15 Great Jokes from Jim Gaffigan

Gaffigan is America’s not-embarrassing, quirky uncle
15 Great Jokes from Jim Gaffigan

In the family that is Americana, Jim Gaffigan is the sleepy uncle on the couch at Thanksgiving. He’s hilarious, a good dude, and while he is quirky like other uncles, he’s not the off-putting one leaving you scrambling and saying, “He not usually like this...” As a veteran stand-up for over 40 years, Gaffigan is the comedian who brings families of all ages together (provided that they all eat fast food).

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Here are some of the funniest jokes that Gaffigan has told over the years...

Cake vs. Pie

“Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake; it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.”

On Being a Dad

“I have five kids. I used to have more, but I ate them.”

On Dreams

“It’s strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream, you’re just like, ‘WHATEVER! Why don’t you send me an email so I can delete it?’”

On Going Out Without a Mask Post-COVID

On Literacy

“You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.”

As Henry on ‘Bob’s Burgers’

On Bob’s Burgers, Gaffigan lends his vocal talents as school know-it-all and worrywart Henry, a student in Tina’s grade at Wagstaff. Henry is so much of a dork that it’s an ongoing debate whether he’s an even bigger dork than Tina in terms of schoolyard cred.

On Gym Teachers

“You think when gym teachers were younger, they’re thinking, ‘You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?’”

‘The Jim Gaffigan Show’

Produced by Gaffigan and his wife, Jeannie, The Jim Gaffigan Show presented a funny, fictionalized version of his life as a stand-up (like Seinfeld) and a father (unlike Seinfeld). One scene in the show explores the generational trauma of Gaffigan fathers throughout human existence.

On Postcards

“You could be a genius — you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It’s always like, ‘This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.’”

Teaming with Conan O’Brien as Pale Force

On Late Night with Conan O’Brien, Gaffigan debuted a new superhero animated series featuring him with Conan as his sidekick, fighting against crime using their pale skin and laser-shooting nipples.

On Bacon Love

“Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.”

The Cat Game

In the cult comedy Super Troopers, Gaffigan plays the straight man in a low-stakes prank by two state troopers. Even 20 years later, it’s still pretty damn funny right meow.

On His Fitness/Food Struggle

On Bottled Water

“I was looking at a bottle of water. They have nutritional facts printed on the side. I’m no chemist, but I have a rough idea of what’s in water. I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe: ‘Oh, that’s how you make ice cubes. Huh.’”

On the Invention of the Hot Pocket

“What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, ‘Hey, I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.’”

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