If 'New Moon' Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest

FADE IN:

INT. ROBERT PATTINSON'S FAMILY'S HOUSE

KRISTEN STEWART is celebrating her BIRTHDAY with ROBERT PATTINSON'S FAMILY.

KRISTEN STEWART

Thanks for this incredibly creepy party everyone, but I'm really not in the mood to celebrate. Every year I spend in these movies makes it that much more difficult for me to get any other acting role.

ROBERT PATTINSON

But you're the founder of the "dull angst" method of acting! Stare blankly when sad, bite lip when happy!

KRISTEN STEWART

(stares blankly)

ASHLEY GREENE

Hey Kristen! Open my gift first! It's a bag of ecstasy, now you can be just as obnoxiously bubbly and wired as me!

KRISTEN opens the gift and cuts herself on the wrapping.

KRISTEN STEWART

Ouch. Zoom in cameraman, I got a papercut.

ROBERT PATTINSON

On wrapping paper? How is that even possible?

Suddenly, JACKSON RATHBONE pretends he's a SNAKE and makes SUPER COOL SNAKE NOISES. He lunges at KRISTEN.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Don't worry Kristen, I will protect you by hurling you against a wall and into a glass table!

KRISTEN STEWART

My hero!

(bleeds profusely)

JACKSON is sent to his room.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Kristen, my family is dangerous. I mean, a single drop of blood whipped them into a hilarious frenzy.

KRISTEN STEWART

I noticed. So do I just avoid coming over for a week every month or something?

ROBERT PATTINSON

What I'm trying to say is, I think we should break up. Please don't do anything stupid. And yes, Taylor Lautner counts as a stupid thing.

KRISTEN STEWART

No! I've been dumped by my high school boyfriend! The only natural reaction is to have violent night terrors, and detach from my friends completely!

INT. SCHOOL

After a while, KRISTEN STEWART starts talking to her friends again.

MICHAEL WELCH

I heard you sat and stared out your window for three solid months. That seems like a pretty clear sign of a mental imbalance, which I'm apparently attracted to. Want to go see a movie?

KRISTEN STEWART

Sure, lets go see Face-Punch. Apparently the trailer tag line is "Pow pow, punch faces."

MICHAEL WELCH

I know it's a joke movie, but that actually sounds a hell of a lot better than this steaming pile.

MICHAEL and KRISTEN go see a movie, but she invites TAYLOR LAUTNER as well.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Hey Kristen. I got super ripped since the last movie. By the way I'm totally not a werewolf.

KRISTEN STEWART

You should make fun of the poor schmuck who invited me to this movie since he's not as ripped as you.

MICHAEL WELCH

You know what? I don't need this shit! I may not be Robert Pattinson, but I've still been in the Twilight movies! Michael Fucking Welch pulls trim, okay?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Pattinson is never coming back, Kristen. You should get over him and go out with me.

KRISTEN STEWART

I dunno, I was really looking forward to another three-month spinning camera shot. Wanted to know what I'd see outside my window for "March". Not sure if I'm ready to date someone else.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

(points to abs)

KRISTEN STEWART

Good point. Would you be okay with me stringing you along and using you to fix some motorcycles I found so that I can get an adrenaline rush that reminds me of Robert Pattinson?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Hmm. Maybe if I show you how loyal I am and offer you an endless supply of support without any kind of pressure you'll eventually come to rely on me and that reliance will slowly morph into romantic feelings!

KRISTEN STEWART

Maybe! That's worked for lots of guys, just ask any forum on the internet!

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Great. I will never, ever leave you.

(pause)

By the way, I am a werewolf after all. I can never see you again.

KRISTEN STEWART

Wow, so this movie series is going to ruin werewolves too?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Yep. Werewolves are telepathic and like cliffdiving.

KRISTEN STEWART

I'm going to be really disappointed if the next movie doesn't have rapping Frankenstein monsters or chess-playing mummies or something.

KRISTEN hangs around the WEREWOLF FAMILY. No WEREWOLF SOCCER is forced upon the AUDIENCE.

KRISTEN STEWART

Is there any particular reason you guys never wear shirts? I mean besides generating revenue for panty manufacturers?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

We shred them when we turn into extremely poorly animated wolves.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh. Then is there any particular reason you guys still wear pants?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

You ever see a dog's penis?

KRISTEN continues cockteasing TAYLOR and eventually the phone in her house rings. TAYLOR answers it.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Hello? Do I have Prince Albert in a can? That joke doesn't even make sense anymore, how old are you? Asshole.

(hangs up)

KRISTEN STEWART

Why the hell are you answering other people's phones? Seriously, who does that?

Suddenly, ASHLEY GREENE bursts in the door.

ASHLEY GREENE

Kristen! That was Robert Pattinson who called, and since you were unable to answer the phone he naturally assumed you were dead! Now he's going to kill himself!

KRISTEN STEWART

Wow, what a complete rip-off of Romeo and Juliet!

ASHLEY GREENE

It is, but since earlier the movie acknowledged that play exists, it makes it an homage! Hey, it smells like wet dog in here.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

What the fuck, are all vampires raging dickholes?

ASHLEY GREENE

Kristen, Robert is going to walk naked into the sunlight in Volterra, Italy. If he does this, the Volturi will have to kill him!

KRISTEN STEWART

Because then the city would know that vampires are still around?

ASHLEY GREENE

No, because then they'll see him all glittery and know just how lame vampires are in Stephanie Meyer's universe. We have to stop him!

KRISTEN STEWART

This movie isn't going to try and pretend it's an action flick in the last 10 minutes like the last movie, is it?

It IS. KRISTEN and ASHLEY take a continental flight to ITALY to try and stop ROBERT.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - VOLTERRA, ITALY

KRISTEN and ASHLEY arrive just as ROBERT takes his shirt off to step into the sunlight.

KRISTEN STEWART

Robert, no! Holy crap, is that what you look like without a shirt on? Aren't you supposed to be some kind of sex symbol? You look like a white Urkel.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Kristen, you're alive! I love you more than anything could love a loved thing! Please ignore the fact that I'm still glowering at you as I say this.

KRISTEN STEWART

Of course! Hear that, girls in the audience? When the boy you love dumps you, it means he loves you more than ever! Don't give up!

ROBERT PATTINSON

And if he thinks you are going to die, it will force him to express that love!

ROBERT, KRISTEN, and ASHLEY are apprehended by MICHAEL SHEEN, who is the KING VAMPIRE OR SOME BULLSHIT.

MICHAEL SHEEN

I'm going to kill you now, Robert. My wife loves these movies for some damn reason and if I have to sit through "Breaking Dawn" so help me ...

KRISTEN STEWART

Don't kill him! Kill me instead!

MICHAEL SHEEN

I think it was assumed that we'll be eating you after we kill him, but whatever. Let's use our super cool vampire powers to look into your future.

They look into the future and see KRISTEN and ROBERT prancing through a meadow in slow motion. The BOYFRIENDS in the AUDIENCE ruin their chances of getting laid by laughing uproariously.

MICHAEL SHEEN

Well that was fucking embarassing. Go on, get out of here. And please send in the huge group of American tourists whose disappearance somewhere in Italy surely won't garner the attention of every major news network.

KRISTEN, ROBERT, and ASHLEY go back to WASHINGTON.

EXT. WOODS

KRISTEN and ROBERT are walking through the woods when they encounter TAYLOR LAUTNER.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

You're back with the vampire? I thought you were falling in love with me!

KRISTEN STEWART

Guys, think about this a minute. Isn't the fact that I'm only attracted to dangerous monsters an indicator that I'm not actually attracted to who either of you are, but what you are? Clearly I just have some kind of serious mental issue.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Yeah well, stay away from her Robert. Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Right, because you turn into a cartoon dog.

KRISTEN STEWART

This is the classic "person likes popular kid but is loved by best friend" storyline used in virtually every high school movie ever made, huh?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Yeah, except unlike every other movie that has used this cliche, you actually wind up with the popular kid and I stay a chump forever.

TAYLOR leaves.

KRISTEN STEWART

I asked your family to vote on if I'd be turned into a vampire and they voted yes. A vampire society is nothing if not a group that respects democracy.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Fine. I'll convert you after two more books on one condition: you marry me.

KRISTEN STEWART

Er, did a 109-year-old just ask a teenage girl to make a lifetime commitment? Classy.

GIRLS IN AUDIENCE

(swooning)

No wonder boys hate Twilight! Nobody can be as perfect as Edward!

BOYS IN AUDIENCE

Are you kidding? We love Twilight! It teaches the next generation of women that, the worse their men treat them, the more in love they should be.

GIRLS IN AUDIENCE

You're right! Want to buy me another movie ticket?

BOYS IN AUDIENCE

Buy your own goddamn ticket you stupid cunt.

WOMEN IN AUDIENCE

(swoon)

END