Cracked Round-Up: Preventative Medicine Edition
You'd expect a comedy website to have fairly low insurance premiums, but Cracked actually has a higher rate of on-the-job injuries than the United States Marine Corps. We've had an adjuster looking through our workman's comp claims lately, and he came across something fascinating: 95% of our injuries are broken bones due to vehicular trauma. Usually go-kart related.
Rather than giving up our sacred right to run down interns in the parking lot, Management has mandated that all Cracked employees be either heavily intoxicated or behind the wheel of a motor vehicle at all times. Preferably both. Relaxed muscles and joints save lives.
Soren Bowie is never afraid to take a stand. Which is why he came out as in favor of SOPA, heedless of the poorly spelled death threats his column would provoke. Christina stirred up controversy of a different kind with her look into the inexplicable world of women's clothing. Adam Brown looked into the mad world of food commercials while Robert Brockway explored India through their ridiculous action movies. John Cheese discussed the terrible habits being poor breeds in you and Dan O'Brien closed us off with the five places where mankind reverts to anarchy. Read it and weep for the future of man.
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BREAKTHROUGHS
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 The only thing keeping us from a glorious new world is sheer, overwhelming laziness.
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Notable Comment: "Ha. The whole reorganizing the NYC airspace is never going to work. They've tried to do it several times but the second a flight path ends up over an uppity rich neighborhood on Long Island, they start throwing little hissy fits and throwing their money around. So the flight path either gets scraped or redirected over the crappy poor towns that already have flight paths."
Actually MalibuStacy, we have a plan that would deal with that. It involves organizing irate frequent fliers to throw bags of dog poop at rich people's houses.
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FORTUNE'S FAVOR
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 90% of heroism is being the dude who doesn't die.
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Notable Comment: "Might Gorgo have felt Theron's purse when he was doing her?"
DavidL.HealdJr., is it really more reasonable to assume the guy brought his illegal bribe money with him to go rape the head of state's wife?
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SCRIPTED REALITY
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 Sometimes the world rewards lazy set designers.
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Notable Comment: "Hyrule is based on the forest and caves around Shigueru Miyamoto's childhood home."
Sorry, SeanHaddad, but we refuse to believe that Hyrule is not a real place. We spent more of our childhoods there than anywhere in the real world.
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FACTUAL FICTION
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 Reality isn't necessarily more amazing than fiction, but it's at least as creative.
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Notable Comment: "There is a story in my country about MeatBall shop owner that used Human meat mixed with cow to make Delicius Meatball dish."
And humus wins the award for 'comment most likely to make us huddle in a corner gripping a very large knife and crying'.
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BROKEN RULES
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 We'd say the world makes much less sense now but, to be honest, it never made much sense before.
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Notable Comment: "Did you just call The Doctor ugly? On the Internet? Oh shit. That was a mistake."
We were running low on mail bombs anyway, Six-Shooter.
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Natural Disastronauts
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 We're not sure where that accent's from either.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Cute Video Game Characters That'd Be Horrifying in Real Life, Other Movies Remade as Light-Hearted Romantic Comedies and Our World Minus One Crucial Invention.
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