As if to prove that this anecdote had plenty of room to get way creepier, Ward goes on to describe himself and his co-star as "sexual vampires" who had "super hero sex with young fans".

The show's popularity fizzled, and it was cancelled after three seasons. West struggled with typecasting and drunken public appearances for years before eventually finding voice-over work on shows like Family Guy, in which he plays Mayor Adam West, the role he was born to play. As for Ward, when he isn't trying like hell to convince the world that he invented a brand of pet food that will give your dogs eternal life ...

Gentlegiantsrescue.com/
Seen here. Ward ... might be crazy.

... he can be found at conventions, taking pics with fans, answering questions about what Cesar Romero was like in real life, and breathlessly spreading the legend of his enormous dick.

Yep. According to Ward, the same fleshy man cannon that frequently found itself being fought over by swarms of enthusiastic Batman fans also rivals Harley Quinn's hammer in length, girth, and ability to pulverize.

It was so big that when Ward tried to stuff "the Beast in the Bat trunks" (one of Ward's many nicknames for his penis) into those skimpy green shorts, studio execs were fielding complaints from the National Legion of Decency, who were offended by Robin's bulge. The costume designers futilely tried to hide the protrusion using various restraints and even layering Robin's green underwear. When all that failed, the studio sent him to a less than reputable doctor who prescribed a course of mystery pills that would supposedly "shrink" the Boy Wonder's wonder. Luckily, Ward stopped taking them before any bodily damage was done. He is emphatically clear on this point.

20th Century Fox Television
"If anything, they had the opposite effect, and I had to stop before it collapsed into a black hole which I would have to fuck my way out of."

Shockingly, it's been suggested that Ward's creeptastic claims are wildly exaggerated. The only source to any of these claims is Ward's autobiography, released by a publishing company that A) is owned by Ward, and 2) has never published another book. Though to be fair, West confirmed in his own autobiography that the costume designers needed to find a way to reduce Robin's bulge to make it appropriate for prime time TV, but that could just as easily be attributed to the fact that Robin was wearing a tiny pair of underpants.

Ward, we should note, spends a significant portion of his memoir accusing West of being envious of "the monster" (another official Ward dickname) and embarrassed of the inferior size of his own Batmanaconda. Whether or not this specific accusation is true, we now know that in every single episode of Batman, Robin was silently thinking up new names for the crotch bulge he was convinced everyone around him was staring at.

20th Century Fox Television
"SHUT UP! IT'S A MR. FREEZE EPISODE, THAT'S ALL!"

Nickelodeon may have prided itself on its "Kids Rule" philosophy, but according to Summers, the backstage of Double Dare "was like being in a fraternity." In one incident, Summers recalls a crew member needing to take the day off to get an abortion because another crew member had knocked her up (it is our duty to assume that they referred to unprotected sex as the Ultimate Physical Challenge). "It was the eighties, you know? There might have been a little experimentation going on there," says Summers, which, in addition to being one of the most terrifyingly vague statements ever given, is almost certainly a reference to mountains of cocaine.

Viacom
"Why do you think we had the giant nose?"

Speaking of drugs, the omnipresent green slime, called Gak, was actually a street term for heroin coined in 1980s Philadelphia. This alien semen bouillabaisse was dumped on everyone and everything, so the crew thought it would be hilarious to name it after one of the most life-derailing drugs in modern history. Nickelodeon even marketed a line of toys proudly bearing the Gak label, completely unaware of what that word actually meant.

Nickelodeon
Be careful, it's a gateway drug to Silly Putty.

But while the crew was mischievous, they never caused any real trouble for Nickelodeon. They left that up to the contestants. Summers made it a habit to smash cream pies in the face of nearly every parent on the show, because children delight in the subjugation of their elders, but one mother decided to sue Nickelodeon, claiming she was no longer able to have sex as a result of Summers' wanton pie-facing. Despite the fact that her allegations suggest she is either extremely confused about how sex works or is married to a birthday clown, Nickelodeon gave her a $25,000 settlement out of court, which is way better than the bullshit watches and luggage sets they normally gave away on Double Dare.

And then there is the doll incident.

Saget would often rehearse with a 4-foot rubber doll that served as a stand-in for his TV daughter Michelle, because some liberal do-gooder passed a law that says you can only force children to work a certain number of hours per day (unless they're working on a farm, at which point it's open season). Saget being Saget, it was only a matter of time before he decided to incorporate his inflatable rehearsal buddy into a hilarious improv comedy routine, which is another way of saying "he pretended to fuck that doll." Unfortunately, while the stage was clear of innocent young eyes, the monitors were still on, so his deflowering of Michelle's rubber doppelganger was broadcast to the dressing room, several offices, and the kids' on-set schoolroom. Ironically, the resulting videotape would have been a perfect submission to America's Funniest Home Videos.

On Ellison's very first day he was greeted with a parking spot with his name freshly stenciled on it, a two-room office, a private bathroom, and his own secretary. His coworkers were a staff of writers he knew and respected. It was a dream job. So naturally, Ellison wound up burning it all to the ground almost immediately.

Katie Rommel-Esham
"That castle is bigger than I was expecting. Mind if I step out for a bit for some more gasoline?"

Ellison soon joined his new colleagues for lunch, because no one actually works on their first day at a big company. Wanting to make an impression as a fun, irreverent guy, and blessed with an impeccable Mickey Mouse impersonation, he proposed a hardcore Disney porno that "rips the lid off the goody two-shoes hypocrisy that lies sweltering beneath the surface of G-rated true-life adventures." And then he began acting out scenes.

We're not going to go into too much detail, but we will say that Minnie's "quivering labia" were referenced, and that a scene involving Tinker Bell using her wings to "flap off" a giant penis was proposed (in fairness, the penis would be normal-sized, because Tink is a tiny magic fairy). Mickey would pop the buttons off of his iconic red pants and torpedo all seven dwarfs, while Pluto, the bumbling film producer, would struggle to keep everything running smoothly with comic ineptness.

Walt Disney
"Can't we go out to lunch just once where you don't imitate Goofy bondage sex?"

Unfortunately for Ellison, Walt's nephew Roy was having lunch with a bunch of other studio executives directly behind him. Either Ellison's new co-workers had also failed to notice all of their bosses dining in the same room, or had decided that Ellison's pitch deserved to be heard by those with the power to green-light it into production. Whatever the case, Ellison returned to his office to find his secretary gone, a pink slip on his desk, and his name removed from his parking spot, because sometimes life has the comedic timing of a sitcom. Ellison worked at Walt Disney Studios for a grand total of four hours, because, in his words, "nobody fucks with The Mouse." Especially not literally.

And while we're on the subject ...