If Juno Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest
On Saturdays, we ask some of our favorite sites on the web to fill in for
us. You get to learn about an awesome site you may not have heard
of, and we get to watch cartoons in our boxers. Today we're bringing
you an abridged version of the screenplay for Oscar winner Juno, as
provided by Rod Hilton, creator of The-Editing-Room.com.
FADE IN:
EXT. SOME SMALL TOWN
ELLEN PAGE guzzles SUNNY D as some obnoxious INDIE SONG
blares in the background so that everyone knows that this is
an intellectual, independent film.
She enters a convenience store and meets RAINN WILSON.
ELLEN PAGE
I need to use the bathroom, as I've been downing delicious, high-quality Sunny Delight for the past hour.
RAINN WILSON
Sunny Delight? You mean the delicious orange-flavored drink containing a full day's supply of vitamin C in every serving?
ELLEN PAGE
That's right! I found it in the fridge, behind the purple stuff! Now relinquish the bathroom key geeves, I for shizz need to spout.
RAINN WILSON
I can barely understand you. Is there a reason you're talking like what seems like a teenager designed by a committee of adults that have researched youth by watching MTV around the clock?
ELLEN PAGE
Yes, and you better start talking like that too or you'll have no place in the movie, Dwight.
RAINN WILSON
Oh, er, uh, I mean that's one doodle that can't be undid homeskillet oh my god I need a new agent.
ELLEN PAGE
You're so quirky! And so am I!
ELLEN pisses on a pregnancy test and it tells her that she's PREGNANT as well as PRECOCIOUS.
ELLEN PAGE
This sucks. The only thing left to do is walk home morosely while yet another obnoxious indie song blares.
ELLEN walks home, then calls her friend OLIVIA THIRLBY.
ELLEN PAGE
Hey Olivia. So I'm pregs for real.
OLIVIA THIRLBY
OhMyGodLikeForRealForRealPregs?
ELLEN PAGE
Holy crap, what the hell are you saying? Did someone encrypt your copy of the script or something?
OLIVIA THIRLBY
YouShouldTotallyGetAnAToTheBortion.
ELLEN PAGE
Yeah. First I need you to help me salvage the chair I lost my virginity in, which is on a lawn for some reason that is almost definitely quirky.
They take the chair, then ELLEN sets up an entire living room
set in front of MICHAEL CERA'S HOME.
MICHAEL CERA
Ellen, hey. I like the couch on my front sidewalk, it's incredibly quirky of you.
ELLEN PAGE
Yeah, well I'm pretty quirky.
MICHAEL CERA
So what are you doing here? Do you need someth-
ELLEN PAGE
Wait, hold on. Your track team is about to come running by and I need to do a voiceover narration for no particularly reason, even though I only do it like three more times in the entire movie.
ELLEN PAGE (V.O.)
Whenever I see the track team, I can't help but picture their penises, because doing so allows me to explain that fact in a voiceover narration that I can end with the very hip term "pork swords."
ELLEN PAGE
Alright, sorry about that. What were we talking about? Oh right, I'm pregnant and it's yours.
MICHAEL CERA
Rather than freak the hell out like a typical high school student, I'm going to sputter around for words awkwardly and barely finish complete sentences. It's kind of my thing.
ELLEN calls an ABORTION CLINIC to make an appointment.
CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
Crimson River Abortion Clinic, how may I help you?
ELLEN PAGE
Hi. I'd like to make an appointment for an abortion. Oh wait hang on my Hamburger Phone is acting up.
(shakes phone)
Alright, there we go.
CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
Alright, well just come in any time and we can tak-
ELLEN PAGE
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think you heard me. I'm talking on a HAMBURGER PHONE. How zany is that? That's for shizz quirky.
ELLEN goes to the CLINIC and signs in. Another INDIE SONG
blares over the scene to make sure you remember that you are
supporting INDEPENDENT CINEMA by watching this movie.
CLINIC RECEPTIONIST
Please sign in here. Do you want a free condom? They make my boyfriend's penis taste like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
ELLEN PAGE
Wow, what a completely quirky and inappropriate thing to say to a complete stranger!
CLINIC RECEPTIONIST
I know, right!?
ELLEN suddenly runs out of the CLINIC and visits her friend
OLIVIA.
OLIVIA THIRLBY
WhatAreYouDoingOhMiGod?
ELLEN PAGE
I decided I want to keep the baby so that I can star in a wholly overrated independent film about a teenager giving her baby to a childless couple.
ELLEN sits down to talk to her father and stepmother.
ELLEN PAGE
So, I'm pregnant.
J.K. SIMMONS
WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING 16 WHAT THE FU-
ELLEN PAGE
Dad, you're in an indie flick, remember?
J.K. SIMMONS
Oh right. Sorry, I didn't mean to blow up, I meant to make a dry, sarcastic remark.
ALLISON JANNEY
And I'd like to follow that up with a second barb.
ELLEN PAGE
It's Michael Cera's. The kid from Arrested Development.
J.K. SIMMONS
Huh. I didn't think he had it in him.
ELLEN PAGE
What, sperm?
ELLEN goes ahead with her pregnancy and the movie SAVED plays
out with fewer jokes and more pretentiousness.
ELLEN finds a couple to adopt her kid: JASON BATEMAN and
JENNIFER GARNER. ELLEN goes to meet them.
JENNIFER GARNER
We're so happy you'd consider us despite the fact that I starred in Elektra.
JASON BATEMAN
So who is the father of the little bastard?
ELLEN PAGE
Oh, just this awkward, typecast kid at school named Michael Cera.
JASON BATEMAN
No shit? He played my son on Arrested Development. I look forward to the scene in this movie that reunites us for the first time since the show was canceled, which is sure to be a real pleasure for fans.
That scene NEVER HAPPENS. ELLEN agrees to give her kid to
JENNIFER and JASON.
TIME PASSES and MORE INDIE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS. ELLEN
goes through the various scenes that movies about pregnant
people are obligated to include.
She visits JASON BATEMAN.
JASON BATEMAN
Hey Ellen. Want to watch some indie horror films and listen to some indie music together?
ELLEN PAGE
That sounds great! I sure hope that watching the movie isn't interrupted by me having to go puke my guts out, sweaty and hunched over the toilet.
(pause)
Just kidding, none of that crap happens in the movie. Pregnancy is easy-peasy.
JASON BATEMAN
Well, I have good news. I'm leaving Jennifer Garner.
ELLEN PAGE
Why, because your marriage to her has robbed you of your youth, which you have been reminded of since you started hanging around with me?
JASON BATEMAN
No, I just rented 13 Going On 30. I can't even look at her now. Has she been in anything good?
ELLEN PAGE
Oh. Because if it was the other thing, then you could take notice of the fact that I remind you of your younger days despite the fact that my current predicament requires a level of maturity far beyond my years, and you could enjoy the contrast between our situations that is ironically illustrated by having us both get along so well.
JASON BATEMAN
How artistic!
ELLEN PAGE
You're goddamn right it is! Bring on the Oscars!
LIVEJOURNAL: THE MOVIE continues. JASON abandons JENNIFER
GARNER. ELLEN page gives birth while some more INDIE
MUSIC plays.
JENNIFER GARNER
Yay, now I get to raise an adopted kid in a broken home so that I can be overly protective and insane.
ELLEN PAGE
And I passed all of my classes and everything! Pregnancy is as unobtrusive as it is without consequence!
MICHAEL CERA
So now that you popped the kid out, I think we're in love with each other. What should we do to express our love? Make out? Have sex again? Go buy seasons one through three of Arrested Development?
ELLEN PAGE
Have you been watching a different movie? We should play yet more indie music together.
They DO. EVERYONE convinces themselves they loved the movie
so that they don't feel STUPID.
END
For more scripts that are funnier and less-time consuming than watching a movie,
head to The-Editing-Room.com.
It's embarrassing Diablo Cody won anything for this. It has the worse dialogue I've ever heard - absolutely unrealistic - and seems intent on not letting you get absorbed into the story but smacking you in the face with the quirkiness and soundtrack. I didn't even finish it. The ONLY good thing to come out of this was Ellen Page. She got much better, Michael Cera did not.
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ReplyAs a movie, I don't think Juno is so bad. Not exactly something I would watch again and again, but it’s a boredom fighter.
Though it does start to fall apart the moment I start really paying attention to details or it starts trying to say something.
I have two big problems with the film.
The first being that it seemed to me that the reason she decided not to get an abortion was that it wasn’t quirky. As if she was sitting in the clinic and realized how sterile and normal it was, and just couldn't take it. Then when the girl outside told her that the fetus already had fingernails, it was quirky enough of a reason for her to keep it. Maybe I just missed something, but that’s just how I felt about it.
Then, like others, I also have a problem with their depiction of pregnancy. As if pregnancy itself is something that actually takes place on another planet, and Juno’s gut just gets bigger so people can estimate how far along she is.
Maybe it's because I have seen juno (and too many times)... but I couldn't finish reading this one. I just couldn't...
ReplyI'm glad to see I'm not the only one who didn't like the movie, but you left out the main reason I disliked it. The total ignorance of what actual pregnancy is like! All she really did was make witty comments about it and mention how gross it was a few times. I guess if pregnancy and how bad it can suck had been portrayed honestly they would have alienated the male viewers and lost their "quirky upbeat indie film" vibe -_-
Replyi hated juno. basically it was about a s**t who speaks quirky and a bunch of guys in daisy dukes running all over the place with their wongs sticking out. i bought this dvd for 7 bucks, since everyone was raving about how great it was, saw it, and immediately tossed it. it was just....weird.
ReplyThank God someone else noticed that this movie was terrible.
ReplyCounter-counter-culturism. How quirky.
ReplyWay longer than twilight.
ReplyThe "Saved" reference was spot on! Ellen Page ruined this movie for me. I just wanted to pull her GD two stray hairs parading around as bangs out of her GD face the whole time! And punch her in the twat.
ReplyI like you.
i love your humer.
Some days I wish there was a God, if only so he could give Ellen Page and Diablo Cody bone cancer. But there isn't, and I'll take this article for the small comfort it gives to those who hate the f**k out of Juno.
ReplyAbsolutely spot on LOOK AT JUNO SHES SOOOOOOO QUUUIRKKKY DERPA DERPY DOOOOOP.
ReplyDespite all the hipster-ness, I liked Juno.
ReplyStill a hilarious article, though! (BTW it wasn't Juno her lost her virginity i that chair, it was the baby's father - I forget his name.)
No, she totally did, hence the underwear with cherries on it.
I loved this movie but everything in the article is pretty much true. lol. But I like quirky! Even if it's forced to a point in the movie.
ReplyYou when someone manages to articulate exactly what you're thinking but unable to phrase in a funny and concise way? This article.
ReplyThat was not funny at all.
ReplyYou're not funny, laundrymonster! You're not funny!
This is not a Juno defense, thing. I just think your article was completely un-funny.
Reply[/i] Did that work?
ReplyI love the film, but this was still hilarious.
ReplyI liked the music. Kimya Dawson is awesome!
Replywasn't a huge fan of the movie, but did like it. that said, you f*****g nailed it. totally saved me the time of ever having to watch it again.
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