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If Juno Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest
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FADE IN: EXT. SOME SMALL TOWN ELLEN PAGE guzzles SUNNY D as some obnoxious INDIE SONG She enters a convenience store and meets RAINN WILSON. ELLEN PAGE I need to use the bathroom, as I've been downing delicious, high-quality Sunny Delight for the past hour. RAINN WILSON Sunny Delight? You mean the delicious orange-flavored drink containing a full day's supply of vitamin C in every serving? ELLEN PAGE That's right! I found it in the fridge, behind the purple stuff! Now relinquish the bathroom key geeves, I for shizz need to spout. RAINN WILSON I can barely understand you. Is there a reason you're talking like what seems like a teenager designed by a committee of adults that have researched youth by watching MTV around the clock? ELLEN PAGE Yes, and you better start talking like that too or you'll have no place in the movie, Dwight. RAINN WILSON Oh, er, uh, I mean that's one doodle that can't be undid homeskillet oh my god I need a new agent. ELLEN PAGE You're so quirky! And so am I! ELLEN pisses on a pregnancy test and it tells her that she's PREGNANT as well as PRECOCIOUS. ELLEN PAGE This sucks. The only thing left to do is walk home morosely while yet another obnoxious indie song blares. ELLEN walks home, then calls her friend OLIVIA THIRLBY. ELLEN PAGE Hey Olivia. So I'm pregs for real. OLIVIA THIRLBY OhMyGodLikeForRealForRealPregs? ELLEN PAGE Holy crap, what the hell are you saying? Did someone encrypt your copy of the script or something? OLIVIA THIRLBY YouShouldTotallyGetAnAToTheBortion. ELLEN PAGE Yeah. First I need you to help me salvage the chair I lost my virginity in, which is on a lawn for some reason that is almost definitely quirky. They take the chair, then ELLEN sets up an entire living room MICHAEL CERA Ellen, hey. I like the couch on my front sidewalk, it's incredibly quirky of you. ELLEN PAGE Yeah, well I'm pretty quirky.
MICHAEL CERA So what are you doing here? Do you need someth- ELLEN PAGE Wait, hold on. Your track team is about to come running by and I need to do a voiceover narration for no particularly reason, even though I only do it like three more times in the entire movie. ELLEN PAGE (V.O.) Whenever I see the track team, I can't help but picture their penises, because doing so allows me to explain that fact in a voiceover narration that I can end with the very hip term "pork swords." ELLEN PAGE Alright, sorry about that. What were we talking about? Oh right, I'm pregnant and it's yours. MICHAEL CERA Rather than freak the hell out like a typical high school student, I'm going to sputter around for words awkwardly and barely finish complete sentences. It's kind of my thing. ELLEN calls an ABORTION CLINIC to make an appointment. CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) Crimson River Abortion Clinic, how may I help you? ELLEN PAGE Hi. I'd like to make an appointment for an abortion. Oh wait hang on my Hamburger Phone is acting up. (shakes phone) Alright, there we go. CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) Alright, well just come in any time and we can tak- ELLEN PAGE Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think you heard me. I'm talking on a HAMBURGER PHONE. How zany is that? That's for shizz quirky.
ELLEN goes to the CLINIC and signs in. Another INDIE SONG CLINIC RECEPTIONIST Please sign in here. Do you want a free condom? They make my boyfriend's penis taste like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. ELLEN PAGE Wow, what a completely quirky and inappropriate thing to say to a complete stranger! CLINIC RECEPTIONIST I know, right!? ELLEN suddenly runs out of the CLINIC and visits her friend OLIVIA THIRLBY WhatAreYouDoingOhMiGod? ELLEN PAGE I decided I want to keep the baby so that I can star in a wholly overrated independent film about a teenager giving her baby to a childless couple. ELLEN sits down to talk to her father and stepmother. ELLEN PAGE So, I'm pregnant. J.K. SIMMONS WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING 16 WHAT THE FU- ELLEN PAGE Dad, you're in an indie flick, remember? J.K. SIMMONS Oh right. Sorry, I didn't mean to blow up, I meant to make a dry, sarcastic remark. ALLISON JANNEY And I'd like to follow that up with a second barb. ELLEN PAGE It's Michael Cera's. The kid from Arrested Development. J.K. SIMMONS Huh. I didn't think he had it in him. ELLEN PAGE What, sperm? ELLEN goes ahead with her pregnancy and the movie SAVED plays ELLEN finds a couple to adopt her kid: JASON BATEMAN and JENNIFER GARNER We're so happy you'd consider us despite the fact that I starred in Elektra. JASON BATEMAN So who is the father of the little bastard? ELLEN PAGE Oh, just this awkward, typecast kid at school named Michael Cera. JASON BATEMAN No shit? He played my son on Arrested Development. I look forward to the scene in this movie that reunites us for the first time since the show was canceled, which is sure to be a real pleasure for fans. That scene NEVER HAPPENS. ELLEN agrees to give her kid to TIME PASSES and MORE INDIE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS. ELLEN She visits JASON BATEMAN. JASON BATEMAN Hey Ellen. Want to watch some indie horror films and listen to some indie music together? ELLEN PAGE That sounds great! I sure hope that watching the movie isn't interrupted by me having to go puke my guts out, sweaty and hunched over the toilet. (pause) Just kidding, none of that crap happens in the movie. Pregnancy is easy-peasy. JASON BATEMAN Well, I have good news. I'm leaving Jennifer Garner. ELLEN PAGE Why, because your marriage to her has robbed you of your youth, which you have been reminded of since you started hanging around with me? JASON BATEMAN No, I just rented 13 Going On 30. I can't even look at her now. Has she been in anything good? ELLEN PAGE Oh. Because if it was the other thing, then you could take notice of the fact that I remind you of your younger days despite the fact that my current predicament requires a level of maturity far beyond my years, and you could enjoy the contrast between our situations that is ironically illustrated by having us both get along so well. JASON BATEMAN How artistic! ELLEN PAGE You're goddamn right it is! Bring on the Oscars! LIVEJOURNAL: THE MOVIE continues. JASON abandons JENNIFER JENNIFER GARNER Yay, now I get to raise an adopted kid in a broken home so that I can be overly protective and insane. ELLEN PAGE And I passed all of my classes and everything! Pregnancy is as unobtrusive as it is without consequence! MICHAEL CERA So now that you popped the kid out, I think we're in love with each other. What should we do to express our love? Make out? Have sex again? Go buy seasons one through three of Arrested Development? ELLEN PAGE Have you been watching a different movie? We should play yet more indie music together.
They DO. EVERYONE convinces themselves they loved the movie END
For more scripts that are funnier and less-time consuming than watching a movie,
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155 Comments
God, that movie is about as funny as anything spit out by Disney nowadays.
SHE IS SO HOT... she even uploaded her sexy videos on a celebrity and millionaire dating site named “LovingRich.com"...does she want to hook up with hot guys.
Also, is it just me or wouldn't the "What, Sperm?" line be perfect in the movie itself?
If you can look past the pretentious, pseudo-intellectual aspects of this movie, it's fabulous and funny. I thought this article was amusing, but it could certainly be said that only pseudo-intellectuals would even bother to hold this movie in disdain because it follows a formula. That is in the same ballpark as only listening to obscure music to preserve your status as a unique individual.
You know what? I think this is halirious. Even though I loved this movie, I sat in the theater, squirming, everytime something self-indulgent was said... which, obviously, happens throughout the entire damn thing. "Oh my god, is that a Les Paul" (anyone who knows what a les paul is knows instantly when they see one, and knows they wouldn't have to say it to the owner of said instrument. That's almost as annoying as people, after seeing a dog, barking and wagging its tail in your apartment saying "Oh my god, you have a dog?"), the hamburger phone, gorefest movies (and the subsequent 'Ku-dos!'), sonic youth COVERING the carpenters?!?!. A lot of this movie annoyed me worse than kids I went to high school with (circa 2002-2005) who had long Robert Plant hair and wore Queen t-shirts. But also, that's kinda what the movie endearing to me, and I kinda just accepted the pretentiousness as the 'not smart enough to be a nerd, but defintely smart/'indie' enough to be a dick' type of kid. I sorta resembled that kid, too. I remember specifically seeking out music I knew no one I knew had heard of... just so I could say I listened to music none of them heard of. Sad, but true. The movie itself just seemed like an amalgamation of quote-unquote quirky events or sayings that the screenwriter heaped together in an almost sardonic 'Fuck You, Hollywood and your indie-washing of movies' sort of way to create the quirkiest, indiest movie she could. Either that, or she turned 30, and in her '90-and-later '30 is the new old' thinking, wanted to show she was still hip... failing by way of over-heapage.
Even though I loved Juno, I think this article is hilarious.
Napoleon Dynamite, Garden State, Juno....I think a lot of people have the word "precocious" mixed up with "pretentious". As in, "this is a pretentious load of crap."
well, i havnt seen it but i thought napolion dynamite wasnt funny at all and is stupidly overrated, all it qas was "uuhhh randomness lol" and "duhh lets play with sai, that would be like, so quirky LOL" so if this film is anything like that then i wont see it. little miss sunshine is good though
Sounds like someone's jealous and bitter that they never sold a screenplay.
It's the Degenerate Movie Industry. http://anonrecordings.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/docs/12308.19195721.mp3
god blehss you Rod Hilton. what sort of crack-based enema did they give to people when they saw this movie? bc i'd just like to say, i feel short-changed. literally. thank you for ripping the Contrivance Band-Aid of that piece of shit.
great article...even better movie. bravo good sir.... bravo
ellen page is also a fan of the artist "duchamp". that was pre-indie, but equally pretentious. if you want to see her in something good, go rent "hard candy."
Nice try, but the article just sucked hard. And ya, I did loved the movie, and no, i didnt cared about the hype.
That was some brilliant shit! Seriously I could still go see the movie and appreciate it, yet the nutshell was great!
i thought this was suposed to be 10 times shorter.
i heard of this movie on site wealthykiss dotcom and many people on the site said it is good.
I liked the movie and I liked this article. I don't understand why it's so difficult to appreciate both for different reasons. Saying you like one doesn't mean you have to hate the other. And it's not what the authors intended either.
Absolutely brilliant.
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aljensen
This guy could write some other funny movie riffs: The Godfather - OH, we get Francis Ford Coppola, we'll all slowly turn into our parents, one moral compromise after another. GEE, way to capture the zeitgeist of the 70s. OH, and shattering our naive childhood recieved notions about the 50s, wow, how POMO. THX1138 - Yeah, we read Nietzche our Freshman year, too. Prick. The Seventh Sign - WOW, how original - a pale guy in black cloak. THINK HE COULD BE DEATH, MAYBE. Oh, and they're playing a game with death, no I mean LITERALLY playing a game with death. Why don't you just shove a little more visual metaphor into your movie, Ingmar, I don't feel enough like I'm in a Metallica video. The Children of Paradise - Oh, so the interim pantomimes between episodes show what's going to happen next, gee it took my little sister 5 minutes to figure that out, before getting bored and watching Tilla Tequila on her IPOD. "But forshadowing is so artistic", yeah right, why don't you just add a deux-ex-machina already. BTW, mimes are totally gay. Metropolis - Why not just call it ROSA LUXEMBOURG IN SPACE!?! You know Fritz Lang, we're not stupid. And the fight on top of the rotting church, yeah way to show the degradation of European civilization after the first World War. Hey, you know what would have been better? Having your characters fight on top of a CGI pile of feces labeled "WEIMAR REPUBLIC". Just go for the juggular, why don't you.