6 Prank Gadgets That Only a Sociopath Would Actually Use
Everyone knew that one big kid in school who was constantly playing "pranks" that simply involved physically hurting other people ("You just punched me in the kidneys!" "Ha! Gotcha!"). Well, those kids grow up, and often go their entire lives without ever discovering the difference between a "practical joke" and "randomly harming other people just because." Fortunately for them, an entire industry has emerged to help them raise their game.
Ultimate PC Prank Master
The Ultimate PC Prank Master is a $29.95 USB device that, when connected to any computer, proceeds to cripple it in several random and annoying ways.
The only way that USB drive could be more obnoxious is if it were full of bootleg Dane Cook routines.
It's basically like having a particularly malicious virus, so really you can achieve the same result by taking a regular USB drive to a public library computer and then lending it to a friend. Presumably this was created by someone who went through a devastating malware attack and thought "Hilarious!"
"More people need to go through this, for no good reason."
The available "pranks" include jerking the cursor around, turning caps lock on and off indiscriminately and typing nonsensical snippets of text at random times, essentially recreating the experience of being 14 and on MySpace all over again. You can control the frequency with which these things happen through a series of buttons on the device itself, which also features a convenient time delay setting so that it doesn't start working immediately after you volunteered to clean the 10 years of dust off the back of your friend's desktop computer.
This is the perfect hiding place, because nobody knows what half those cables do.
So, apparently, at some point the victim is supposed to find this piece of destructive technology you've secretly placed in their machine, say "Oh, you card!" and ... hand it back to you? Because if he, say, angrily steps on it and tells you to fuck off forever, you just lost $30 on a pretty shitty joke.
And if Proposition #297 passes, most of the skin on your back.
The device won't press "Enter" or close unsaved documents, because that would be too easy -- it's not meant to get your friends fired, it's only supposed to drive them to suicide. And hey, if you can get them to pick up the phone and dial the number for the suicide hotline, that makes them the perfect target for the next "hilarious" joke ...
Wrong Number Generator
The Wrong Number Generator does exactly what the name implies -- it makes the victim's phone call the wrong number. So it's a simple gadget designed to exasperate not one, but dozens of people at the same time: the "friend" whose phone it's installed on, the multiple strangers said friend will accidentally interrupt whenever he tries to make a call and the phone company employee who will eventually get yelled at over a nonexistent problem. It's a miserable time all around, for only $89.
Most courts consider owning one of these as proof of sociopathy.
This is the type of joke that might seem funny for a second or two before you consider the potentially disastrous or even tragic consequences. It's an innocuous-looking piece of black plastic that, when attached to a phone line, randomly changes the number that was dialed to a different one. Whether the caller is trying to urgently reach their sick mother or simply wants to engage in some anonymous phone sex, the result will be the same: They'll end up talking to someone other than the person they called.
"Why yes, I am wearing panties right now."
And just to make sure the victim doesn't catch on, the extremely easy to hide device is programmed to let the right number go through 25 percent of the time -- it's all coldly calculated to make victims question their own sanity and/or ability to dial. The only number that is never blocked is 911, which is probably just a security measure in case someone catches you installing this thing and deservedly beats the crap out of you.
"I'm sorry, sir, but our department doesn't waste manpower on people who had it coming."
This is supposed to be "for recreational purposes only," but the real reasons behind it become more apparent when you consider that the same company also offers a Disconnected Number Generator that does the opposite: It blocks all incoming calls and plays a "You have reached a number that is disconnected" message to anyone calling in. What exactly is the joke there?
Even the product description reads more like it was written by Dr. Doom or, at least, his understudy: "Just imagine the incredible havoc this could create. The potential consequences of this device being installed on a business telephone line are even more staggering."
You're only allowed to use words like "havoc" and "staggering" if you have a steel mask.
Of course, if you really need to reach someone, the solution is simple: Just use a cellphone. Unless the prankster also bought ...
Hidden Cellphone Jammer
A cellphone jammer is a little box that instantly cuts off any cellphone activity in its general vicinity -- here's one in action. Chances are we've all wished we had something like this at some point (and by "at some point" we mean "at the movies"), but you know what's even worse (and more dangerous) than an obnoxious asshole talking loudly on a cellphone? An obnoxious asshole deciding when everyone else gets to talk.
"Honey, you forgot your pack of hard plastic cigarettes and no lighter!"
The Hidden Cellphone Jammer (Cigarette Pack) seems designed for the latter group. Its inconspicuous cigarette pack camouflage allows the stealth dick to take it out or leave it behind without raising suspicion. At only $49, it kills all cellphones within a 32-foot radius, which should be enough to clear a restaurant. Or you could buy the fancier $950 version, walk into Wall Street and crash the stock market. Our point being, this is a thing that can cause real damage.
The next cartoon shows them as skeletons.
Another reason why this is disguised as a cigarette pack, we suspect, is that cellphone jammers are quite illegal in the U.S., and for good reason: They don't just block out annoying conversations, but also emergency signals and GPS services. Using a cellphone jammer can result in jail time and fines up to $16,000. Of course, the disguise may not be as clever as they think, because you can probably get a similar sentence these days just from taking out a cigarette pack in a public place.
One causes cancer, and one turns you into a human cancer.
The Fake Pregnancy Test
Because every healthy relationship is based on sadism and deceit, the Fake Pregnancy Test is a $9.98 gag product specifically designed to convince your significant other that you're having a fictional child. It looks like a completely regular pregnancy test, except it always comes up positive (the company that makes it is presumably already working on an AIDS test that does the same thing).
It's never been cheaper to prove you're a terrible person.
Supposedly this thing is meant to help you find out if your boyfriend is a moral person ... by being the complete opposite to him. The official product description includes the phrase "sleep with your married boss and watch him squirm" -- we honestly can't tell if that's a joke or part of the instructions. It's hard to tell. To give an idea of the level of humor we're dealing with here, the page also includes the words "You May Also Be Interested In THE DICK TOWEL" (caps in the original).
We are, but that's not the point.
Besides the suggested method of use, the Fake Pregnancy Test can also be used to play a variety of other "pranks," like convincing another girl she's pregnant, leaving it in a teenager's room for her parents to find, giving false hope to a couple that's trying, etc. There's nothing you can do with this piece of plastic that won't make you a worse human being.
In fact, this may actually be more useful as a tool for terminating unwanted relationships: Simply prove to the other person how much of a bastard you are and wait for them to leave you.
"But not for at least two or three months!"
TitleTV Poltergeist Phantom Prank Device
Ever had a friend whose idea of a joke is to turn off the TV during the climatic part of the movie or the decisive moment of the game? Different people have different interpretations of the concept of humor, and some are just idiots. The TV Poltergeist Phantom Prank Device is like having that guy in your house all the time, every day, for weeks. Also he's a ghost.
With crappy taste.
The TV Poltergeist is a small box that can be easily planted in almost any room, at which point it will start turning on and off a nearby TV at random intervals of five to 20 minutes for as long as the batteries last (which, according to Amazon, can be for months). It also works on DVD players and VCRs, apparently, so depending on how cluttered your living room is, you could easily waste hundreds of dollars replacing "faulty" equipment before finding it.
That's without counting the money you'll waste on Ghostbusters.
And that's it. That's all this thing does. It's a $13 piece of machinery created to act on behalf of your annoying douchebag friend when he's not around. And because those guys tend to be loud and obnoxious, the same company has also produced a similar device called Annoy-A-Tron to take care of that part for as little as $9.99:
Plus every friendship you've ever had.
That small, easy to hide gadget produces three different types of annoying beeps and frequencies at varying pitches -- since the beeps are short and random, they can become extremely grating over time, while remaining difficult to locate. Oh, and this one also lasts for weeks, at which point it could reduce anyone to a paranoid mess. This company apparently has an entire department devoted to thinking up new ways of being the worst friend ever ... but hey, at least they haven't figured out how to create a gadget that makes people puke.
Unfortunately someone else has ...
Sonic weapons are a type of technology that governments have developed as a nonviolent alternative to traditional methods of crowd control (unless you consider headaches, vomiting and loss of balance to be violent, that is). This is highly unpleasant military-level technology here -- so obviously someone created an affordable gag version of it.
"Use with extreme discretion" or, y'know, whenever.
Yes, this Sonic Nausea gadget is just a few clicks away from any dick in the world with about $40 to his name. Like the Annoy-A-Tron, it's easy to hide and difficult to find. Unlike the other gadgets in this list, it's not just annoying, it actually causes physical consequences like "headaches, intense irritation, sweating, imbalance, nausea or even vomiting." It's like that PC Prank thing, only for your brain, and instead of messing with your cursor, maybe it loosens up your bowels.
He's laughing on the inside.
The gadget works by generating a specific combination of sound waves calculated to make you physically ill. The effect varies from person to person: Users over the net have described it as a "slightly queasy feeling, almost like you have to belch but can't, and it's lasted about 15 minutes" and "disruption to concentration in some, heightened aggression in one individual and downright irritation to many younger people."
As far as pranks go, this is as hilarious as infecting someone with a bad flu. At least you don't have to worry about your computer, phone, TV or girlfriend bothering you while you tend to that migraine. Speaking of which, we've actually done the math, and it would take a minimum of $239.92 (plus shipping) for a dedicated asshole to buy all the gadgets mentioned in this article and use them against you. Our advice to avoid this, we guess, is don't have shitty friends.
Only available for use by military, law enforcement or literally anyone with a credit card.
For more products to improve your dickishness, check out The 10 Most Baffling Computer Gadgets Money Can Buy and The 13 Most Irresponsible Self Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy.