15 Jokes For The Hall Of Fame
After scouring the deepest darkest corners of the comedy world we’ve found even more gut-busting jokes and bits from your favorite comedians. So unhinge your jaw like some freaky anaconda and prepare to swallow these 15 new jokes for the Comedy Hall Of Fame.
"There was a point in time when we were in (Disneyland) where I lost my daughter. But I knew eventually I would run into her again, so I took that time to get on rides she couldn't get on. When I saw her she was crying. I was like, 'It's not your birthday. Today's not about you.'"
Nick Thune’s absolutely true story of how he saved lives by doing a backflip.
"I don’t litter. I don’t throw garbage in the street. Not because I care about the Earth. But I’m afraid I’m going to be walking through the park drinking a soda and when I’m done, I just throw it over my shoulder, it’ll fly over a bush and land on some dead white woman’s head with my fingerprints on the can. Now I’m the Pepsi-Cola Killer because I’m lazy."
Mickey P. Kerr
“Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short-term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?”
Brian Regan explains to his doctor an unusual part of his body that doesn’t hurt.
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless."
Related: 15 More Jokes For The Hall Of Fame
The Dominos pasta bread bowl, just like’a mama Domino used to make!
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."
"Housework won't kill you. But then again, why take the chance?"
"I'm gonna tell you right now—somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke."
If I won I wouldn’t even finish typing this sente-
"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later."
Related: 'Harry Potter' Actress Katie Leung Says Her Publicist Told Her To Her Deny Online Racist Attacks After Being Cast as Cho Chang
“My name is Adam. My father’s name is Adam. Having the same name as your father, it’s alright until your voice changes. My friends would always call up, “Is Adam there?” My father would say, “This is Adam.” My friends would say, “Adam, you were so wasted last night.”
Related: Is Adam Sandler The New Ernest?
“With kids it’s so funny because they’re not strong enough to kill you. But they want to kill you so bad.”
This joke also applies to your aunt’s mean cats.
“Just yesterday you were my little girl on a tricycle. Now you’re a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on a tricycle.”
For exclusive ComedyNerd content and more, subscribe to our spiffy newsletter:
Top Image: Comedy Central