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If Juno Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest

By Rod Hilton April 19, 2008 404,024 views
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On Saturdays, we ask some of our favorite sites on the web to fill in for
us. You get to learn about an awesome site you may not have heard
of, and we get to watch cartoons in our boxers. Today we're bringing
you an abridged version of the screenplay for Oscar winner Juno, as
provided by Rod Hilton, creator of The-Editing-Room.com.



FADE IN:

EXT. SOME SMALL TOWN

ELLEN PAGE guzzles SUNNY D as some obnoxious INDIE SONG
blares in the background so that everyone knows that this is
an intellectual, independent film.

She enters a convenience store and meets RAINN WILSON.

ELLEN PAGE

I need to use the bathroom, as I've been downing delicious, high-quality Sunny Delight for the past hour.

RAINN WILSON

Sunny Delight? You mean the delicious orange-flavored drink containing a full day's supply of vitamin C in every serving?

ELLEN PAGE

That's right! I found it in the fridge, behind the purple stuff! Now relinquish the bathroom key geeves, I for shizz need to spout.

RAINN WILSON

I can barely understand you. Is there a reason you're talking like what seems like a teenager designed by a committee of adults that have researched youth by watching MTV around the clock?

ELLEN PAGE

Yes, and you better start talking like that too or you'll have no place in the movie, Dwight.

RAINN WILSON

Oh, er, uh, I mean that's one doodle that can't be undid homeskillet oh my god I need a new agent.

ELLEN PAGE

You're so quirky! And so am I!

ELLEN pisses on a pregnancy test and it tells her that she's PREGNANT as well as PRECOCIOUS.

ELLEN PAGE

This sucks. The only thing left to do is walk home morosely while yet another obnoxious indie song blares.

ELLEN walks home, then calls her friend OLIVIA THIRLBY.

ELLEN PAGE

Hey Olivia. So I'm pregs for real.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

OhMyGodLikeForRealForRealPregs?

ELLEN PAGE

Holy crap, what the hell are you saying? Did someone encrypt your copy of the script or something?

OLIVIA THIRLBY

YouShouldTotallyGetAnAToTheBortion.

ELLEN PAGE

Yeah. First I need you to help me salvage the chair I lost my virginity in, which is on a lawn for some reason that is almost definitely quirky.

They take the chair, then ELLEN sets up an entire living room
set in front of MICHAEL CERA'S HOME.

MICHAEL CERA

Ellen, hey. I like the couch on my front sidewalk, it's incredibly quirky of you.

ELLEN PAGE

Yeah, well I'm pretty quirky.



MICHAEL CERA

So what are you doing here? Do you need someth-

ELLEN PAGE

Wait, hold on. Your track team is about to come running by and I need to do a voiceover narration for no particularly reason, even though I only do it like three more times in the entire movie.

ELLEN PAGE (V.O.)

Whenever I see the track team, I can't help but picture their penises, because doing so allows me to explain that fact in a voiceover narration that I can end with the very hip term "pork swords."

ELLEN PAGE

Alright, sorry about that. What were we talking about? Oh right, I'm pregnant and it's yours.

MICHAEL CERA

Rather than freak the hell out like a typical high school student, I'm going to sputter around for words awkwardly and barely finish complete sentences. It's kind of my thing.

ELLEN calls an ABORTION CLINIC to make an appointment.

CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)

Crimson River Abortion Clinic, how may I help you?

ELLEN PAGE

Hi. I'd like to make an appointment for an abortion. Oh wait hang on my Hamburger Phone is acting up.

(shakes phone)

Alright, there we go.

CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)

Alright, well just come in any time and we can tak-

ELLEN PAGE

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think you heard me. I'm talking on a HAMBURGER PHONE. How zany is that? That's for shizz quirky.



ELLEN goes to the CLINIC and signs in. Another INDIE SONG
blares over the scene to make sure you remember that you are
supporting INDEPENDENT CINEMA by watching this movie.

CLINIC RECEPTIONIST

Please sign in here. Do you want a free condom? They make my boyfriend's penis taste like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

ELLEN PAGE

Wow, what a completely quirky and inappropriate thing to say to a complete stranger!

CLINIC RECEPTIONIST

I know, right!?

ELLEN suddenly runs out of the CLINIC and visits her friend
OLIVIA.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

WhatAreYouDoingOhMiGod?

ELLEN PAGE

I decided I want to keep the baby so that I can star in a wholly overrated independent film about a teenager giving her baby to a childless couple.

ELLEN sits down to talk to her father and stepmother.

ELLEN PAGE

So, I'm pregnant.

J.K. SIMMONS

WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING 16 WHAT THE FU-

ELLEN PAGE

Dad, you're in an indie flick, remember?

J.K. SIMMONS

Oh right. Sorry, I didn't mean to blow up, I meant to make a dry, sarcastic remark.

ALLISON JANNEY

And I'd like to follow that up with a second barb.

ELLEN PAGE

It's Michael Cera's. The kid from Arrested Development.

J.K. SIMMONS

Huh. I didn't think he had it in him.

ELLEN PAGE

What, sperm?

ELLEN goes ahead with her pregnancy and the movie SAVED plays
out with fewer jokes and more pretentiousness.

ELLEN finds a couple to adopt her kid: JASON BATEMAN and
JENNIFER GARNER. ELLEN goes to meet them.

JENNIFER GARNER

We're so happy you'd consider us despite the fact that I starred in Elektra.

JASON BATEMAN

So who is the father of the little bastard?

ELLEN PAGE

Oh, just this awkward, typecast kid at school named Michael Cera.

JASON BATEMAN

No shit? He played my son on Arrested Development. I look forward to the scene in this movie that reunites us for the first time since the show was canceled, which is sure to be a real pleasure for fans.

That scene NEVER HAPPENS. ELLEN agrees to give her kid to
JENNIFER and JASON.

TIME PASSES and MORE INDIE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS. ELLEN
goes through the various scenes that movies about pregnant
people are obligated to include.

She visits JASON BATEMAN.

JASON BATEMAN

Hey Ellen. Want to watch some indie horror films and listen to some indie music together?

ELLEN PAGE

That sounds great! I sure hope that watching the movie isn't interrupted by me having to go puke my guts out, sweaty and hunched over the toilet.

(pause)

Just kidding, none of that crap happens in the movie. Pregnancy is easy-peasy.

JASON BATEMAN

Well, I have good news. I'm leaving Jennifer Garner.

ELLEN PAGE

Why, because your marriage to her has robbed you of your youth, which you have been reminded of since you started hanging around with me?

JASON BATEMAN

No, I just rented 13 Going On 30. I can't even look at her now. Has she been in anything good?

ELLEN PAGE

Oh. Because if it was the other thing, then you could take notice of the fact that I remind you of your younger days despite the fact that my current predicament requires a level of maturity far beyond my years, and you could enjoy the contrast between our situations that is ironically illustrated by having us both get along so well.

JASON BATEMAN

How artistic!

ELLEN PAGE

You're goddamn right it is! Bring on the Oscars!

LIVEJOURNAL: THE MOVIE continues. JASON abandons JENNIFER
GARNER. ELLEN page gives birth while some more INDIE
MUSIC plays.

JENNIFER GARNER

Yay, now I get to raise an adopted kid in a broken home so that I can be overly protective and insane.

ELLEN PAGE

And I passed all of my classes and everything! Pregnancy is as unobtrusive as it is without consequence!

MICHAEL CERA

So now that you popped the kid out, I think we're in love with each other. What should we do to express our love? Make out? Have sex again? Go buy seasons one through three of Arrested Development?

ELLEN PAGE

Have you been watching a different movie? We should play yet more indie music together.



They DO. EVERYONE convinces themselves they loved the movie
so that they don't feel STUPID.

END

For more scripts that are funnier and less-time consuming than watching a movie,
head to The-Editing-Room.com.



I am not extremely familiar with indie music, but is it supposed to be an artistic outlet for bad singers? From my first impression, half of it is about weird lyrics which is OK, if they could actually carry a tune. The other half is crappy interpretations of hits. Am I in the ballpark?
PS. Jennifer Garner and acting are contradicting terms.

10/10/2009 12:16:03 PM
philroco

This article expressed my thoughts exactly. After I heard the indie music, I knew exactly what Juno's character would be like- all of her lines, desperate quirkiness, etc. where so predictable. Of course Michael Cera is always the same character. I also hated how Juno tried to sarcastically pick apart the phrase, "sexually active". It's a perfectly logical term. It means you've been actively having sex. "What, am I ever going to be sexually inactive?" Yes, it's called menopause, and hopefully you weren't sexually active at 14. I read the reviews to this movie, and thought it was going to be hilarious. I groaned at how retardedly desperate the whole movie was.

6/8/2009 10:49:49 AM
MarginWalker

Sometimes I wonder why Michael Cera is so good at playing an awkward, incredibly unlikeable teenager, but nothing else whatsoever.

Wait, no I don't, it's because he's awkward and incredibly unlikeable.

6/5/2009 1:43:49 PM
Fishyman

i saw this movie with my girlfriend when it was in theaters
it was boring so i finger banged her instead
WIN

3/25/2009 4:49:02 PM
BenO

also i was trying to remark that if you're reviewing a movie (which perhaps wasn't the aim of this thing that he wrote) you shouldn't use it as a platform to vent about how much you dislike a style of music or dress, like 'indie.' BLEH! hate when people do that.

3/2/2009 3:13:23 PM
catastrophegf

sorry if my comments (frickin 4 months ago) were preachy or too long winded. i guess i just took this article too seriously, thinking he was seriously asserting that the movie sucked as a whole, whereas (as someone nicely pointed out to me via email) he was just poking fun at little things that may have come off as obnoxious/gimicky; and blowing them out of proportion for humor. if that is the case, i guess that's ok. thanks to the people that sent me nice emails, agreeing or disagreeing with me. i appreciate a mature debate that doesn't involve lame name-calling! really appreciate it! i love discussing movies :)

3/2/2009 3:05:31 PM
catastrophegf

Brilliant, and while I completely agree with said sentiments, the movie kind of comes off like a cracked.com article (complete with penis joke, pork swords, the funniest thing uttered in the entire movie.)

1/23/2009 7:18:47 PM
Atlatl

The article was funny.
But it's a fine movie. The people are pretty, the subject isn't one of those overdone predictable pieces of tripe that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, and so it's bound to get hatred from the the fans of Bring It On or other really incredibly stupid high school movies. Plus Ellen Juno makes a noose out of candy.

1/20/2009 8:07:42 AM
greeen

This movie is should be called "juno and the case of the failed male." seriously michael cera is a f*****g p***y in this movie.

11/29/2008 9:10:27 PM
asskicker

For years society condemned teenage pregnancy; and now they're exploiting it. The movie would have been better this way for sure.

11/27/2008 12:53:17 AM
RacerE7773

I tried to watch this movie and couldn't even get through the first half hour.

What a boring piece of s**t




Oh yeah, the music was almost as boring as the movie itself, too

11/19/2008 3:52:22 PM
The_Prowler

i like that movie and the music was awesome

11/17/2008 8:58:02 PM
cousi666

i'm the furthest thing from an "indie kid." i'm just somebody that noticed the transparent desperation of this article. i'm not saying one needs to share my opinion i'm saying that if you're going to say a movie is awful at least provide some legitimate f*****g criticisms.

oh, you don't like the soundtrack? get over it, why don't you criticize the more important elements of the movie?

you have some bizarre beef with "indie" kids or that general theme you seem to get in the movie? well go vent about that somewhere else. no one gives a crap about whether you like the indie trend or not. Criticize the MOVIE.

oh and about the pseudo intellectual thing, i don't even want to argue about that, let me just point out that there's no greater selfish arrogance than in the a*****e who feels he so entitled to pass judgment on some stranger and have his opinion be respected. you don't know anything about me so don't go summing up my entire personhood into some snide remark about "indie" and whatever else. lastly, it's f*****g lame of you to categorize a ton of people who fit the "indie" description and decide they're all the same. why not be racist? it's the same general idea. i can't believe i'm even having this argument, but i'm not indie but frankly i don't get what the big freakin deal is if somebody IS. i feel the people who have a panic attack at the sight or thought of an "indie kid" are usually overweight almost-30-year-olds leading mediocre lives. it's like criticizing gays. why does it even concern you if someone choose to dress a certain way or claim themselves as fans of certain music? i know your personal world is being attacked when someone decides to dress like seth cohen and listen to clouddead but geeze, calm down.

11/4/2008 9:58:13 AM
catastrophegf

Is it just me, or are ALL indie kids/pseudo intellectuals the most f*****g butthurt people on the planet?

This article was funny as f**k, quit bawwwing.

10/11/2008 2:40:45 AM
viviie

This article really disappointed me. I don't know where one would get the idea that teenagers talk that way (i'm a junior in college) or that ANYONE on mtv speaks the way Ellen Paige does. I know it's already been said but I want to reiterate it in case the author didn't see the other comment. As for the comment that the acting (aside form Ellen Paige's) "leaves something to be desired," that isn't true at all! J.K. Simmons was convincing and charming as always and Allison Janney did a very good job as well. I can understand someone bitching about Michael Cera's performance, but the majority of the cast did notably well. The scene at the end where Jennifer Garner cradles Juno's baby in the nursery always makes me teary-eyed. So much of Juno is what good movies are all about! My boyfriends a huge movie buff whose favorites include Closer, Mysterious Skin, Being John Malkovich, There Will Be Blood etc., and he LOVED Juno. What I'm saying is I trust his opinion and we don't always agree but for Juno our opinions matched.

I'm in addition SO sick and tired of people complaining that this movie was unrealistic and was somehow endorsing teenage pregnancy. Are you f***ing kidding?! It does nothing but Demonstrate how a pregnancy is incredibly burdensome and loaded with consequences. If you aren't paying attention for the last hour of the movie, I'd understand how you'd think otherwise..

I can't help but notice how the criticisms from those who just want to be able to say they hated something that so many love (*cough* arrogant pricks) are what they're calling the movie: glib.

10/3/2008 8:57:16 AM
catastrophegf

clearly i can see you are an 'indie' fan, as my colleagues have already said. HARDLY ANY OF IT IS INDIE. and for your information. juno (ellen page) is HOT! .. aka .. i would!
also. it is hilarious.
actors = legends.
plot = legend.
film = legend.
wat more can i say?
AMIE AGREES! so it must be good. (and also murphy like it a bit too!)
xx

9/9/2008 2:18:42 PM
Graham_Amie

Actually, Jetstream91, Streetlight is technically an independent band that happens to play ska (and one of the best there ever was). RBF, though, is definitely not indie at all. Ska, but entirely too mainstream.

7/24/2008 3:22:58 PM
listerfiend

I have to say, I definitely got some laughs out of this. I did not care for Juno and before you spew out your half-baked arguments 1. Yes. I did actually see the movie. 2. Yes, I did understand it. 3. No, I don't just dislike it because I don't like anything original. 4. I do listen to some indie music, but a lot of the bands included in this movie give indie music a bad name. 5. Do you want to know why I didn't like this movie?
-->The dialogue was stupid and tried much too hard to appear clever and only came off as ostentatious
-->Juno herself drove me crazy.
-->Although Ellen Page did a good job portraying her character, all the other acting in the movie had something to be desired.
-->"Thundercats are go". Need I say more?
-->Honest to blog? WTF?
-->Apparently teen pregnancy really has no consequences and it's easy to give up a child. Yeah, no. It's called psychological research, Diablo.

7/24/2008 6:09:26 AM
thebookishtype

Stanfonz, as much as I agree with you, I just have to point out that 'Reel Big Fish' and 'Streetlight Manifesto' are ska, not indie. Just because they're not mainstream doesn't mean they're indie.

7/23/2008 12:28:56 PM
jetstream91

aedarin, you are probably the most retarded person I've ever seen. Indie music/film has absolutely no relation to lack of talent; the reason why it's indie is because it doesn't fit in with narrowminded bastards (like you) sense of taste. In fact, all of it is probably takes more talent than the mainstream music of today. Here's a list of indie bands that will prove you f*****g wrong.
Iron & Wine
Mogwai
Pelican
Explosions in the Sky
Bela Fleck and the Flecktones
John Butler Trio
Reel Big Fish
Streetlight Manifesto
And as for "everyone with good taste" hating indie music, tell that to the millions of Radiohead fans. So just because you lack the musical depth to listen to anything beyond the Top 10 singles (which, for the most part, require no talent) doesn't mean that all indie bands are talentless.

7/20/2008 7:51:40 PM
stanfonz
Cracked stuff on