15 Jokes For The Hall Of Fame 9/14/22
Our team of scientists have put their collective minds together to scour the world for 15 more perfect jokes to be inducted into the Comedy Hall of Fame. While they are out doing that, here are 15 jokes to pass the time!
“I get irritated when I go to the gym. Soon as I walk into the gym I get f***ing irritated. You know why? Cause everything so damn heavy.”
“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.”
Theo Von reads one of his prank text exchanges from his ancient website, “cranktexts.com.”
“I have nephews. They love spending time with us. They love it because we let them do whatever they want to do - they're not our kids, we don't care. 'Only thing I have to do is keep you alive, that's it.' They come visit us, man - 'Oh what? Oh, no dinner? Alright, fine, hey - ice cream all day, how about that? I don't have to cook a damn thing. Just scoop it out. There you go. Eat up. I don't pay your dental bills.'”
“Went to the rollercoaster used my fast pass and realized I enjoyed the cutting way more than the stupid rides.”
At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.
Wouldn't the world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes?
“Six months ago, in Saudi Arabia, a suicide bomber managed to get close to a Saudi prince. And he did this by hiding a bomb inside him; he managed to get explosives and a detonator inside his anus. And he detonated that bomb, killing nobody -- apart from himself -- a lot. When I first heard that story, my instinctive reaction was, that is definitely the world's greatest missed opportunity for a pull my finger joke.”
A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
“I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.”
“So you’re fat, who cares?”
“Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children’s medications are selling on the Home Shopping Network.”
The late great Trevor Moore of Whitest Kids You Know fame compiled all of his drunk texts to himself and transformed them into song with the help of a mustache-less Reggie Watts.
Valentine's Day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
Change religions for a girl? That’s crazy. Can you imagine what your boys would say? ‘Kevin’s so whipped, he’s Jewish!'
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Top Image: NBC