To execute that spot, young Borat would have had to scale an exposed water pipe that runs along the side of the neighboring building, then grab ahold of the very narrow and very shaky bottom rung of the billboard's ladder before he could climb up onto the catwalk, just for the privilege of doing some hasty art. That takes balls. But you know what takes even more balls? Spray-painting an elephant. Let me tell you a story.
The year was 1971, and a Philly graffiti legend, "Cornbread," was mistakenly reported as dead by newspapers. He figured that he'd better do something big and flashy to announce his non-deceased status, so one day he jumped the fence of the Philadelphia Zoo and spray-painted his name on both sides of an honest-to-God elephant.
Mark Kolbe/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"This will prove those newspapers either wrong or retroactively right!"
Let's be clear: I personally think that writing on an animal is fucked up and deserves an aggressive ass-kicking, but I'm not exactly in a position to get on any kind of high horse and spray-paint my initials onto it. I'm just saying: The guy had to slowly approach a several-ton beast and keep it calm as he marked it like a bagged lunch in the office fridge. It was a risky move, considering how huge and unpredictable elephants are ... although not as huge and unpredictable as a drawbridge. Let me tell you another story. Don't worry. You'll like it: It features a giant penis.
"Go on ..."
One night in 2010, about 40 or so members of the infamous Russian art group Voina painted a 224-foot-long dick on a major Saint Petersburg drawbridge. It's one of my all-time favorite acts of vandalism ever, simply because of how beautifully coordinated it all was. Voina members stated that they "practiced drawing the penis as fast as possible" before bombing the site. They probably had to bum-rush the bridge with plastic containers full of paint and pour it onto the asphalt in a perfectly coordinated pattern, all while trying to avoid being tackled by angry security officers. The whole thing reportedly went down in 23 seconds flat. I wasn't there, but I can see it all with my graffiti vision whenever I look at photos of the Cockzilla bridge. Truly, it is the most beautiful dick in the world.
You can stay connected with Smear via his Instagram @smearski, or check out his new website: www.smearski.com. Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist and editor. Contact him at email@example.com
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