History's 7 Most Astounding Sexual Resumes

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The most frequently asked question among Cracked readers has to be, "Is it possible I'm having too much sex?"

Fortunately, some have made history by letting us know just how much sex is possible, seemingly dedicated to testing the very upper limits of human humping. Such as ...

Chuck Negron

The lead singer of Three Dog Night took sex where it was never meant to go. Being the lead singer of a band back in the '70s, it's no surprise Negron has probably experienced things the rest of us can barely comprehend, such as a $2,000-a-day drug addiction. He took it further, however. Much further. So far, in fact, that his penis exploded. No, we're not speaking figuratively.

While Gene Simmons can claim he's slept with a bajillion women, based on the recently released tape of his coitus, his medicated-bear approach to love making isn't going to strain him any time soon. Chuck Negron, on the other hand, presumably experiencing an entirely new plane of reality with the helping hand of massive amounts of cocaine, worked his crank with so many women and with such drug-fuelled ferocity that a doctor told him it had become the tumescent equivalent of a lucky pair of boxers. Sure you want to keep using it, but the edges are frayed and the material holding it together is mostly made up of your hopes and prayers more than any real atomic bonds. One more tumble through the wash and she's done for.

This horror is outlined in Negron's autobiography, the writing of which apparently means he retained his sanity after what has to be the most traumatic event possible in this universe.

But like any addict, or man with a penis for that matter, Negron couldn't resist. Unofficial sources say Chuck was working his magic on a Miss America contestant when his wand broke, so to speak. According to one blogger's account of his meeting with Negron, the words "a hot dog in the microwave" were used as a description. This in turn probably means the Miss America contestant may have had to be institutionalized because there's no way seeing a burst-open wang is something they're trained to deal with.

So was it all worth it? You'll have to ask Chuck.

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Xaviera Hollander

Known as the Happy Hooker, Hollander is who Eliot Spitzer would have been paying $1,000 a night for if he'd been in the market back in the '60s. And given the state of inflation, that means today she'd be making over $6,000. That's some expensive whoring, but despite the high prices, Hollander stayed busy. Boy, did she.

A one-time secretary from Holland, she decided a desk job was for suckers and maybe banging strangers for cash would be a more lucrative trade. And since we all know Holland has no debauchery at all, she left for America.

Hollander was New York's top madam back in the late '60s and early '70s, and even wrote a book about her life selling her ass that was made into a movie. Eventually she acquired a job writing a column for Penthouse, worked as a phone sex operator and wrote several books that were mostly about fucking.

If there was a way to be filthy, she tried her hand and probably one or two other body parts at it.

Of course it should be noted that she lays claim to having had sex with hundreds if not thousands of males throughout her career, including her sister's husband. And if you still don't understand why she gets singled out on this list, it should be further noted that we said "males" and not "men" or even "humans" for a reason, as Hollander got to know a German Shepherd in ways even your leg would be embarrassed about.

Related: Tom Holland Learned He Snagged The Part of Spider-Man On Instagram

Casanova

Giacomo Girolamo Casanova de Seingalt is one of the most iconic man whores of all time. Known as one of the world's greatest lovers, he met popes, royalty, Voltaire and Mozart, probably leaving all of them wishing he'd given them a taste of his sweet, sweet love.

According to his autobiography he started his sexual life with something of a bang, losing his virginity at 16 to a pair of sisters who threw themselves at him. We're assuming that was the age Casanova decided he simply could no longer deny the world the benefits of his sexual superpowers.


And he was not a good-looking dude

Throughout his life he hopped all across Europe, partly for sport and partly because he got kicked out of nearly every city he went because he screwed more women than modern pay scales. More than once, his final act before leaving town was fighting a duel with someone over a woman he'd introduced to his penis. As a businessman he made and lost literal fortunes, amounts that would be in the millions today, because he had to continually pay off women who worked for him after some random night of debauchery or, once again, as a result of having to leave town due to various shenanigans he and his boner were up to.

Amongst his many conquests were a 14-year-old girl and a nun, who he reportedly had together at one point, we suspect after a friend bet him he couldn't do something sexually perverse enough to rip open a portal to Hell.


British actor David Tennant playing a pale, criminally unsexy Casanova

Later in life, after having his heart broken, Casanova is reported to have trained a parrot to say the girl was a bigger whore than her mother, before reselling it. Yes, Casanova basically took all those drunken lies we told at parties in college, and lived them for real.

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John Holmes

"Johnny Wadd" was the porn star to end all porn stars. Appearing in over 2,500 flicks and inspiring films like Boogie Nights, Holmes was the Ron Jeremy of his time, only not as fat, hairy and horrifying. So not really like Ron Jeremy at all.

Discovered by a man at the next urinal staring at his package, Holmes started earning $3,000 a day for his movies by the late '70s. His claim to fame was having the dick that all other men merely claim to have. He once described it in a scholarly fashion as being "the size of two and one half 6-inch rulers" though his wife said it was closer to 10 inches. A woman can sense these things.

Holmes claimed to have had sex with 20,000 women, though he was known to be something of a bonehead and a liar who would often make up a story one day and recount it as truth the next. People with more of a reputation for honesty (and less of a reputation for sucking back as much cocaine as Holmes did) say the number was probably closer to 3,000, which for most people is still pretty impressive. Or disgusting. Really depends on one's outlook.


Altered photo: In original Holmes was not wearing Cracked.com brand underpants

As his drug habit forced him to start looking for creative new ways to make money, like prostituting himself to men and women and credit card fraud, he got caught up in some other illegal dealings, ended up in prison and eventually contracted HIV. He never told anyone in the industry about that, making him something of a giant douche.

There was even a rumor for a time that he had accidentally killed some dudes by having sex with them (due to his penis being the size of seven 2.1 inch rulers) and had been ordered by a judge never to have anal sex again.

A court psychologist diagnosed Holmes with antisocial personality disorder, which accounted for all the bullshit stories he told about himself, though maybe not for all the other ways he was a douchebag. It just goes to show that not every human flaw can be cured by having an enormous dong.

Related: Why is Sherlock So Jacked in 'Enola Holmes'?

Caligula

Let's start by noting that when it came time to make a movie about Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, known as Caligula, nobody called Ridley Scott or Stanley Kubrick. No, for this particular Roman emperor, the only type of movie that would suffice was a 3-hour-long porno funded by Penthouse magazine.

That's because Caligula is mostly known for one thing: stark, raving depravity. Though some stories were most likely exaggerated and the sources can never be fully verified, the legacy he has left behind involves a lot of whores, adultery, incest and a horse that used to get invited to dinner and that he tried to get appointed as consul.

If the stories are to be believed, when not busy murdering people for fun or money or having people tossed in arenas with wild animals to amuse himself and his horse, Caligula was known for turning his palace into a brothel, something that just wouldn't fly in today's Buckingham Palace due to the Queen's poor hips.


Penthouse founder Bob Guccione on the naked set of Caligula

He also had a tendency to pick up any random women who interested him. Women at their own weddings, for instance, or pregnant women. Or one of his three sisters. Or the wives of people he was having dinner with, which he would inspect like mom looking for the best melon at the supermarket before taking them away, doing his business, then coming back and giving everyone else the highlights.

And being that variety is the spice of life, he was open to men as well. The son of a consular family "had buggered the Emperor, and quite worn himself out in the process," as one historian writes.

See, we would have paid more attention in history class if they hadn't kept leaving out stuff like this.

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Marquis de Sade

Donatien Alphonse François de Sade probably doesn't have a great reputation outside the whips and chain crowd, given that his major legacy is being the source of the word "sadism." If he was the Marquis de Fellatio or the Marquis de Philly Cheesesteak he might be more widely loved and respected, but oh well.

A French aristocrat and philosopher, Sade spent much of his life either incarcerated, both in prisons and nut houses, or doing things that would get him put in prisons and nut houses. A big fan of hookers, he was mostly known for engaging in nefarious and abusive acts that he probably had to pay extra for. What kind of acts? Things like poisoning them with Spanish Fly, or the scourge of polite society: sodomy. And, you know, the sadistic stuff that made him famous.


The only work-safe part of this picture

Like Caligula, Sade was a go-getter who viewed an ass as an ass regardless of whether it was male or female. During his time out of prison, he had problems retaining any staff as few maids and servants responded well to his buggering and gerbiling or whatever it was he was doing for kicks. When not on the run, he was known to arrange orgies around town, and apparently had a thing for mixing sex and blasphemy in unique and uncomfortable ways, such as inserting communion hosts where no communion hosts have gone before, or wanking with crucifixes.


Trust us, they're all naked

Even bloating with old age, Sade never really grew out of his debauchery, even when he found a woman willing to stay with him despite his reputation and nefarious hobbies. He died in prison, while having an affair with a teenager who worked there. We're thinking the man wasn't sorry.

Related: Famous Biographical Movies That Are Shockingly Full Of Lies

Wilt Chamberlain

Not just an awesome Conan villain, Chamberlain was a monster on the court and is the only player to have ever scored 100 points in an NBA game. He was also the man who, like John Holmes, claimed to have banged 20,000 women. Though it was probably not the same 20,000 women because that would be an astonishing coincidence.

According to some people who know math, for Chamberlain's claim to be true he would have had to have sex with 1.14 women every day from the time he was 15 until he died. Factoring in things like sleep, work and his inability to score quite as often in his younger and later years, has him doing the deed with a different woman every three and a half hours. For 21 straight years.


Wilt's penis snags a rebound

While that makes it seem like most people doubt him, those who knew him said he easily arranged for threesomes and was known to have more than 23 women over the course of one 10 day road trip. Toss in a lot of charm, being rich and famous and the fact that the story is a lot cooler if it's true, and we see no reason to doubt it.


Wilt modestly hides his escaped penis with the ball; an opposing player averts his eyes

Chamberlain faced a lot of criticism for his claim, but always stuck by it and never said he was bragging, just laying it out there because people were curious, which is probably how at least a few of his sexual encounters started as well. And while Wilt seemed to feel like he had to constantly explain why he slept with enough women to populate a small city, we're pretty sure "Because he could" just about covers it.

If you enjoyed that, check out our rundown of The 10 Nakedest Female Names on Google Image Search. Then, watch some(one else watch) PORNOGRAPHY ON CRACKED.COM!!!. Or if our dishonesty in that last link pissed you off, you can actually see barely blurred pornography in this hard hitting piece of political commentary.

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