15 Jokes For The Hall Of Fame
It’s that time again, 15 more jokes are caught in the wild, killed, stuffed, and mounted in the Comedy Hall Of Fame. Not all jokes are worthy of the Hall of Fame, but for those who are, watch your backs. Here is this week's nod to 15 pieces of comedy gold.
"Proof that we don't understand death is that we give dead people a pillow."
Patton Oswalt's bit about the KFC Famous Bowl; The wet dog food of the fast-food community.
"I can't believe we're still giving clothing as a gift. Cause whenever you get clothing as a present, you always open it up and you think, 'Not even close.' And the person that gives it is always like, 'You can take it back if you don't like it.' 'That's alright. I'll just throw it out.' Don't give me an errand."
“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.”
Doug realizes the power he holds when he starts directing the crane operator on how to move the camera jib for his special.
“Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.”
Norm Macdonald’s turtle joke from a 1996 Conan appearance, also includes an explanation of the joke directly after.
“I’m a vegetarian. I’m not strict; I eat fish, and duck. Well, they’re nearly fish, aren’t they? They’re semi-submerged a lot of the time, they spend a lot of time in the water, they’re virtually fish, really. And pigs, cows, sheep, anything that lives near water, I’m not strict. I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.”
Fred Armisen showcases his talent for doing every American accent state by state in his special, Standup For Drummer.
“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.”
Robin: “I’ll tell you what I’m going to do with this stick, I’m going to give it to you.”
Elmo: “Whoa. Thank you, Mr. Robins.”
Robin: “Mr. Robins? I’m taking the stick back, Elmo.”
In this collection of outtakes from Sesame Street, Robin Williams improvises some great jokes with just a stick and a puppet.
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’”
Tim Heidecker’s special, An Evening With Tim Heidecker is a pretty meta act, considering the entire point of the show is for Tim to tell the worst jokes possible. Tim puts on a persona of a terrible hack stand-up comic for the entire hour set, and even adds some crowd work to his arsenal.
“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”
“If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.”
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Top Image: NBC