Dick + Naked Woman = Extremely Misleading Headline (NSFW if You Squint)
Some of you probably think being a Cracked blogger is fun. And sure, getting recognized on the street is a thrill at first, and the all the hot sex you’re constantly invited to watch (otherwise Ross can’t finish) is pretty okay too.
But let me tell you, it’s not all peaches and thick-bearded sex. There’s a dark side. Of course, I’m primarily referring to our being forced to care about the most inane shit ever hammered onto a keyboard by an AP intern trying to pad his transcript so he can get an internship in DC and avoid breaking up with his needy girlfriend.
Also sometimes Dan hits us with an old piece of leather belt he found. I don’t think it’s his, mostly because I’ve never seen him wearing pants.
But back to inane shit. The below photo of Dick Cheney “made waves” in the blogosphere this week, not because of his uncanny resemblance to The Penguin scowling triumphantly while Gotham burns, but because there was speculation that that little smudged reflection in his glasses was a naked woman.
You can start masturbating whenever.
The White House claims that it’s actually just a reflection of the fishing pole Dick was holding at the time. And while any moron can see that that’s clearly true, the use of the phrase “Dick’s pole” in their justification is so sexually charged that I’m going to have to assume that the reflection is actually of hardcore pornstar Jenna Haze. My arguments?
One. Look at that smirk. You’re telling me that’s the smirk of a man enjoying a nice fly fishing cast? You’re suggesting a man who is at least a third responsible for the downfall of the American Empire gets off on some fucking nylon sailing through the air?
Au contraire. That is the knowing grin of a bald, overweight man who knows he can bang, and then murder young starlets with impunity. I guarantee you that mere moments after this photo was snapped, that woman’s face got a blast from Dick’s trusty shotgun. And then he probably killed her, too.
Two. I have devised a simple test to prove that it’s at least possible that there could be a naked lady in there. Below, four photos. Three are old men’s hands. One? Jenna Haze. I DEFY you to spot the difference.
And three. The White House claims some fancy zoom-in of the photo proves Cheney was fishing. Big whoop. I saw a picture yesterday of a guy with his head stuck up his own ass. It was not only a hilarious visual metaphor and example of computing wizardry, but also a dire warning: photos are not to be trusted.
Just because your European History teacher shows you some slides of emaciated torture victims standing by some grainy wooden bunks doesn’t mean the Holocaust actually happened. Okay, bad example, but you get my point.
Check out these images I made with just a few minutes and some Googling.
Clearly, when someone like me—not even a professional photo manipulationist—can fool the eye so utterly, so completely, we can’t take anything at face value. If a few bloggers say that those eighty tan pixels represent a nude sunbathing pornstar, who are we to question?
We should just accept it as fact and react accordingly (huge boners), for the sake of entertainment if nothing else. Who cares about high gas prices; Cheney’s leering at nipples! On boobs! The important question now is what to do about it. Our VeeP has almost certainly been snagging some poon on the side, possibly while dressed in rubber wading pants.
It may be too late to impeach, but I say there’s always time for a good old fashioned uprising of the people. I mean, you didn’t rise up when you found out they lied about the WMD’s in Iraq. You didn’t rise up when they sent your children to die in the desert and pushed our economic status back forty years. For the love of God, rise up now!
If I don’t see people looting in the streets tomorrow, I’m going to care even less about this issue, which, believe me, is no small feat. Please, don’t let that happen.
Viva la inanity!
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael plans and coordinates the execution of photoshops as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
April 14th, 2008 at 8:17 am
Yeah, say all you want, but at least we don’t manly love Chris Crocker.
FIRST!
April 14th, 2008 at 8:26 am
I just can’t see it. I mean, it doesn’t look much like hands holding a fishing pole, but I can’t see a naked woman in there either. I think it’s actually Hannah Montana’s true face. Doesn’t the expression on Cheney’s face look like a “yes master” kind of thing?
April 14th, 2008 at 9:20 am
It’s clearly a roast chicken. Look at his face, that’s the face of a man who’s thinking “Yes, my name has phallic connections, yes, I have essentially whored out my soul for some of that sweet, sweet oil. But I have a lovely roast chicken in the oven, so the joke’s on you world!”
April 14th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Jesus Christ, can there at least be a NSFW listed on the fucking link. That last “fuzzy” picture got me “talked” to at work.
Fuck Swaim, use your brain…
April 14th, 2008 at 9:54 am
I’m so glad I don’t have a job, if I did and was browsing this at work and someone else saw the photo of a blowjob that’s here, that would be bade. If only there were some way to indicate ahead of time that one of the pictures in this post is, like, not safe for work, or something like that.
[Yes, I know that the language at blogpost title are NSFW too, but toilet humor netiquette generally says to give a “head”s up (get it: head?! hilarious) when it’s something that can be noticed from acros the room.]
April 14th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Ok, who the hell was taking the picture is my question. Why don’t we just ask that guy? I bet he took way more pictures of the chick masturbating to the left of him, than he did of Dick. Besides, i think we should all be happy that we have a long run of people in the highest offices that actually like females, none of that queer little boy screwing that the senate likes so much, or the French, our presidents are always nailing bitches, not being made bitches, and thats whats important.
April 14th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Damn you guys should grow some body - broad shoulders at least. My massive shoulder-party just blocks the screen for the rest of the world.
April 14th, 2008 at 10:58 am
If that is a naked chick them one arm is broken, she is wearing a sword, she only has one giant boob and it’s hitting her in the face and she balanced on top of the Paramount Pictures mountain.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Exactly what I saw Glen, that is amazing !!!!!
April 14th, 2008 at 11:24 am
The first thing I saw was some kind of giant, tan mantis.
EVEN MORE FIRST!!
April 14th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
glendoor42, I swear that’s what I saw too! it’s a nice giant boob though
April 14th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Seriously, why isnt this labeled as NSFW?
April 14th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
hahaha, good stuff.
April 14th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
JT, I guess it all depends on where you work?
April 14th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Didn’t think I would see a picture of Jean Chrétien on this site
April 14th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Who said I work?
April 14th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
April 14th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
http://img512.imageshack.us/img512/6708/unphotoshoopedya4.jpg
April 15th, 2008 at 2:16 am
Is it wrong that I’m totally turned on by the relection of that giant mutant grasshopper with the one giant boob?
April 15th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Dammit, Andy. It’s a mantis! Weren’t you paying attention to me? I’m not just here as a commentator, you know; I’m a professional internentomologist!
April 15th, 2008 at 8:25 am
“professional internentomologist” My ass THAT IS a broken armed, one boobed chic with a sword balanced precariously on a mountain. Or a really messed up version of the statue at the skating rink at Rockefeller Center.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:05 am
I CAN SAY THIS IN 4 WORDS…..IT’S ALL ABOUT the hottest photoes on TALLHUB~~c om ~~
I CAN SAY THIS IN 4 WORDS…..IT’S ALL ABOUT the hottest photoes on TALLHUB~~com ~~~
I CAN SAY THIS IN 4 WORDS…..IT’S ALL ABOUT the hottest photoes on TALLHUB~~com ~~~
April 15th, 2008 at 11:09 am
What the… which 4 words…? I want cora back.
April 15th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
What the fuck are photoes, fake toes?
April 16th, 2008 at 7:27 am
Faux toes are all the rage in Hollywood, these days. I hear Angelina Jolie got faux toes.
April 18th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
The reflection is of his gangrene-infested weiner. Done.
April 20th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
very, very nice.