.
Um ... sure, that hair will work for our purposes.
Until she gets pregnant. The same hormones that are torturing the rest of her body parts do an insane number on mama's hair growth. Specifically, that little resting phase that hair goes through before falling out is obliterated. There is no resting period during pregnancy -- the hair just keeps growing. And that's why, alongside the obvious knocker-related advantages of pregnancy, thick, luxurious hair is the one thing the ladies have to look forward to. That's the good news. We wish we could just stop there, we really, really do. But if you made it this far, you might as well know the truth: In addition to getting a head full of sexy tresses, pregnant women also find individual hairs in places they don't belong. Like the upper lip, chin, back, belly and, you guessed it, nipples.
Typical pregnancy photo.
And other than the usual hair removal remedies that ladies have been employing since the dawn of time, there is nothing you can do about it. BUT! The bad news doesn't end there! Like every other condition on this list, things are (hopefully) going to return back to normal once the baby is born. Except the hair-growth thing. And not in the way you'd expect. At some point in the weeks and months following the baby's birth, all that that hair was that was growing like a pesticide-resistant weed is going to fall out. In clumps. Maybe not clumps clumps, but definitely enough to clog the shower drain and freak an already hormonal woman the fuck out.
Ew. Just ... ew.
It's at this point that we should give full disclosure: This entire article was Cracked's attempt at helping to solve the overpopulation crisis. You're welcome.
For the opposite side of the cause and effect equation, check out 5 Mental Disorders That Can Totally Get You Laid or learn about people who made you terrified of sex a long time before this article did in 5 Sex Experts Who Made the World a Worse Place (To Do It).
And stop by LinkSTORM (updated today!) to make yourself feel better.
And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infograpic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!