We've all gotten glorious Technicolor postcards from our richer friends who always seem to be running off to the next exotic location, those assholes. Unfortunately, most of us have never had the privilege of visiting the utopias that the postcards depict. But that might be because they don't actually exist -- at least not the version you see on the card.

It's easy to understand why places wouldn't want to draw attention to any of their less redeeming qualities that put them on the map, so to speak, but it'd be pretty amusing if they did. Here are 13 brutally honest postcards that you will not find in the welcome center.

Tampa Bay

sunny TAMPA BAY Turns out bums also enjoy 85 degree temperatures in October.
Jake Burg

With an average high of 84 degrees in October, the Tampa Bay area has become a top destination for Canadian "snowbirds" who look to escape the cold winters up north. This climate is also VERY comfortable for those without homes. There are currently around 2000 homeless people in Tampa Bay (though if you think that's bad, you should know it doesn't even make the top 10 cities with the largest homeless populations). If you're going to be homeless, Tampa Bay is a good place to do that.

Denver

The new home of every 24 year old, unemployed stoner in the United States. denver The Mile Higm ity
Jake Burg

Denver, CO was the first U.S. city to legalize the recreational use of marijuana and college kids took notice. The state currently has the second highest pot usage percentage among college students. Between that and the lack of oxygen so high up, we're sure their brains are retaining a lot of that expensive education.

Detroit

Only In... IDETROIT ghill Experience 3rd World Country Charm While still using American Currency!!!
Jake Burg

It's easy to forget that Detroit was at one time more than a place Eminem was lucky to escape. The once proud home of the "Big Three" and birthplace of Motown music has taken a beating. Detroit has the highest poverty rate of any major city in the U.S., with nearly 48 percent of the population below the line. And this ain't no movie, there's no Mekhi Phifer.

Cleveland

Cleveland What the fuck am I doing in Cleveland?
Jake Burg

At one time, Cleveland was one of the largest cities in the country, with population peaking in the 1950s. As the industrial jobs disappeared, so did the people, leaving those left wondering what the nightlife is like in Dayton.

New Orleans

During visit hope have your we you New Orleans of the c chance to sites see as many that have helped to shape a legacy almost historic ilself. as aS o
Jake Burg

The driving force of New Orleans' economy is tourism. Around 10 million visitors come every year, many of them during Mardi Gras, hoping to swap plastic beads for a quick peek at something they could see for free online ... like even if they don't want to see them, they're going to see them. It is unavoidable.

Oklahoma

Visit Oklahoma and meet Country Superstar, TOBY KEITH (guaranteed) WARNING: If you are a woman Toby WILL try to fuck you. If you are man. Toby WILL tr
Jake Burg

With only 3.5 percent of Oklahoma City's population being gay, it's one of the least "gay" cities in the country. Things don't get any more diverse as you move outside of the urban areas. But hey, at least you get to meet Toby Keith!

Philadelphia

Philadelphia City Of SELF. Love (So go fuck yourself)
Jake Burg

Philadelphia -- "The Cradle of American Democracy" and the hometown of the American asshole. A recent poll of American travelers voted Philadelphia as the "Fifth Rudest City In The U.S." So much for "Brotherly Love."

Montana

Experience METH IN MONTANA Because there's nothing else to do.
Jake Burg

Let's face it ... climbing very tall mountains takes a lot of energy. Maybe that's why so many of the locals reach for Montana's drug of choice -- crystal meth. Montanans have spoken and meth has won in a landslide (Ha! Kind of proud of myself for that one). Over 90 percent of drug offenses in Montana are meth related.

Georgia

GEORGIA Where College Football is KING and College is OPTIONAL
Jake Burg

Saturdays during the fall, campuses across the state of Georgia are filled to capacity as fans take part in the South's real religion -- college football. Unfortunately, those are the only days of the year that many Georgia natives plan on spending at a university. Only 79.2 percent of its high school seniors managed to graduate in 2016, which was a major improvement from 67.4 percent in 2011, but still well below the national average.

Indiana

Black Lives DON'T Matter in Indiana (except for Reggie Miller... he's okay)
Jake Burg

In 2015, Indianapolis had the fourth highest rate of police killings among major U.S. cities. Between 2013 and 2015, in the whole of Indiana, there were 57 fatalities caused by police. Of those 57 casualties, 20 were black (35 percent). The population is just 9.6 percent black. Reggie Miller is reported to have immunity throughout the state.

Miami

MIAM COMats breke peeple pretend to be rich
Jake Burg

Miami is widely regarded as one of the country's most affluent cities. In reality, it's not all professional athletes and movie stars cruising in Bentleys around South Beach. The median household income for Miami is actually only 60 percent of the national average. Combine that with the relatively high property costs and you end up with a lot of tan, broke people in fancy white satin pants.

St. Louis

FREEZE Mother Fucker! STL
Jake Burg

St. Louis, Missouri -- A great place to enjoy a baseball game, visit the Gateway Arch, and try your best not to get shot. In 2015, St. Louis had 1,817 violent crimes per 100,000 citizens. Which just goes to show that Cardinals' fans might legitimately be the world's best baseball fans. I mean, it does take some balls to travel through that horseshit, just to live-chant "Yadi! Yadi! Yadi!"

Jake lives in Georgia with his wife and three children (Jacob, Kaitlyn, and Lily). Jake enjoys spending time with his family, watching the Atlanta Falcons, and writing ridiculous and inappropriate songs that no one will ever hear. You can see more of Jake's ideas here.

Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex.

On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think.

Get your tickets here:

THE CRACKED PODCAST Live! with host JACK O'BRIEN Love and Relat ionships AF the ncpo Thenter Saturday, February 11th at 7pM 5419 Sunset Blvd. Los Ange

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