18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, August 31, 2023

18 Christopher Titus on Sobriety

“I finally stopped drinking when I hit 17 years old. Yes, imagine the fuck-up I must have been. Stopped drinking because it isn’t really good for your health — and I fell into a bonfire! Yeah, you’re done drinking then. You don’t need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one-step program.”

17 Mitch Hedberg on Candle Holders

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.”

16 Tig Notaro on Smoking and Drinking

“I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then, as soon as I was born, I was like, ‘Do not go in there.’”

15 Sarah Silverman on Dating

“When I was in high school, I went out with my father’s best friend. And that’s embarrassing. My father having a 14-year-old best friend. What a loser.”

14 Laurie Kilmartin on Porn

“I decided that if I ever catch my son watching porn, how I will handle it is I will sit down and watch it with him. Because what better way to deter him from watching more porn than the memory of his mother commenting on it. I will ruin it for him! I’ll be like, ‘Honey, ah, note, women don’t make that noise. If a woman ever makes that noise, it’s because she’s really behind on her rent.’”

13 George Wallace on His Music Options

“We grew up so poor we could only listen to R or B.”

12 Emo Phillips on Watching Children Play

“I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.”

11 Steven Wright on Tattoos

“I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller.”

10 Demetri Martin on Graffiti

“I don’t like graffiti — unless it teaches me something. Like, ‘Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known that.’ Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is. It’s always like, ‘U2 Rocks!’ Or: ‘Bush sucks!’ I want to make indifferent graffiti: ‘Toy Story 2 was okay!’ Or: ‘This is a bridge!’”

9 Taylor Tomlinson on Her Upbringing

“Have you guys realized that your parents messed you up yet? You find a stray dent in your head, and you’re like, ‘What happened there?’ And they’re like, ‘We did our best; that’s what happened there. You were slippery.’” 

8 Robin Williams on Fatherhood

“And now that you have a child, you have to clean up your act. ’Cause you can’t drink anymore. You can’t come home drunk and go, ‘Hey, here’s a little switch: Daddy’s gonna throw up on you!’”

7 Wanda Sykes on Sex

“For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant. No matter what they order off that menu, they walk out saying, ‘Damn! That was good!’ 

“For women, it don’t work like that. We go to the restaurant; sometimes it’s good, sometimes you gotta send it back. Or you might go, ‘I think I’m going to cook for myself today.’”

6 Tracy Morgan on His ‘Number One Dad’ Medal

“It says ‘Number One Dad.’ My kids bought it for me, and they used my money. They said it was the thought that counts, so I said, ‘You should’ve thought about buying something cheaper.” 

5 Richard Lewis on Judaism in the South

“Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.”

4 Janelle James on Assimilation

“I lived in the Midwest; those are cornfield whites. Trying to assimilate there, rode on a pickup truck. I ate casseroles with Triscuits on it. Shit like that, that’s how I reach out a hand. Went to a bonfire. Did you know that shit’s just a fire?”

3 Dana Gould on His Divorce

“They say when you get married ‘til death do you part.’ So I don’t so much think of it as getting divorced as that I’ve somehow cheated death.”

2 Eugene Mirman on Retail

“I saw that Linens’ n Things was going out of business. I know. I was like, ‘Should have been more specific.’”

1 Anthony Jeselnik on Finding Good Help

“I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… But no one will do it.”