5 Great Accomplishments By Lifelong Virgins

Depending on your particular desires and/or level of religious zealotry, sex can either be a pleasure in constant pursuit, or a trap designed to condemn you to eternal damnation. At this point in modern society, though, it’s not only generally considered pretty cool, but is also a physical need that’s proven extremely powerful. Sex can be used for everything from selling bad body spray to ensnaring government operatives. Sex gets people off, but it also gets people killed.

It also, especially for high-schoolers or people who share their general thought processes, represents a big part of your social standing. As such, the word “virgin” is a devastating stamp to lay on someone’s forehead, or a cliche punchline to throw around at Star Wars fans. The idea of an adult staying a virgin well into middle age is considered so unusual, it provided the plot of an entire smash hit comedy and established the career of Steve Carell as a leading man. This kind of perspective might leave you surprised by some of the things that have been accomplished by people who might believe that breasts feel like bags of sand.

Here’s five massive achievements accomplished by people who have never ever even done hand stuff…

5 Alternating Current

Scientific genius and icon of invention Nikola Tesla has a bevy of incredible discoveries under his belt. That said, one thing he didn’t have under his belt, according to the man himself, was anybody else. Tesla was, by all reports, perfectly well liked by the ladies and likely could have found a partner for some personal studies on friction, but purposely abstained. Tesla never married and attributed his celibacy to a belief that it would distract him from his work.

Though I’m pretty sure there were a lot of other variables contributing to his revolutionary research and work, you can’t really argue with the results. Maybe most notably, his invention of alternating current, by far the most prevalent form of electricity used in the world today. Alternating current is responsible for you reading this article right now, so if you don’t like it: take it up with Tesla’s ghost, buddy.

4 Iconic Military Victories

As mentioned earlier, religion and sex (or lack thereof) have spent a whole lot of time at odds over history. So it’s not particularly surprising that a highly religious figure might have been celibate. If this entry was about Mother Teresa, I don’t think anyone’s eyebrows would leave their natural alignment. One that might be slightly more surprising though, given that they’d spent their life not in a monastery but fighting through the blood and mud of wartime is the legendary Joan of Arc.

Joan of Arc’s military service in the Hundred Years’ War was prompted by religious visions starting at an early age. The visions told her that she would save France, but also urged her to lead a chaste life. I guess when you think God has a plan for you to save your native country, it’s hard to find time for dating. Joan of Arc led the French army to victory in the Battle of Orleans, all the while maintaining her holy piety. Of course, it also doesn’t give you much time to explore when you’re burned at the stake before 20.

3 Only the Most Famous Fairy Tales Ever

One of the most prominent authors of popular fairy tales that not only persist to this day, but have provided Disney with a whole heap of profits is Hans Christian Andersen. Andersen was the scribe responsible for the original story of beloved tales like The Little Mermaid and evergreen cultural lessons like The Ugly Duckling. Reportedly, his sex life shared the very same G rating as the movie his undersea tale would later receive.

Historians believe that the author, though there’s plenty of evidence of lust for both men and women in some of his private letters, never consummated said literature. The closest he ever came to collaborative sexual activity were occasional brothel visits late in life, during which he paid the women in question, but never participated in the act itself.

2 Alice in Wonderland

Another author who left this earth without ever going horizontal was Lewis Carroll, original author of another future Disney classic, Alice in Wonderland. The man born Charles Dodgson was peculiar in many ways, exactly what you might expect from someone who produced the text-based psychedelic trip that Alice in Wonderland, originally published as Alice’s Adventures Under Ground, presented.

Weirdly, for a pursuit that seems profoundly unrelated to piety, there was apparently a long-since-removed rule against academics at Oxford participating in sex, and Carroll himself thought it was “against God’s wishes for him.” The morals of Carroll’s desires aren’t necessarily entirely pure, however. His hobby of photographing naked children has provoked a whole lot of uncomfortable suspicions about the author, and whether his celibacy might in fact have been a blessing.

1 Discovering Gravity

Despite what those luscious, sexy locks might suggest, another famous figure thought to have died a virgin is famous physicist and apple target Sir Isaac Newton. Now, whether his understanding of gravity was really prompted by the bonk of a ripe red delicious is under question, as historians believe the story may have been spiced up a bit, not unlike a hot cider. Another thing historians believe, though obviously it’s pretty tough to verify, was Newton’s lifelong celibacy.

As far as historical discoveries go, the, well… gravity of Newton’s can’t be understated. Ironically, though, it seems that going down is something that Newton himself never experienced.

I apologize for this entire paragraph — and everything else, really.