Ah yes, Thanksgiving: The annual American tradition of everyone doing their best to play nice with family members they’ve been dodging the other 364 days of the year. And if we manage to go all day without unloading decades of generational trauma or burning down the house trying to deep-fry a turkey, we will be rewarded with a magnificent feast that will leave us catatonic during the second half of a football game. 

In fairness, though, if it weren’t for that overload of calories, we wouldn’t have the strength to participate in 4 a.m. Black Friday sales and get in fistfights with total strangers over a discounted PS5 — you know, for the kids.

To keep you laughing as you fight off your fellow shoppers, your family and your trytophan-induced stupor, here are some of the best quotes (and eye-rolling dad jokes) we could find to sum up the Thanksgiving experience…

George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that you never get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.” 

Jim Gaffigan

“Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that everyday!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’”

Lewis Black

“Why do we eat so much? We’re home with our family. We’re tense, we’re edgy, neurotic, psychotic. So instead of eating each other, we eat the weight of our family in food.” 

Jack Handey

“If you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it. But instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, ‘Boy, these are good cigars!’”

Rita Rudner

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”

Kenny Rogerson

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket was just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”

Erma Bombeck

“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.”

Jon Stewart

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast and then I killed them and took their land.” 

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