Palpatine Was Almost Anakin's Father, Because Midi-Chlorians
In a reference to either the original trilogy or every episode of Maury Povich ever made, the truth about Anakin's father is shrouded in mystery. In fact, Anakin's mom pretty much comes right out and states that it was a virgin birth, the standard M.O. of every desert-dwelling mom with a super-powered kid.
"If you think they're pissed about this midi-chlorian nonsense, think about how I felt."
While this business is never really mentioned in later movies, the original script for Episode III cleared things up in a big, bold, batshit-crazy way. It all starts with midi-chlorians, the cellular disease that gives you wacky Force powers. A lot of fans hated the introduction of midi-chlorians, which made the mystical Force scientifically quantifiable, a total 180 from the previous trilogy's take on what amounted to overpowered yoga techniques.
We learn early on that Anakin is riddled with midi-chlorians like an old-timey sailor with STDs. It turns out that he was birthed by midi-chlorians like Qui-Gon suspected, but with a twist. Anakin's conception was part of an evil scheme by Palpatine (we refuse to use the word "plot" with this franchise anymore), who would effectively have been Anakin's father.
There's more genetic diversity in Game Of Thrones.
In a deleted scene, Emperor Palpatine tells Anakin: "I used the power of the Force to will the midi-chlorians to start the cell divisions that created you," adding, "You might say I'm your father."
Anakin responds: "That's impossible!"
"I don't know how much you know about poetry, but now I have to chop off your hand."
This has to be a blatant callback to Luke's cries of disbelief in The Empire Strikes Back, because the deleted scene refuses to detail how the Force begrudgingly accepted its role as George Lucas' Scriptwriting Swiss Army Knife and impregnated a woman from literally planets away. Impossible, indeed.
J.M. McNab co-hosts the pop culture nostalgia podcast Rewatchability, which can also be found on iTunes. Follow him on Twitter @Rewatchability.
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