More beautiful jokes to be inducted into the Comedy Hall Of Fame. All jokes not good enough to fit into the Comedy Hall Of Fame have been relocated to the far less popular Comedy Hall Of Pretty Good. Here are 15 perfect jokes to get you through the week.

Doug Benson

Doug Benson

Comedy Central

“People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car.”

Nate Bargatze

Nate Bargatze

Netflix

“A lot of people don't like Wal-Mart, they say it's big business; like it kills the Mom-and-Pop shops. But really Wal-Mart, they were a Mom-and-Pop shop at some point, and then they got their act together and became unbelievable.”

Paul F Tompkins

Paul F Tompkins

Just For Laughs

“Let’s say you know 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’d take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?”

Kevin James

“When you’re big you don’t need a reason to sweat. You don’t, right? My friends cannot grab a hold of this concept. They come up to me all the time, “Geez! What the hell you do? You jumping rope in the attic?” ‘Well, I peeled an orange. About an hour ago, what’s up?’”

Nick Swardson

Nick Swardson

Comedy Central

“Hanging out with a baby is like hanging out with a really, really small… really, really hammered person all the time. That’s really all a baby is. Just the smallest drunkest person that you ever seen in your life. I found myself talking to my sister’s baby the same way I do a buddy at the end of a Saturday night. It’s the same conversation. It’s just me standing over him going, ‘What’s wrong dude? Why you crying?’”

Patton Oswalt

“If I ever commit suicide I’m going to fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do I’m going to stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way when the onlookers walk up they can go, ‘Oh man he really must have been dep - Hey, Snickers!’”

Richard Pryor

Richard Pryor stand up

Columbia Pictures

(Explaining his freebasing accident) “Let me tell you what really happened. Usually, when I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. And One night I had some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, And I mixed them together. And I dipped my cookie and the sh*t blew up.”

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Top Image: Columbia Pictures

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