CRACKED ROUND-UP: Food Poisoning Edition
Life lesson, everybody. Apparently bacon can go bad, even if you store it in the basement under a sofa. Turns out those green spots weren't jalapenos after all.
Are you a bully, looking for a sense of purpose in a world that seems to have passed you by? Read Soren's article and learn how YOU can stay relevant in the "post-nerd" world. Looking for the Internet's most comprehensive guide to sexting, written by a grown-ass man? Bucholz has you covered. Next, why not take a break from thinking and just gape in terror at the creepiest robots Brockway can find. If you're ready for another fright, you can move on to Seanbaby's horrific vision of a world without violent games. Last, Dan O'Brien exposed us all to a double-barreled blast from Charlie Sheen's mind. Thanks, asshole.
|6 Important Things You Didn't Know We're Running Out Of
Don't worry, y'all. Our sexiest politicians are hard at work finding ways to pretend these shortages aren't coming.
Notable Comment: "then we just go to other planets and do it the old fashioned western way and start raping them of resources. easy."
Fhatthewuck? is the great-great grandfather of the corporate douchebag from Avatar.
|6 Classic Series You Didn't Know Were Made Up on the Fly
Planning is the first step on the road to failure.
Notable Comment: "All I can say about X-Files, 24, and Lost...and BSG, is DUH they were made up. That's why it wasn't about the story it was about the suspense/mystery. Can't believe people actually like CSI for that matter..."
CSI had about as much mystery as a vegan's bowel movements, Dem0n5.
|6 Things Social Networking Sites Need to Stop Doing
Guys, we've got some bad news. In order to protect your privacy, Cracked.com is going to need credit card, social security and routing numbers from all of you. Also blood type. Just walk outside and start shouting the info to everyone you see. Our hidden cameras will pick it up.
Notable Comment:"f**king scary. That's it, I'm off to orchestrate my digital suicide...."
Remember diode. Down the Information Superhighway, not across the street.
SCIENCE STARTS DRINKING
|7 Useful Genetic Experiments That Are Creepy as Hell
Yeah science. That's what we need. Louder mice. Way to identify a major social problem and then solve the shit out of it.
Notable Comment:"I can't wait for living Gummy bears. Cus you know that would rock.."
Rynarl knows that the best candy screams when you eat it.
|6 Movie Guardians Who Shouldn't Be Allowed Near Children
More evidence that Hollywood writers seldom breed..
Notable Comment: "Kids were taken on exploration ships many years ago. They kept time, scrubbed the deck, manned cannons, etc. They were probably snuggle companions, too. Maybe the Federation is going through a historical cycle of no child welfare."
If sopwith is right, Picard Day just got a whole lot creepier.
YOU YOU YOU!
|Ads for Products that Apparently Exist in Movies
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, What Villains Do in Their Spare Time and How Human Evolution Will Adapt to Modern Gadgets.
Just a bit to the left....there. Hold it. Hold it. We're picking up channel 24 again. Don't move.
Your first time was in the back of a Volkswagen? Pfft..big deal. My first time....
Everyone decided to wait for the next bus.
Tim Burton's "Gumby".
"You both know the rules. First one to sober up loses."
Sure, it looks bad ass. Then you find out it started as Kirk vs. Piccard argument.
Catholic (left), Protestant (centre), Mormon (right), Scientologist (front).
"But I don't want to be Archduke Ferdinand"
Dog fighting in Ireland is done a little differently.
Huh.... and I thought "Box the dog" was a euphemism for masturbation.
In Soviet Russia, suit picks you up from cleaners on way to work.
It's about time they built a commemorative statue to the Bush/Cheney presidency.
You usually have to give Scientology at least $50,000 before they'll show you this.
They realized it was pregnant. Soon, all eyes began to drift toward Captain Kirk, who was suddenly VERY interested in his communicator.