4 Steps to Staying Relevant as a Bully In the Modern World
My Fellow Dickheads,
A spectre is haunting America - the spectre of intimidation.
The last decade has not been kind to us. If you are reading this, or more likely, forcing someone to read it to you, then you already know the sorry state in which we find ourselves. Classrooms, offices and sports teams across the country have conspired against us to tear down the delicate social hierarchy we so carefully built with one gut-punch at a time. And now, on the heels of the It Gets Better campaign, we enter our darkest hour, forced to fold down our popped collars and shake the bare hands of ugly people in a truce.
Yep. Even you, Ace.
I say we cannot die without a fight. Fighting, after all, is what we do best.
We are wolves by nature, and like the mighty wolf, we have to work together to avoid extinction, to avoid becoming the spectres they they've pegged us to be. Now I know what you're thinking, "Being a ghost wolf sounds pretty awesome," and you are right, it does sound awesome. But that was only a metaphor, and the first lesson in the new rise of the bullies is learning to wield the power of language.
I. Weaponizing Words
On the whole, we have never been strong verbal communicators; the bully code has allowed us to speak with our fists and feet, and sometimes if a lot of people are watching, our foreheads. Granted, we accrued a few insults in our arsenal like "nerd" and "freak," but the nerds and freaks handily stole them back, turning them into tolerable and even desirable labels.
Damnit, you nerds.
They've learned to fight against us with language and they are winning. The nobodies have convinced each other through PTA meetings, blogs and 20/20 segments that we are unnecessary in the world, that society would be better off without bullies. They are turning us into losers with their rhetoric, and losing at stuff goes against the very fiber of our being.
We have to respond but our counterattack has to be smart. We must learn to use language as an ally instead of trying to punch it back down the throat of some geek. It's going to take a lot of work.
Nerds know a lot of words because they were holed up in libraries and basements studying all those years while you were crashing motorcycles and nailing single moms. We'll have to catch up. We need to start studying literature, essays and poetry to see how language works, and this time you can't have someone else do it for you. We may even have to open our minds to the texts of other cultures, other philosophies and ways of life. Then, when we've absorbed everything, we will turn around and trounce all those pansies.
"Say it! Say 'leaf' and 'leave' are homophones you pussy."
I won't pretend this is going to be quick either. It could take years. But if at some point in the studying and learning process you start to feel like it's not worth it, just keep in mind the day when you can hold the attention of all those smug nobodies with fancy compliments, cleverly distracting them while your insult sneaks around the back and crouches behind their knees, waiting for your push. That day is going to feel really good.
II. Getting Back to Basics
Over the years we've deviated from our core principles. Too many modern bullies are striking from afar, hurling insults across the internet. That's cowardly. What's more, it devalues the work of our bullying ancestors. You were gifted with physical superiority yet you've chosen a venue for tormenting where that quality holds no bearing. By instigating fights through social networks, you not only sacrifice the potential to prove how much stronger and better looking you are then that loser you're attacking, you've also unintentionally opened the door to thousands of nobodies trying their hand at harassment.
You gave nerds a taste of our power. That was irresponsible.
You birthed a weird hybrid bully. I hope you're happy with yourself.
I urge assholes everywhere to get back to the roots of bullydom, those pioneering moments that put us on the map in the first place: games of chicken in hotrods and ski races on our father's mountains, those were the environments where we always thrived and they also allowed us to prove how much money our families had. What was wrong with that plan? Why did we turn our backs on a system that was working so well? It consistently earned us the hottest girlfriends while simultaneously emasculating the new guy in town (with only a few, hardly memorable exceptions).
Pictured: Our heyday.
We ought to start again where we left off: capitalizing on our superior genes and excessive wealth instead of hiding behind obscure user names and blurry profile pics. We need to remind everyone that we are still the coolest by proving it through impromptu displays of dominance. It is high time we stand proudly once again in the face of the world, poke our collective finger in its chest and let it know exactly who our fathers are.
Who is the girl in the picture...she looks very familiar.
ReplyAs someone who was bullied relentlessly, I must say, it did have some positive effects. I think if I had been coddled my whole life, I would be allowed to enjoy the things I do, and become obnoxious about them, essentially making me something near a full-on hipster. And since I'm NOT, I can honestly see how f*****g terrible that would be. So.. thanks bullying I guess? For helping me find a nice middle ground of enjoying quirky things, but not being an a*****e about it.
ReplyYou're welcome!.. I take PayPal if you'd like to truly express your gratitude and avoid eating this urinal cake I happen to have on hand :-)
"If classrooms and offices had their way and we disappeared today, America would be overrun by all the listless, uninhibited losers casually chasing dreams they have no business chasing."
ReplyJustin Beiber! They must not have bullies in Canada! O.O
Brilliant. You're the man, Soren.
Replylovethis,
Replywell educated, successful and beautiful but need to go online to find a man? seems legit
This was not even funny....just kinda droning on....very bland
ReplyHipsters are the kryptonite of bullies
ReplyI'm totally reading a book. Damn nerds, just wait, and we will gain the power again.
ReplyThere are people who think this article was serious
Replyahahahahaha people are stupid
Y'know, I spent my whole life as a "nerd". I read comic books, play video games, read books, the whole nine yards. But then I started working at a major computer processing company... and I realize that I never even knew what true nerds were.
ReplyNow I spend every day at work feeling like Ogre from "Revenge of the Nerds", resisting the urge to puff my chest out at every software engineer that passes and yell "What the f**k are you lookin' at, dweeb?"
The funny thing about this article is that all of this could actually WORK.
Reply*stupid bugs D:*
The funniest thing about this article is that all this could actually WORK.
ReplyThis article sucks.
ReplyOh, wow. You just described my 2 out of 4 of my ex's.
ReplyNow I really want a shirt that says "Ambition Abortionist"
ReplyWhat LaughingTarget said way down at the bottom of the comments section is great. But we still need to attack the nerds (and ESPECIALLY the geeks) where they're at their weakest. Outside their convention centers, we should more openly attack their confidence.
ReplyRepeat: attack their CONFIDENCE. This is important: we shouldn't tear down their sense of worth, but their ABILITY to feel useful to society. Make them constantly doubt themselves. Eventually, they'll cripple themselves with their own indecisiveness, and their hot girlfriends will realize they're too good for them... but plenty good for us.
Unfortunately, today's kids are told to go tell an adult. Which only ensures an even worse ass kicking the next time their bully catches them alone. Regardless of what liberal child experts tell you to the contrary. Nowadays it's all "Anti-Bully" legislation that won't do anything to solve the problem. Now kids can get expelled(or arrested)for what they write in some blog or on a facebook page,if it hurts some precious wittle snowflake's fewings.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesGone are the days of standing up for yourself and dealing with it,thereby earning self-respect. The only way to stop a bully is to knock their dick in the dirt,or by showing them that even if they do win the fight,picking on you isn't worth getting hurt. Today that makes YOU a bully too.
Hell,back in the day if two boys had an issue the PE teacher took 'em in the gym after school,laced up the gloves,laid out the ground rules and refereed the match. Problem solved.
We're raising a nation of wusses that can't deal with adversity, or solve their own problem.
At the risk of sounding like a hippy, you do realize you're on the side of "I think there should be more violence", right? I mean, just try it out loud a couple of times.
you were making sense until the part with the dirt and the dick
There's only one way to deal with a bully: Beat the Jesus out of them. Make them realize that they've gone too far, and that they won't get anywhere by persisting.
And you know what the weird part is... America's pioneering all these pseudo Civil legislations... Children from Third world countries have ONE rule ... Survive...which teaches them a WHOLE lot of life lessons... I mean imagine an American guy who experienced a safe, structured even pampered childhood and a Chinese guy who had to struggle every day of his life... who do you think would do better in a high stress environment (almost all of the worlds most important jobs are high stress environments btw) ... Its obviously important to control the worst cases of bullying but I know for a fact that as a kid standing up to my bullies taught me a lot... I would never ever want those experiences taken from me
You know what else bullying can do, especially when you have no adults to turn to? It destroys any kind of self-esteem you may have had. You know what standing up to bullies can also do? Get your ass kicked. I love how you're assuming that you CAN take on your aggressor or that your aggressor won't have friends or, shit, even a weapon.
And isn't it fixing a problem when you find someone who can do something when you can't ? I know when my car breaks down or a pipe bursts in the house, I call someone to fix it since I sure as hell can't. There's nothing weak or bad about asking for help.
If a bully has to resort to friends or a weapon in a fight, he's lost his bully status as you now have carte blanch to call him a p***y for not being able to fight his own battles. You know, the very thing he's picking on you for.
You were never bullied much, were you Mason?
This post is to clarify an earlier comment I made. By the 80's definitions, I am a nerd who beat up bullies. I am not a dickless f*g. I am female. I am, however without a penis and attracted to men, so maybe I should give you that one. Let me explain. If the bullies tried to bully me, I beat them up. If they bullied my fellow nerd friends, I beat them up. I am not a bully. For one thing, I have never picked a physical fight, I have only defended myself and people who were unable to defend themselves. I am not big enough to be a bully. As an adult, I am five feet tall. In those days, I was about four feet and change. The bullies were usually twice my size. I am, however, and have always been unusually strong for my size. Kind of like Mighty Mouse. Here I come to save the day! What I was trying to say, in a humorous fashion was, unfortunately, sometimes the only thing that discourages violent, aggressive people is violence and aggression. Thank you. Hope this clarifies things.
Reply"We are the last honest critics left in a culture of blind encouragement, telling people they genuinely suck at something before it sparks into a life-long passion."
ReplyUm... this actually sounds legit. Thinking of all the awful awful "singers" Simon chased off, I was suddenly struck by the thought that this article isn't just satire, it's actually all true.
I just kept thinking through the whole article that if one of these aforementioned bullies really were forcing someone to read this to them, they still wouldn't have any idea what it meant. Good article, nonetheless.
Reply