Wait a second. Are you telling me that Martin Scorsese -- a man who compulsively name-checks Italian Neorealists like they're his close personal friends -- can't get into superhero movies, and had the gall to liken them to a romp in a theme park? How dare he! How dare that old man prefer films in which people talk to each other solemnly for three hours until they all die, instead of movies in which people in capes punch other people in capes and/or robots and/or aliens!
Mr. Scorsese is flat-out wrong! Superhero movies are nothing like the theme park attractions many of them have literally been turned into. At various theme parks all over the world. Including Universal Studios, where you can famously "Ride the Movies." How dare he besmirch the genre that I have sworn a solemn vow to protect with my life. No one asked me to do it. In fact, several people who try to give me small cups filled with pills (which I slap out of their hands every single day) told me not to swear fealty to any genre. But I did it anyway, because these films that generate billions in revenue for their multi-billion-dollar multinational corporations need a champion to rebuke the filth that spews from decrepit directors.
The voices -- you know, the ones that echo in my mind when I try to sleep -- sometimes ask me why I need Martin Scorsese's approval to like the things I like. If a man who makes "serious movies" that are taken seriously by serious people doesn't think superhero movies are his cup of tea, then what does that say about me? Does that mean I finally have to confront that these movies are inherently a little childish, even if that's totally fine? Must I accept that I don't need a film legend's validation to enjoy them? Never! Mr. Scorsese, you foul wretch, methinks you shan't survive my 49-minute, single-breathed YouTube takedown. The one with the thumbnail that says "Mr. Scorsese, superhero movies are MODERN MYTH!!" next to a picture of my face featuring the same bewilderment my caretakers display when I ask if they too have seen the shadow people who walk among us.
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