If 'Twilight' Was 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest

@OldKingTut

I chose Wuthering Heights and the Count of Monte Cristo because they are two of my favorite books (I even tried to make sense of the colloquial rubbish from Heathcliffe’s servant), and I know they’ve made movies of them. So pick any other book - substitute Forrest Gump (crap novel, great film) and Clear and Present Danger (and change “Caviezel” to “Ford”). My point is, don’t lay into the author of a book for the movie that comes after. I wouldn’t compare Twilight to any book or movie (I haven’t read or seen it), but I can’t believe you actually compared Rod Hilton to Andre Bazin.

How did this guy slog through a probably crap novel, pay close attention to a movie (or perhaps watch it several times) knowing that it was a movie made for teenage girls and then exclaim in effect, “This is the kind of movie that only a teenage girl would like!”? Brilliant. Now, if I had any doubts that Twilight was a crap novel/film, if this piece is at all close to the real story then I’m convinced, and at least Rod saved me time and money of renting it. But I wouldn’t watch the The Fast and The Furious and be upset when I discovered that it was a movie made for undersexed teenage boys by a man who was probably once an undersexed teenage boy. I also wouldn’t lay into the author (had there been a book). The author of Twilight is a genius. She picked up on an underexploited market and trend – teenage girls and vampires (respectively). With average households spending 33% of their income on children; and teen girls spending almost exclusively on [mostly luxury] commodities like movies, makeup, and designer shirts with that-boy-who-played-Cedric-in-Harry Potter’s face on them (unlike adults whose expenditures include rent, vehicles, and groceries), she hit the jackpot.

This article came to my attention because of the author’s directed attacks not only toward the movie but toward the book and the author herself. It’s not my assertion. Read the first line of his article. I work in a domestic violence clinic, and so when the Rod’s opening attack in what is supposed to be a derisive piece on a movie is directed at the author of the book upon which the movie was based, calling her an “unpopular fat girl” (a phrase that sounds rather adolescent itself) my attention was grabbed. It reminded me of a case where a boyfriend assaulted his girlfriend’s sister because “she is an ugly b***h.” A tendency toward violence against women is usually formed by the teen years in men. So while most normal people aren’t fazed by this author’s degrading remark toward Twilight’s author, it reinforces others’ attitudes – that women’s worth is derived from their appearance. The same way white supremacists find validation in Dave Chappelle’s otherwise harmless portrayal of racial stereotypes, some people read this author’s remarks and see the loads of approval, and it validates their feelings that it is okay to berate a woman if she’s fat. Rod calls the author of Twilight a “misogynist” (definition: someone who hates women). I suppose that’s possible; there are Jewish members of the KKK. But I think what he meant is “sexist.” I think I understand some of what motivates his attack of the writer herself. Most people with misogynistic views (such as perpetrators of domestic violence) have their feelings rooted in insecurity, a wish to control, or jealousy (example: wife earns more than husband, husband resents wife’s job, accuses her of sleeping with her boss – his rationalization of why she earns more than he – and then he beats her). Rod invokes an adolescent context with his characterization of the author as “unpopular” – a term that doesn’t get used once someone’s past secondary. She’s a writer; he’s a writer. He’s successful?; she’s a little more successful. So she becomes an unpopular, ugly, (and therefore worthless) girl.

OldKingTut, I’ll say this about you: at least you can type without watching your fingers as your lips were obviously glued to Rod’s bum while you defended his honor. As for your suggestion that I touch myself - that may work for you; the rest of us have discovered sex.

7/3/2009 1:15:19 AM

LameArticle

I have read every Twilight book. Every one. I used to like it in Junior High, and by the time I hit the third book, I realized that it was just glorified Fan-Fiction. I seriously wouldn't have been surprised if Stephanie had written a chapter exclusively on gay sex between Jacob and Edward.

This book is written primarily for the girls with major self-esteem problems who go on to face book and add every single "Screw boyfriends, I'm waiting for Edward!" Flair available. Normally, I would have pity for Robert Pattinson, but he did in fact, audition for this. Knowingly. If he was that stupid as to not know who this film is aimed at, I will be surprised. I hope his fat, rabid, Junior High fans eat his balls.

7/2/2009 10:43:38 AM

Annessister12

Meh. The books were a decent read... someone below mentioned, they were really emotional, which is why the movie stunk so badly. It's hard to convey internal thoughts without cheesy narration (unless Morgan Freeman is doing it, but I think teenage girls would get confused by his voice in Bella's head...)

I'm a teenage girl, and I respect Twilight as a decent book. I'm a sophomore now, read it in like seventh grade and thought it was the s**t. Now I take it out every once in a while when I'm looking for something to read on an airplane/during a roadtrip/etc.

I got my boyfriend to read them through much bribery and cupcake-baking. He thought they were kinda fluffy, more for little girls, but respected the emotional conflict. I mean, Steph goes alittle overboard with the angst sometimes, but didn't J.K. Rowling do the same thing to Harry Potter? (Case in point: Draco Malfoy from OtP-end of series.)

That's just my opinion... take it or leave it.
peace (:

7/2/2009 1:13:13 AM

skyeatsali

I am a twilight fan, but this is pretty funny i have to admit... The books were good, i liked the books, but the movie was soooooo crap compared to the book. i was sitting in the cinema thinking what kind of crack were the producers on when they made this movie? That actor is sooo wrong and that totally didn't happen. I mean what about Rosalie? (she was the blonde vampire, in case you didn't know) she was supposed to be the most beautiful (or hot if you're a dude) girl ever. but she so was not. she wasn't ugly, but she was just not right. she had horrible hair too. it was so dull and should have been shiny or something. anyway, all in all the movie sucked but the books are still good. This was a funny re-write! :)

7/1/2009 6:15:38 AM

apple-pie

Awesome stuff.

Personally, my favorite thing about Twilight is the fans. I love to tell them that what they idolize is a piece of s**t. It doesn't stop there though, as with any loyal fan, they must now defend it!

What is their defense? These people who worship the s**t their book and author came from? Why, how many people buy into it, of course! Not once have I seen a truly legitimate counter-proposal in Twilights favor. All there is, ever, is the statement that "It sold millions, big fan base, must be good."

A lot of stupid, idiotic wastes of time have large fan bases, but that doesn't mean anything really. People think that because you can recognize hear name, that makes Meyer a good author? By no means has popularity ever decided talent, some of the best authors in the world never get the respect they deserve. My personal favorite is Piers Anthony. Man has written well, well beyond 20 books, all of which have 20x more substance than all of Meyers works combined, on literary-steroids. She, as an author, is a total failure.

Regardless of my loathsome feelings toward Meyer and anything she touches, I enjoyed this a great deal. Funny stuff.

6/30/2009 6:39:57 AM

SeeksRealTalent

Okay...
I LOVE THIS!! HAHA!! It made me laugh. A lot. ^.^

I personally hate twilight. -.- I read the book within the first week it came out ["Ooh! Look! Vampire book!! Maybe it's pretty good!!"] And.... It sucked... -.- Then the second book came out... ["Oh god... But this one has werewolves... Maybe...."] And it sucked. Then comes the third book!! ["Hahahahhaha No....... Fine... FINE FINE FINE!! SHUT UP BOOK CLERK LADY I'LL F-ING READ IT!"] And it suuuuuuuuuuuucked. The fourth book took me two months to read it cuz it sucked so bad.

Then I went to the movie with a couple of friends. It...sucked...so...bad... -.- I wanted to cry. Haha.
Went to the movie again and got kicked out for yelling at the stupid squealing fan girls. ["DUDE!!! HES NOT EVEN HOT!!! NONE OF THEM ARE!! SHUT UP AND WATCH THE CRAPPY MOVIE!!!"] Then I snuck back in... and got kicked out... again. ["HE LOOKS LIKE A f*****g SOUR SKITTLE!"] I mean, WTF??? -.-" Whatever.

This hit the nail on the head, though!! Amazing!! Haha.
Biggest thing though...
The only scene in the movie I liked was the baseball scene. C=< Haha.

6/27/2009 4:31:02 PM

Atriarch

http://thedeathofmovies.blogspot.com/2009/06/why-twilight-sucked.html

6/23/2009 12:54:15 PM

Phantomtollboy

lol i don't get why peopla are so aggressive with their comments i'm a fan of twilight and i find this hilarious !

6/20/2009 3:00:08 PM

Enfys

@ LameArticle

Ha ha you're so sarcastic.

So Rod Hilton, in directing deliberately ironic and very specific criticisms at the author of the piece for preaching misogyny and female subservience as virtues, is being somehow disingenuous, or indeed misogynistic himself? Please. The article is a pointed satire on one of the most disgusting literary and cinematic successes of the last decade.

And placing 'Twilight' in the same bracket as 'The Count of Monte Cristo' and 'Wuthering Heights'? Good one. You must be really smart. What other results did "classic book" turn up for you on Google?

Your most intelligent insight must surely be your assertion that somebody who has not penned a bestselling novel or directed a hit movie should not be allowed to criticise one. Excellent. Truly brilliant. As anyone with any level of intelligence would be able to discern, that suggestion is a completely moronic. Maybe you should go back in time and tell Andre Bazin to shut the f**k up writing about films on the basis that he never made one himself.

You're an idiot. Go touch yourself.

6/16/2009 9:20:14 AM

oldkingtut

Excellent movie review..

Or was it a book review? I’m not quite sure. And amen to the criticism of the bookmovie’s message of abstinence. We all know that if there’s one problem this country has, it’s teenagers not having enough sex. Either way, I say lay into the author.

While you’re at it, I say give Alexandre Dumas his comeuppance for not giving the priest in Count of Monte Cristo a name or for Jim Caviezel’s inadequate acting. Authors need to think of things like that. But I’m on a tangent. Back to a proper message. How about a movie that sends the right message to teenagers: “go have sex!” How about American Pie? If only they had made a book first, you could pretend to have some intellectual basis for your critique. Otherwise it’s perfect; it’s not at all misogynistic because the one girl calls the boy a “b***h,” and it certainly has nothing to do with wish fulfillment. Well maybe not by “fat, unpopular girls” but certainly by fat unpopular boys who now run their own web sites.

Maybe I’m being unfair. Instead of guessing at what kind of bookmovies you like, I should just recommend we read your bestselling novel/watch your hit movie. What’s that? You don’t have one? I’m shocked! Well at least we can read and reread your delightful publication here on Cracked Magazine online. It has nothing of the faults of Twilight. For example Twilight uses silly similes, while yours, “Albino Wolverine”, That’s just brilliant. You must be an avid reader? You’re obviously an avid writer. So in contrast to the author, I’m guessing you’re a fit, tan, good-looking fulfilled man. You only criticize the author so heavily because you think it will get her teen readers to think about the quality of the literature they read. Perhaps your next critique should be of Wuthering Heights. Warning, don’t just watch the movie on this one. It’s quite a bit different from the book. Or maybe you’re just trying to counteract the “misogynistic” message of the author. I think calling her a fat girl who was a loser in high school will empower teen girls everywhere. I applaud your efforts. May you have a long, fruitful career here at cracked and the revenue your web site must rake in until your 496 adoring fans urge you to go ahead and publish these endlessly witty, yet insightful and enlightened, articles of your web site in a complete novel.

6/15/2009 1:45:13 PM

LameArticle

My mate, was dragged along by his girl (yes she and all her friends are all sqweee-ing over it as well) and I went too as his moral support... f*****g loved it, it was the best laugh I have had in years... also there are some really hot chicks who love it, so I got a good view... really all is right with the world.

Also, is it just me or does he have a really square chin??? seriously, it just comes straight down from one ear, goes across, then up to the other one.

Can't wait for the next one, im gonna so see it... not reading the books for anything though XP

6/13/2009 4:47:05 AM

Ahami22

It's like they transmitted my thoughts as I was forced to watch this abortion of cinema and displayed it on the internet!

6/13/2009 12:14:22 AM

cheat85

This article makes me happy. :)

puppyluv makes me sad. :(

6/12/2009 10:37:04 AM

Tartra

I had to see this movie in my Film Study class, and you nailed it.

6/12/2009 10:17:09 AM

JoeCB1991

I love this! I love Twilight and I guess I got a little ticked at some parts- But it still kicks ass! I love it!

6/11/2009 8:27:48 PM

ihatejacob1

This was truly one of the most epic things I have ever read.
Kristen Stewart is my new hero.

~Tera253~

6/11/2009 7:24:18 AM

Tera253

@puppyluv:

Hi, I'm satire. Have we met?

6/10/2009 1:37:47 PM

Fishyman

@puppyluv: It's called comedy. Seriously, dude? This wasn't written to change anybodies minds about Twilight. Chances are, the people reading this already hate that book series/movie.

Loved the article. My sister loves Twilight, and I think she's about f*****g sick of me quoting this article every time she watches the movie or reads the books.

6/10/2009 12:38:32 AM

helluvadrug

x-D
Watery-eyes funny, Mr. Hilton.

6/6/2009 2:28:43 AM

aquiethuman

Heh, spot on.

5/15/2009 11:08:48 AM

Stonecrow