"F--- Every Other Comedian!" Adam Sandler's Gotham Acceptance Speech Was An Expletive-Ridden Rant Written By His Kids

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"F--- Every Other Comedian!" Adam Sandler's Gotham Acceptance Speech Was An Expletive-Ridden Rant Written By His Kids

Adam Sandler made a stop on his warpath to Oscar night to accept the performer tribute award at the 32nd annual Gotham Awards where the Sandman surprised us all with the revelation that, apparently, humor is hereditary.

Yesterday evening, Sandler stepped up to the podium to accept an award that is generally regarded as a major stepping stone for any performer looking to build a serious Oscar campaign. Sandler is hoping that his performance in the sports drama film Hustle will secure the trophy that eluded him after his Uncut Gems awards campaign sputtered out. He then promised to make “the worst movie ever.” However, Sandler needed a little help with his acceptance speech, so he recruited his teenage daughters to write a furious five minute diatribe full of expletives, embarrassing stories, and the bold declaration of “Only The Sandman makes people laugh! F— every other comedian!”

“Dear well-dressed dignitaries, highly educated hipsters, and various other plus ones of the Gotham Awards,” Sandler began his daughters’ speech in a Foghorn Leghorn-esque Southern drawl. “Thank you for giving our daddy, Mr. Adam Sandler, this prestigious lifetime, all-time, primetime G.O.A.T. achievement tribute award, or whatever this frankly disturbing f—ing object is supposed to represent,” he continued while holding the plain, sharp-edged steel rectangle that resembles the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

The next 90 seconds of the speech were a montage of teasing and insults that only a pair of teenage girls could write about their own father whose trophy case is currently filled with “buckets of popcorn and blimps,” punctuated with a thirsty remark about heartthrob Timothée Chalamet and “that fine little Jewish ass of his.”

Sandler’s daughters compelled their father to tell a story of how he once caught them laughing at a Ben Stiller film, which caused him to escape to his “screaming room” (also known as the shower) and declare himself the only comedian in the world.

“Daddy’s silly film career began in 1988, formed by two guiding principles – people in prison need movies too and TBS needs content to show between all them f—ing basketball games,” Sandler exposited at his daughters’ request. Sandler gave a brief retrospective on his film career with mentions of Billy Madison, The Wedding Singer, and Big Daddy, a film which he described to his daughters as, “The movie that paid for this f—ing house, and your grandma’s house, and your other grandma’s f—ing house, Rob Schneider’s f—ing house, and your braces, and Rob Schneider’s f—ing braces!”

Sandler’s daughters’ written diatribe then moved onto the actor and comedian’s more critically favored films, such as Punch Drunk Love, The Meyerowitz Stories, and Uncut Gems, films that they say were received with “orgasmic acclaim.” Sandler then explained his daughters’ belief that he did these “artsy-fartsy” movies so that he “can one day be invited to the Gotham Awards where he can longingly gaze at at least ten different tables filled with cool, talented, bad-ass artists and say, ‘just how many f—ing movies did A24 produce this year?”

The Sandler family ended the speech with some heartfelt gratitude as Sandler said at his daughters’ request, “Thank you, Mommy, for putting up with Daddy and his crazy f—ing mood swings all these years. Now that, truly, is a feat deserving of a lifetime achievement award.”

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