Adam Sandler Dressed as the Cookie Monster Is Terrorizing Santa Cruz

The Santa Cruz Police Department has officially warned parents to keep their kids away from a creep wandering around in a filthy Cookie Monster costume, because he just might be Adam Sandler.

Fans of the Saturday Night Live and Uncut Gems star, take a breath — it’s not that Adam Sandler. Though the police department for the major California city is sounding the alarm over Sandler’s “history of unpredictable comments and troublesome behavior,” they are not, in fact, referring to The Sandman’s sophomoric Donkey Kong jokes in Pixels or his decision to dress up in drag and make fart noises in Jack and Jill. 

An unhinged man named Adam Sandler who has no relation to the Hustle star and Gotham Award-winner, has apparently been antagonizing families across the country while wearing a dirty, disturbingly off-brand Cookie Monster costume. Happy Madison just scrapped its latest screenplay.

Though C-is-for-Crazy Adam Sandler has not yet committed a crime in Santa Cruz, the city’s police department has strongly advised parents not to allow their children near the costumed creep “based on Adam Sandler’s history across the country.”

This warning raises innumerable questions: First, how did the Santa Cruz Police Department possibly identify not-Billy-Madison Adam Sandler if he’s only been seen wearing his Cookie Monster costume? Also, how could they have known that the man who definitely did not spend five seasons on SNL has a “history across the country” of similar suspicious behavior? If Cookie Boucher crossed state lines during his supposed spree, does that mean this is a federal law enforcement issue? Does the FBI have a file on Hungry Gilmore???

Santa Cruz residents commented on the post with their own stories of Snickerdoodle Sandler. One responder wrote, “Saw him at the wharf on Saturday by the sea lions and he told us that Honda cars kill people. Creepy is right.” Another warned, “Heads up, Mr. Sandler drives an older dark brown windowless van. Obviously everyone can exercise their own discretion, but it would seem ill-advised to approach a man dressed as Cookie Monster or go near his older dark brown windowless van.”

Since there is currently no warrant out for either Adam Sandler’s arrest, it’s unlikely that SCPD will post a follow-up that will satisfy our curiosity about the not-Emmy-nomnomnominated Sandler’s mysterious past or unclear motives. We’re simply left with the advice that, if anyone in Santa Cruz sees a dirty, erratic Cookie Monster cruising around in a windowless van, they and their children should steer clear — we don’t know what Adam Sandler is capable of.

That said, if any California residents come across a man named Rob Schneider who’s dressed in yellowface and shouting crazy bullshit about vaccines, don’t worry — it’s just the comedian.