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4 Steps to Staying Relevant as a Bully In the Modern World

My Fellow Dickheads,

A spectre is haunting America - the spectre of intimidation.

The last decade has not been kind to us. If you are reading this, or more likely, forcing someone to read it to you, then you already know the sorry state in which we find ourselves. Classrooms, offices and sports teams across the country have conspired against us to tear down the delicate social hierarchy we so carefully built with one gut-punch at a time. And now, on the heels of the It Gets Better campaign, we enter our darkest hour, forced to fold down our popped collars and shake the bare hands of ugly people in a truce.

Yep. Even you, Ace.

I say we cannot die without a fight. Fighting, after all, is what we do best.

We are wolves by nature, and like the mighty wolf, we have to work together to avoid extinction, to avoid becoming the spectres they they've pegged us to be. Now I know what you're thinking, "Being a ghost wolf sounds pretty awesome," and you are right, it does sound awesome. But that was only a metaphor, and the first lesson in the new rise of the bullies is learning to wield the power of language.

I. Weaponizing Words

On the whole, we have never been strong verbal communicators; the bully code has allowed us to speak with our fists and feet, and sometimes if a lot of people are watching, our foreheads. Granted, we accrued a few insults in our arsenal like "nerd" and "freak," but the nerds and freaks handily stole them back, turning them into tolerable and even desirable labels.

Damnit, you nerds.

They've learned to fight against us with language and they are winning. The nobodies have convinced each other through PTA meetings, blogs and 20/20 segments that we are unnecessary in the world, that society would be better off without bullies. They are turning us into losers with their rhetoric, and losing at stuff goes against the very fiber of our being.

We have to respond but our counterattack has to be smart. We must learn to use language as an ally instead of trying to punch it back down the throat of some geek. It's going to take a lot of work.

Nerds know a lot of words because they were holed up in libraries and basements studying all those years while you were crashing motorcycles and nailing single moms. We'll have to catch up. We need to start studying literature, essays and poetry to see how language works, and this time you can't have someone else do it for you. We may even have to open our minds to the texts of other cultures, other philosophies and ways of life. Then, when we've absorbed everything, we will turn around and trounce all those pansies.

"Say it! Say 'leaf' and 'leave' are homophones you pussy."

I won't pretend this is going to be quick either. It could take years. But if at some point in the studying and learning process you start to feel like it's not worth it, just keep in mind the day when you can hold the attention of all those smug nobodies with fancy compliments, cleverly distracting them while your insult sneaks around the back and crouches behind their knees, waiting for your push. That day is going to feel really good.

II. Getting Back to Basics

Over the years we've deviated from our core principles. Too many modern bullies are striking from afar, hurling insults across the internet. That's cowardly. What's more, it devalues the work of our bullying ancestors. You were gifted with physical superiority yet you've chosen a venue for tormenting where that quality holds no bearing. By instigating fights through social networks, you not only sacrifice the potential to prove how much stronger and better looking you are then that loser you're attacking, you've also unintentionally opened the door to thousands of nobodies trying their hand at harassment.

You gave nerds a taste of our power. That was irresponsible.

You birthed a weird hybrid bully. I hope you're happy with yourself.

I urge assholes everywhere to get back to the roots of bullydom, those pioneering moments that put us on the map in the first place: games of chicken in hotrods and ski races on our father's mountains, those were the environments where we always thrived and they also allowed us to prove how much money our families had. What was wrong with that plan? Why did we turn our backs on a system that was working so well? It consistently earned us the hottest girlfriends while simultaneously emasculating the new guy in town (with only a few, hardly memorable exceptions).

Pictured: Our heyday.

We ought to start again where we left off: capitalizing on our superior genes and excessive wealth instead of hiding behind obscure user names and blurry profile pics. We need to remind everyone that we are still the coolest by proving it through impromptu displays of dominance. It is high time we stand proudly once again in the face of the world, poke our collective finger in its chest and let it know exactly who our fathers are.

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Soren Bowie

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