Ellen DeGeneres

Ellen Degeneres

HBO

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.”

Doug Benson

Doug Benson

Comedy Central

“People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car.”

Nate Bargatze

Nate Bargatze

Netflix

“A lot of people don't like Wal-Mart, they say it's big business; like it kills the Mom-and-Pop shops. But really Wal-Mart, they were a Mom-and-Pop shop at some point, and then they got their act together and became unbelievable.”

Andy Kindler

“My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.”

Paul F Tompkins

Paul F Tompkins

Just For Laughs

“Let’s say you know 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’d take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?”

Bob Newhart

“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to ‘put down.’”

Garry Shandling

Garry Shandling

Carson Entertainment

“I went to my doctor and told him, ‘My penis is burning.’ He said, ‘That means somebody is talking about it.’”

John Oliver

“These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.”

George Wallace

George Wallace

HBO

“I was walking around Taiwan and bought some flip flops for my feet. I said I wonder where were these made. Looked under the bottom. It said, ‘just around the corner.’”

Kevin James

“When you’re big you don’t need a reason to sweat. You don’t, right? My friends cannot grab a hold of this concept. They come up to me all the time, “Geez! What the hell you do? You jumping rope in the attic?” ‘Well, I peeled an orange. About an hour ago, what’s up?’”

Nick Swardson

Nick Swardson

Comedy Central

“Hanging out with a baby is like hanging out with a really, really small… really, really hammered person all the time. That’s really all a baby is. Just the smallest drunkest person that you ever seen in your life. I found myself talking to my sister’s baby the same way I do a buddy at the end of a Saturday night. It’s the same conversation. It’s just me standing over him going, ‘What’s wrong dude? Why you crying?’”

Patton Oswalt

“If I ever commit suicide I’m going to fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do I’m going to stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way when the onlookers walk up they can go, ‘Oh man he really must have been dep - Hey, Snickers!’”

Paul Mooney

Paul Mooney

Yuyu

“Is it just me or is gas high?.. They ain’t been a drive-by for three weeks.”

Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford

Comedy Dynamics

“Have you ever seen somebody order in this country? That’s when you realize maybe we have too much freedom. ‘Yeah, quick question about the coffee: is it organic? OK. I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I’d like to have a cup of boiling hot water. Boiling. Boiling. With Ice. And I don’t want the ice to get all tiny.”

Richard Pryor

Richard Pryor stand up

Columbia Pictures

(Explaining his freebasing accident) “Let me tell you what really happened. Usually, when I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. And One night I had some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, And I mixed them together. And I dipped my cookie and the sh*t blew up.”

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Top Image: Columbia Pictures

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