As America gears up to elect its next commander in chief, the most important thing to keep in mind isn't "Who has the best tax plan?" or even "Who doesn't think I should burn in hellfire for all eternity because of what I do with my junk?" Nope, it's "Who will inspire the least traumatizing artwork?" Seriously, it doesn't matter if you're short or tall, ugly or attractive, liberal or conservative -- if you become president, people will make thousands and thousands of utterly insane pieces of art about you. Please enjoy our finely curated selection.
WARNING: This article gets increasingly deranged as it advances. Cracked is not responsible for your psychologist bills.
Can you imagine what George Washington's expression would be if he could watch a present-day Republican debate? You don't have to imagine anymore:
David Ogden/Abandoned Earth
"Aww, I was rooting for Kasich."
That is only part of the extremely sad collection of 20-foot-tall presidential busts currently littering a Virginia field. The sculptures belonged to a "Presidential Park" that opened in 2004 and went broke in 2010, leading to endless "bust" puns from local newspapers. However, the owner of the contractor company hired to destroy the 43 busts was too much of a patriot to go through with it, so he decided to give them a new home in his own property, at a cost of $50,000. Now it looks like he's got a literal president farm going on.
Pablo Iglesias Maurer/DCist
This is what happens when you drop the Pentagon's secret vials of sperm in a field.
Unfortunately, the contractor still ended up doing the job he was hired to do while transporting some of the statues. He dropped Lincoln's head at some point, giving him a creepy (yet historically accurate) hole:
David Ogden/Abandoned Earth
If they're all cursed to repeat their fates, we'd wear gloves while handling Clinton.
We've talked before about the nutty art of Jon McNaughton, the Pablo Picasso of the Republican Party, but we'd suck at our job if we didn't include his masterpiece in this article:
Alan Tudyk is still sad that Firefly got cancelled.
Despite McNaughton's intentions here, Obama looks less like he's trampling on the Constitution and more like he knocked over the sandcastle James Madison spent all afternoon building. Bill Clinton and the Roosevelts look quite pleased with Obama bullying that long-socked dweeb, while the founding fathers are distraught and bemused -- they've never seen a black man in a suit before. Meanwhile, George W. Bush just looks confused; credit to McNaughton for nailing that one.
Thanks to the incredibly detailed notes on McNaughton's site, we know that the man on the bench is "The Forgotten Man," a representation of every American citizen (currently suffering from erectile dysfunction). But fear not, everyone; there's a sequel!
Now we know why Obama hates the Constitution: He's allergic to it.
In The Empowered Man, our hero has wrested the Constitution from under Obama's boot. Madison looks especially pleased by the bravery of his knight in a Salvation Army jacket, while Lyndon B. Johnson is looking down, still more enamored of his own Johnson than anything else. And the most true-to-life feature remains: Bush still doesn't understand what the hell's going on.
The message is clear: Obama's farts are REALLY POTENT.
George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were not contemporaries, but an unsettling number of artists have a hankering for some closer "diplomatic relations" between the two. How do we put this? They want Washington's Monument up close and personal with a Lincoln Memorial in a state of Gettysburg undress -- and it seems like Abe likes it.
The angels are all "OMG KIIIIIIIISS."
That's The Apotheosis, from around 1865. It's meant to pay tribute to the recently-assassinated Lincoln, and not to induce arousal in presidential slash fiction fans. And yet here we are. And the strangest part is that there is more than one rendition of this bizarre afterlife coupling:
It's another Union that Lincoln desperately wants to hold together.
This one, from the same year, is more of a prequel to the inevitable whirlwind romance of two of America's finest, as angels provide romantic ambiance. Next, here's George again, gallivanting around like he's President of Heaven as he welcomes Abe into his open arms.
Note that these two are also called Apotheosis. We hope the artists are using the second meaning of the word (somebody being elevated to divine status) and not the first (climax), because otherwise, those "clouds" Lincoln is rubbing below Washington start to look very suspicious.
Presidential portraiture has a long, proud tradition in American politics. And like most long, proud traditions, it can feel stagnant and old-fashioned to younger generations. The solution, as with most things, is "add boobs."
Somehow, that boob looks completely at home on Clinton's face.
Artist Emily Deutchman got the idea for this series after she spent some time doodling breasts on her own friends' faces. Obviously, doing the same thing to presidents was the next logical step. There was no specific reason that she chose boobs, but when she settled on that concept, she milked it for all it was worth. Whether it was knockers on noses, mammaries on mouths, or (our personal favorite) a saggy rack under Ronald Reagan's chin ...
His breasts really trickled down in old age.
... Deutchman continued to find innovative ways to get some facial funbags onto America's most powerful men.
Presidents should be teated with far more respect.
We pray that this catches on so that we can protect the innocence of the children. Instead of asking uncomfortable questions about the War in Iraq, they would've been far more interested in George Bush's forehead rack. The upcoming presidential race should give Deutchman even more fodder for some American leader areola art. Not that the election matters -- if we've learned anything from all of this, it's that whoever wins the race will probably end up being a tit.
Taco Werewolf is an Internet personality who poses as a werewolf obsessed with tacos. It's pretty self-explanatory. One of his many art projects expanded the word salad to include "Obama" and "underwear," resulting in an informative series examining the sustainability of each of Obama's campaign promises during the 2008 election:
Obama's healthcare platform.
Obama vows to turn up the heat on gender equality in Congress.
Showing some support for American agriculture.
It's no wonder he ended up winning such strong support. However, according to Taco Werewolf, the future looks grim under an Obama administration:
"No, that's 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Penn-sylvania!"
At least it looks like we'll finally find out the truth about what happened in 9/11:
Dr. Seuss really lost the plot in his later years.
And Area 51:
Yes, of course. Of course!
And, you know, this:
Why do the dogs have Bowie eyes? Why ... all of it?
The artist's very specific set of obsessions continued in 2012, when he did a whole series about Obama facing Mitt Romney's magic Mormon underwear ... but we can't show you those images, since Taco Werewolf promises to prosecute anyone who copies them "to the fullest extent of the law." It would be unwise to mess with someone who is clearly a close friend of the president, since he got Obama to pose for these paintings and all.
Yes, that's the only reason we're afraid of this guy.
Luckily, you can buy the Obama/Romney series for only $200 apiece. Hurry!
As the old saying goes, behind every great man, there's a freakishly gigantic woman lurching over him. For example, Barack Obama may be a giant of international politics, but his wife, Michelle, is apparently a straight-up giant:
"Does this dress make me look big?"
For reasons beyond our (and anyone sane's) comprehension, there's a group of people who love Photoshopping Barack's better half into a behemoth. It's not something as simple as making the President look tiny and weak, either, since she's been depicted with other politicians:
And entertainment figures:
She even manages to make Jay Leno's chin look sensibly-sized.
We get that the first lady has always had a prominent role to play, but these artists might be taking that prominence a little too literally. This gets even weirder, though. Also, bigger. Adding some giant lifts to Michelle's shoes isn't all that artists like to do. Sometimes, the first lady also gets made to look like she's going to take first place at Ms. Olympia:
To be completely honest, we're struggling for explanations for this one. Maybe it's meant to be an endearing tribute, a personification of the strength required to survive as first lady ... or maybe someone's wanking to these things. We may never kn--
Yeah, it's the second one.
The Internet is full of images of Obama on a unicorn because, well, it's the Internet. However, as you're perusing those images while bored at work, as we all do, you might notice something strange: 1) Like 90 percent are by the same guy, and 2) Obama is buck naked in all of them.
This is actually a regular horse with a post on its head, though. You've failed us, Google.
Dan Lacey, an artist who specializes in painting famous people with pancakes on their heads, has a side job making pictures of Obama nude and riding unicorns. As Lacey explains, the nakedness symbolizes Obama's status as a "messiah figure," and the fact that he "just really enjoy[s] painting nudes."
As for the unicorns, who the fuck knows?
"My Giant Pony: The Adventures Of Barack Obama And Old Faithful" also has a mighty ensemble cast joining it. When he isn't smiting bears and citizens, Obama is riding his unicorn around Washington with his loyal companions, Josef Stalin and Dr. House.
Above: Obama being joined by a cranky dictator, as well as the former leader of the Soviet Union.
The reason for Dr. House's inclusion is obvious (look at the state of the White House, then his name), but it's hard to be certain why Stalin is involved. We can only assume those pills are what's keeping Obama's insane naked unicorn trip going. And who can blame him for wanting to keep the dream alive, when he and his steed are as close as they are?
They even share dick pancakes.
Whoever comes out on top in the upcoming elections, and however dark things may get in the political realm, at least we can all look back with fondness at the glory days, when the White House shot rainbows and the President would ride around town naked on a unicorn.
This is the American Dream now. Deal with it.
There's currently a lot of debate about what the president can and can't do with an executive action. Back in 2009, however, one artist was interested in getting some executive action of a very different kind ...
Unless we're misreading all those thinkpieces and editorials.
Yeah, judging by these paintings, artist Justine Lai doesn't want a separation of powers; she wants to be very much intertwined with the executive branch. The artist painted a series of images of herself taking the concept of "fuck the man" very literally with each of the first 18 presidents of the United States. It's hard to be certain, but the first one above looks like Ulysses S. Grant, and the second is either Martin Van Buren or Doc from the Seven Dwarfs.
She might not be the first lady, but she's the first to get in there.
Believe it or not, this wasn't all an elaborate pun on the concept of getting screwed by politicians. Her explanation for the series was to simultaneously humanize and demythologize the presidents, showing that it might be a White House, but they aren't always white sheets. She chose to depict herself having her own Liberty Bell rung by the leaders to attempt to locate something more mortal and intimate about these famous figures. Simply painting them chilling at home and eating hot dogs was too complex, it seems.
"Who's your founding daddy?"
Fortunately, the artist's aim was for the works to come across as playful and tender, rather than outright pornographic. It's a unique, intimate and compelling series as is -- nobody needs to see Bush's bush, or that big stick Teddy Roosevelt claimed to be carrying.
Hoss isn't the President of anything (yet ...), but he does have a Twitter where you can follow his campaign to become a regular human person @M_Hossey.
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Also, follow us on Facebook, and check out our personal stash of nude Obama paintings.
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
Well, this is terrifying.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.