15 Jokes For The Hall Of Fame

13 Patrice O’Neal

"I don’t litter. I don’t throw garbage in the street. Not because I care about the Earth. But I’m afraid I’m going to be walking through the park drinking a soda and when I’m done, I just throw it over my shoulder, it’ll fly over a bush and land on some dead white woman’s head with my fingerprints on the can. Now I’m the Pepsi-Cola Killer because I’m lazy."

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12 Mickey P. Kerr

“Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short-term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?”

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11 Brian Regan

Brian Regan explains to his doctor an unusual part of his body that doesn’t hurt.

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10 Mitch Hedberg

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless."

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9 Jim Gaffigan

The Dominos pasta bread bowl, just like’a mama Domino used to make!

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8 Bob Hope

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

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7 Joan Rivers

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." 

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6 Phyllis Diller

"Housework won't kill you. But then again, why take the chance?"

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5 Wanda Sykes

"I'm gonna tell you right now—somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke."

If I won I wouldn’t even finish typing this sente-

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4 Margaret Cho

"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later."

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3 Adam Sandler

“My name is Adam. My father’s name is Adam. Having the same name as your father, it’s alright until your voice changes. My friends would always call up, “Is Adam there?” My father would say, “This is Adam.” My friends would say, “Adam, you were so wasted last night.”

Related: Is Adam Sandler The New Ernest?

2 Tina Fey

“With kids it’s so funny because they’re not strong enough to kill you. But they want to kill you so bad.” 

This joke also applies to your aunt’s mean cats.

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1 George Lopez

“Just yesterday you were my little girl on a tricycle. Now you’re a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on a tricycle.” 

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Top Image: Comedy Central