13 Nick Swardson Jokes and Moments for the Hall of Fame

On stage or screen, Swardson can make even the most serious adult giggle like a teen
13 Nick Swardson Jokes and Moments for the Hall of Fame

Nick Swardson has been your annoying yet hilarious college roommate since 1995. While some say that comedy should have some philosophy or a message of some kind, Swardson never forgot that the overall point is to make others laugh. And sometimes, just being goofy as hell is enough. Swardson’s precise tightrope walk of the dumb/genius line in stand-up has also allowed him to spread his wings in movies and television, stealing several scenes along the way.

Click right here to get the best of Cracked sent to your inbox.

To celebrate the comic able to tickle the most childish part of our adult brains, we collected some of Swardson’s top jokes and moments to add to our Comedy Hall of Fame...

On Simple Life Goals

“I don’t really want a lot out of life. I really just want to get through life without getting stabbed. I don’t care if I don’t save a million people or cure anything; just please don’t stab. If I’m in heaven and I didn’t get stabbed, I win.”

On Cats

Swardson went into how cats aren’t his favorite animal after one attacked (not scratched, attacked!) him.


“That’s (fighters’) job! It always blows my mind. You just have to fight somebody at work. Nobody really wants to fight, but that’s your job. Be like, ‘Yeah, I’m going to work,’ ‘How’s that going to be?’ ‘A nightmare! Someone’s going to attack me, and they’re very strong!’”

On Poop

Once on Conan, Swardson shared a story from his days as a schoolboy that truly cemented his style of humor.

Meeting the Parents on ‘Pretend Time’

In this sketch from his Comedy Central show, Swardson tries to measure up to the standards of his girlfriend’s parents. Yes, it’s about penises.

Reading Jokes with Norm Macdonald

Swardson went on his buddy Macdonald’s podcast to read some jokes in typical Nick and Norm fashion.

A Terrible Time Capsule

On Pretend Time, Swardson starred in a sketch involving a city unearthing a time capsule that probably should’ve stayed buried.

The First Ever Brain Freeze

‘Rip His Head Off!’

On Pretend Time, Swardson also explored what happens if your cheers and jeers during a football game are taken literally.

As Terry on ‘Reno 911’

Arguably his best-known role, Swardson steals the show whenever he appears as Terry on Reno 911. The very flamboyant sex worker has a kind heart and a drug problem but is barely seen without his trademark roller skates.

On a Night Out in Vegas

Learn from Swardson. If you’re invited to an exclusive event in Vegas, be incredibly selective of who you take with you as your plus one.

On Geriatric Life

Swardson loved his grandmother and pointed out the positives of their connection. Some of which include how to appreciate the bad days when you’re young and how he can’t wait to do crimes when he’s of retirement age.

Scroll down for the next article
Forgot Password?