Terminator: Salvation (If They Left Out The Bullshit)
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What if Terminator: Salvation was only ten minutes long, and was made by someone with two names who had actually seen the first few Terminator movies? Would the film, like Skynet, have become self aware, and realized how much it sucks? The-Editing-Room.com's Rod Hilton answers all of these questions and more with the least retarded Terminator script produced so far this year.
FADE IN: INT. SKYNET BASE CHRISTIAN BALE and a team of ROBOT FODDER break into a SKYNET military base which, despite the fact that it is made for machines instead of humans, is designed to make it easy for humans to move around. CHRISTIAN BALE It looks like Skynet is taking human prisoners. Something's different. This isn't the future my mother warned me about. That future definitely had lasers, I'm sure of it. That future would have been totally sweet. MICHAEL IRONSIDE Bale! You're a loose cannon! You've destroyed over half the city! I've got the mayor breathing down my neck! CHRISTIAN leaves the BASE only to discover a bunch of TERMINATORS taking more humans prisoner. CHRISTIAN BALE I must chase after them! If only there were an easily damageable vehicle that, when damaged, would maximize my chance of fatality! Oh, a helicopter, perfect!
CHRISTIAN grabs a HELICOPTER, which results in a CRASH that somehow leaves him unscathed. A CRIPPLED TERMINATOR chases him, but it is killed by bullets. Plain old, regular bullets. The kind that couldn't kill terminators in the other movies. EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND SAM WORTHINGTON wanders into the ruins of a city. He is attacked by a TERMINATOR THAT LOOKS LIKE DOLPH LUNDGREN but rescued by ANTON YELCHIN. ANTON YELCHIN Come with me if you want to live. SAM WORTHINGTON Actually I've read the rest of the script for this movie, I'll just stay here, thanks. ANTON drops some TRASH on the TERMINATOR and kills it. SAM WORTHINGTON What the hell was that thing? ANTON YELCHIN Where have you been? That was a Terminator! SAM WORTHINGTON No it wasn't. Terminators are scary. That thing was wearing a headband. ANTON YELCHIN So who are you anyway? SAM WORTHINGTON I'm a prisoner that was executed in 2004. I donated my body to science because Helena Bonham Carter asked me to and she was bald with perfectly plucked eyebrows, the international moviemaking symbol for someone with cancer. ANTON YELCHIN Nothing suspicious about that, let's become reluctant partners!
INT. RESISTANCE BASE CHRISTIAN BALE gets a lecture from MICHAEL IRONSIDE while IVAN G'VERA translates. MICHAEL IRONSIDE You don't play by the rules, Bale! You think you're above the law! I'm taking you off the case! IVAN G'VERA Mr. Ironside wants you to be aware that you and your teenage father have both been targeted by Skynet. CHRISTIAN BALE My father? I can't let that happen, it would create a time paradox that wouldn't really matter since this whole franchise just seems to make up the rules of time travel whenever it wants! MICHAEL IRONSIDE Turn in your gun and badge! You're suspended until further notice! IVAN G'VERA Mr. Ironside also wants you to know that his team has figured out how to turn the machines off using an audio clip. CHRISTIAN BALE Does it secretly mimic the remote shutdown code? IVAN G'VERA Nah, it's just a track off Eminem's new album. When the machines hear it, they kill themselves. I'm pretty sure he rhymes "rubbers" with "rubbers." EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTLAND SAM and YELCHIN drive an amazingly-still-functioning car around a bit until they attract the attention of MEGATRON.
An incredibly LOUD action sequence follows with a bunch of EXPLOSIONS. ANTON YELCHIN Wow, it's all of the action of Terminator 2, without the reason to give a shit! DIRECTOR MCG Dude, what do you expect from me? I only have one name. And it lacks vowels. MEGATRON captures them along with a bunch of other people. SAM escapes and runs into MOON BLOODGOOD, whose name is MOON BLOODGOOD. MOON BLOODGOOD Who are you? And why is McG introducing a bunch of new characters nobody cares about? SAM WORTHINGTON I don't remember anything. Surely that's not alarming to someone who ought to be living in a constant state of paranoia. MOON BLOODGOOD I see. Well let's set up camp for the night. We can start a large fire to attract as many invincible murderous robots as possible. Tomorrow I'll take you to see Christian Bale. SAM WORTHINGTON He's not going to do that stupid Batman voice is he? MOON BLOODGOOD Hilariously enough, he is!
MOON and SAM make their way to the SUPER SECRET RESISTANCE HIDEOUT, SOLD SEPARATELY. CHRISTIAN BALE Sam Worthington is a machine! Strap him up, no ultra-powerful cyborg can possibly break out of a couple chains. SAM WORTHINGTON I'm a cyborg? How shocking to absolutely nobody since the trailer showed it! CHRISTIAN BALE You're a different kind of model, I've never seem a Terminator with human organs before. SAM WORTHINGTON Skin is an organ, numbnuts. CHRISTIAN BALE ...you and me are done professionally, man. CHRISTIAN sulks around other parts of the base and listens to the tapes his MOTHER made for him, which have been needlessly rerecorded with slightly different lines. MOON BLOODGOOD I think you should let Sam go. When he and I were alone, he decided not to rape me, and "doesn't rape people" is pretty much the only moral barometer in action movies.
CHRISTIAN BALE No. How am I supposed to become the leader of the human resistance if I go around listening to people with more information than me? MOON decides to free SAM. There is a dark but extremely loud chase sequence and eventually CHRISTIAN confronts SAM. SAM WORTHINGTON Listen, I need to go rescue Anton Yelchin, he has to be on the Star Trek set in half an hour. CHRISTIAN BALE He eventually grows up to become my father! I will allow you to attempt to rescue him so he can have sexual intercourse with my mother. SAM goes to the MACHINE CITY where he is captured by machines. CHRISTIAN BALE says goodbye to his wife, BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD. CHRISTIAN BALE Alright, let me just stick this flash drive into a killer motorcycle and take it over. It's a good thing the Terminators are backwards compatible with USB 2.0. BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD Please tell me that this isn't how the movie has decided to portray all of the "you re-programmed me" stuff from the other movies.
CHRISTIAN BALE Goodbye, wife who is not Claire Danes. I'm heading into the machine headquarters to rescue the guy who I later send back in time so that he can continue to be my father and I can continue to exist. Yeah, I just said that. Anyway, I'LL BE BACK. BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD Ugh, this whole movie isn't just going to be a series of winks and nods to the audience members that saw the other movies, is it? Because that's what Terminator 3 was, and it sucked big metal cyborg balls. CHRISTIAN BALE No, that was the last in-joke. The rest of the movie is painfully serious. BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD OK, good. CHRISTIAN BALE Just as soon as I listen to the same Guns N' Roses album that I listened to in the second movie, a copy of which somehow survived the nuclear holocaust. BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD At least it isn't Chinese Democracy. CHRISTIAN drives to MACHINE CITY. Meanwhile, SAM awakens in a room with a BIG MONITOR (very useful for machines) with HELENA BONHAM CARTER'S FACE on it. HELENA BONHAM CARTER Hello Sam. Thank you. You have lured Christian Bale here. Our plan all along was to release you, at which point you could earn his trust and tell him that his teenage father has been captured, causing him to attempt a rescue that we could anticipate and prevent! SAM WORTHINGTON Why not just kill his teenage father? HELENA BONHAM CARTER ... SAM WORTHINGTON Did you seriously not think of this? HELENA BONHAM CARTER FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU CHRISTIAN BALE arrives and is attacked by CGI ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, HOLY SHIT! ARNOLD throws CHRISTIAN around a lot rather than snapping his neck, just to be NICE. CHRISTIAN BALE Whoa, I'm getting my ass kicked by the first T-800. It's kind of too bad you had to be CGI, though. CGI ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Are you kidding? This is the most realistic performance of my career. CHRISTIAN BALE Well it's costing about a million dollars per frame, so let's move this along. CHRISTIAN BALE dumps a load of MOLTEN STEEL on ARNOLD and it melts his skin off, converting him back into a regular boring robot. CHRISTIAN BALE What the fuck? That was molten steel. That's the thing that kills you in Terminator 2.
CHRISTIAN escapes ARNOLD and finds ANTON. CHRISTIAN BALE Anton! It's very important you live. It's also very important you switch from briefs to boxers, you gotta keep that sperm count up. ANTON YELCHIN We need to destroy this factory, especially considering that it's not supposed to exist for like 10 more years. CHRISTIAN BALE We can detonate the power cells. Terminators are powered by explosive nuclear cells. ANTON YELCHIN Lemme make sure I have the rules straight. Things that can go back in time: metal endoskeletons, computer chips, liquid metal, robots with rocket launcher arms, small nuclear devices. Things that cannot: a gun, clothing. CHRISTIAN and ANTON detonate the nuclear cells and survive the ensuing nuclear explosion. EXT. BACK AT RESISTANCE HEADQUARTERS CHRISTIAN is severely injured from the encounter. BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD and SAM WORTHINGTON fret over him. CHRISTIAN BALE The T-800 ruptured my heart. The fact that I've survived longer than 0.2 seconds is astonishing. SAM WORTHINGTON I shall achieve true Terminator salvation. Bryce, give Christian my heart. BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD Yeah, I'm a veterinarian. Unless you're both kitty cats, this is a bad plan. BRYCE somehow saves CHRISTIAN but everyone probably dies a year later from being exposed to nuclear radiation nonstop for 10 years. Somehow MCG manages to make another sequel anyway. END
For more of our bitching and moaning about indestructible robots, check out 5 Reasons The Terminator Franchise Makes No Goddamn Sense and our mind-melting attempt to map out a sensible time line of the franchise. Or find more of Rod's scripts for Twilight, Juno and other movies on his author page. And go to our Top Picks where we'll teach you how to travel back in time to stop McG before it's too late. |
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This is pretty accurate. T3 and TSalvation sucked.
@jag345
Are your parents related?
T3 wasn't half bad. T4 kind of sucked. Sure big booms and fire are cool for a little while, but that is about it.
"Yeah, I'm a veterinarian. Unless you're both kitty cats, this is a bad plan"
lol
too right mate.......
The new Kate Connor, Bryce Howard in a movie taking place 20(?) years in the future is 2 years younger than the last one Claire Danes
At least it wasn't Chinese democracy.
YEEEEAAHHHHHH!!
Great article. Besides why do they send a terminator to physically chase jon connor. I mean its a robot factory run by robots that make up the factory itself, and there is only one terminator chasing them, with a human costume so it can blend in with humans in 1984.
What? Nothing about the annoying kid that none of the other movies with killer robots needed?
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logoCDI actually enjoyed the movie. It was f*****g stupid at parts (most of them), but it had big robots and explosions and I really didn't see it for anything else, nor did I expect anything else.
AMANDA??? RAWR??? WHERE GOEST THOU??
funny mostly, but iv just got in from watching the film like a few hours ago n its still fresh in my mind and it really annoyed me how some of this article was bull. The crippled terminator was killed by bullets from an aircraft mounted heavy machine gun, not rally plain old regular bullets. also it wasnt the same model of terminator from the old film that bullets didnt kill (according to the plot.) Also dude, did you see the chains? They were like off a crane, and where did you get the usb 2.0 thing from? he used like a red round thing to jack into the motorbike did you just make that up? And it didnt rupture his heart, the vet lady only said that his heart is failing, no one said anything about it being ruptured! you're like clutching at straws. Lame. Also leave arnie the hell alone he's an action star, he kills people and blows stuff up, when's the last time you saw steven seagal or jean claude van damme act convincingly? THEY DONT NEED TOO, THEY'RE ACTION HEROES! douche.
Very spot on. Painfully so. I was distracted enough by pretty for a while to ignore the bad but pretty can only carry a movie for so long :o
Awesome article, I could not have done it better myself.
Considering T2 was just a bunch of s**t rehashed from the first movie but with BIGGER EXPLOSIONS and LIQUID METAL and RETARDED CATCH PHRASES Salvation is goddamn Shakespeare by comparison.
FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Stop destroying my childhood, Hollywood.
"This was really funny, but don't let it sway your opinion. The movie was actually really good. Is it gonna win an oscar? Of course not. Was it an action thrill ride all the way? Absolutely! (Oh, and sorry, but I also liked T3.)"
Yeah, you completely lost credibility after that last sentence.
/shrug.
Well-articulated and witty. But ffs.
Seems to me somewhere back in 2005 everyone stopped considering new bullshit as readily acceptable as the old bullshit(say, prior to 2004).
It's like this: Terminator and Terminator 2 were both cheese. Loads of fun to watch, didn't contradict themselves *too* overtly, but... cheese. For every plot error in this article there is a counter for, in each of the previous Terminators as far as proportionate amounts of bullshit goes. If *anything* the difference these days would be chemistry between the actors in current fiction niche franchises. I cite Star Wars, Indiana Jones, anything having to do with Predator or Alien(s)... the list goes on and on. Well at least for 3 more franchises, but I digress. The point is, clearly Connor got extra points at character creation and some crazy template whereupon he will *never* die when it comes down to making a savings throw vs. fatality of any variety. They stopped trying with plot and just fill in the gaps with CGI and what amounts to ever-more-futuristic scenes of the Fonz jumping ever-more-complex varieties of laser sharks.
Movies aren't so much about where characters/events are going anymore, rather how they're going to get there. Hell, the trailers pretty much tell you what the climax of the story is going to be. You only pay the theater to see how it plays out.
/shrug
Or not.
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If Skynet reanimated SAM for the purpose of hatching this elaborate plot to lure John Connor to robot city, by having SAM locate and befriend Kyle Reese, then they...knew...all along...where to find...(and kill) Kyle Reese, right?