Charlie Sheen's Guide to Mental Wellness
Several months ago, I wrote an article stating that, based on the fact that his reckless, dangerous, illegal behavior in no way hindered his career, Charlie Sheen was invincible. This claim was accepted by no one, with the notable exception of Sheen himself, who at this moment is shooting jet skiers from a helicopter somewhere over the Pacific.
Sheen read my obviously idiotic article and was so impressed at what he saw as an incredibly astute observation, that he reached out to me. He wanted me to ghostwrite a Self-Help book for people looking to imitate his lifestyle, or as he put it in the text he sent me, "u need me to let my nuts flap on your brain until a victory book comes out the other side, and how about that? Chaaaarrrrlieeee." I was reluctant at first but, when you get right down to it, Charlie Sheen has a whole lot of money and, well... here we are.
He sent it to print before I had a chance to copy edit, add page numbers or get paid, which is why I feel no guilt in saying buy this book right now!
Y'know...
ReplyMost of you nose ring/cock ring Xers were worshiping the ground this fella walked on till recently. His drug abuse, vices, womanizing, craziness etc. it was "If only I ----" Then, he made the mistake of offending his JEWISH producer. By no less than revealing his real name is Jewish... "Oy, vey! You out the door!" I mean, why in this day and age would a JEW have to LIE about his name with all you robots knee-jerk going "Raarrgg No anti-semitism! They no control media or banking! Raaarrggghhh! That I lost job to outsourcing and illegals my own fault, raarrrgghhh! It terrible what happen to jew! Raaarrrggghhh!" Heh, in the old days they made Golems from CLAY, now they just use the media... IMO the clay ones were smarter for didn't they eventually get a mind of their own and attack their creators?
Now, you "Fashionable radicals" think he's a source of mockery.
But he really was the same Charlie Sheen he was 10 years before they flipped a switch and it was "fashionable" to hate/mock him.
You frighten me. :/
"A miracle grows wherever I take a shit" HAS to be straight from the wizard's mouth.
ReplyAwesome article. You really outdid yourself here.
ReplyEven though I had been laughing at pretty much every sentence of this, I completely lost my s**t at "How Well Do You Winning? Enough to Forever?"
ReplyNow I can't stop laughing.
Absolutely stellar effort. Almost everything about this article was funny.
ReplyIs it bad that i never really liked charlie sheen until he went crazy? now he is my favorite actor...it's because he has tiger blood man
ReplyLMAO for the tiger blood milkshake XD Gummi bears - NOT optional
ReplyOh, anyone know where I can get a Tiger Blood-Extractor?
ReplyIf you have to ask, you're not WINNING!
Yes crazzies like Charli Sheen are like comets they come around maybe once in a life time and it is so f**king fantastic because u rarely see people who are so unapologetically crazy :D
ReplyThis is potentially the greatest book ever written. Awesome! You, my friend, are winning. Charlie Sheen... umm... not so much.
ReplyChrist, it's like he's Chuck Norris on cocaine.
ReplyI haven't got that impression from Christ, but that would make the bible way better.
"it means I win over here, and I win over there".....Awesome.
Replymaybe I'm the crazy one, but I think Charlie wants his own cult.
ReplyAnd it will be awesome.
And I shall join that cult.
Winning duh
ReplyI DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!
ReplyPoor Charlie. Is it only me or does he look just like a tall Kim Jong Il? My theory is that Quadaffi, Kim Jong Il and "Mr. Awesome" have the same virus. They all think they caused global warming and the north pole shift. I heard that God is standing by waiting for one of them to give him instructions. Coming soon: Charlie Sheen action figures with a vacuum attachment (accessories include a home meth lab and instructions for using flour for play cocaine). The action figure is too large for a simple plastic box, it comes in an armored steel shipping container. If you break it, a new limb grows back. Let your kid take it to school for show-and-tell and his class makes the teacher their b***h. Take it to a Catholic church and watch it burst into flames. It's head rotates 360 degrees while it spits curses and threats from hell. Like all males on this earth, my biggest regret is that our best efforts fall far, far short of the awesomeness and immortality of Charlie Sheen. Until we learn to emulate such greatness, we are all cowering idiots living in a fog of ignorance hoping that someday some of our descendants can learn to "bang 7 gram rocks" and hump porn stars 24/7. I personally hope that someday Charlie takes time off from bang'in rocks and ho's to cure HIV (which he's immune to) and fixing our world economic disaster (he's above that, too). Now, that's America and that's hollywood.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSir, you should be writing for the site. Brilliant.
Make that action figure a reality and you'll win at everything forever.
Kim Jong Il looks like a leprechaun-dyke hybrid.
oh boo hoo, a zillionaire self-absorbed douchebag with his own set of pornstars is sicky on tv. poor poopsie will get a book deal and a reality show out of this crap, the poor thing. he's crazy because he melted his brain on cocaine. i only feel sorry for him because he's fried himself too insane for professional help. and i actually feel sorry for his family, to look at your son, know that you handed him life on a silver platter, and all he did was snort it right off of it, in front of everybody.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI could not have said it better. The man gets every opportunity and benefit a person can have in life and he uses all that power and energy to f**k porn stars and snort coke. Then when he brainwashes the porn stars into stepford wives and scrambles his brain with coke we are all supposed to feel sorry for him? Bulls**t. I know people that have a fraction of his success yet live good honest lives and yet no one says dick when they suffer, so f**k him and his tiger blood. He would not give a s**t if any one of us died tomorrow so don't give him the benefit of sympathy.
I am so sick of these f**king celebrity's using air time to talk about how they f**k up their lives and how we should feel sorry for them. Or in his case how f**king great he is. While the rest of the world is in chaos. People are suffering all over the globe, people that did nothing to deserve it. So i will end this rant before i get any more angry and just say, save your sympathy for real tragedy's not this circus act.
But if it`s a circus act, he`s a clown and clowns always deserve sympathy.
Why are we talking about sympathy??? It was his own doing, unlike people who actually generally deserve sympathy..
I really feel sorry for Charlie, because he's actually having a mental breakdown. I don't mean to bring the article down, because I found it to be extremely hilarious, but if this was a normal person, no one would think it was funny. The people around him and the media are feeding Charlie's lunacy, making him think that this is okay. But it really isn't. He needs help really soon, and the only people that want to be around him right now are the people that are trying to take advantage of him.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesI'm really upset with his family and how they're handling the situation. Or not handling it. I wouldn't even let this happen to a stranger that I just met, let alone a family member.
I feel the same way. I've never had any strong feelings toward Charlie Sheen and I haven't seen his show other than in passing but he sounds like he's seriously ill.
you two are wrong. sorry guys, but he just like concaine and sex. I dont know why this is such a big deal. he's not saying anything that's any weirder than a willie nelson interview from the seventies (seriously, google it) and he's going into these interviews ON DRUGS. On top of that, his publicist is ALLOWING him to do these interviews! and poof! look he's everywhere. he'll proabbly be cast in a big budget movie within the next year. quote me on it. He's not crazy. he's just an aging rock star that's having some fun. He knows he can't do this s**t forever, but he can milk this for a while and he will. so what. let the man do his thing.
No, he is actually insane. I'm not saying that for comedy, he does have a mental health condition, and needs help immediently.
What could he possibly need help with!? A "problem" is only a problem if it negatively affects your life or someone else's life. Seeing as Charlie Sheen's life RULES HARD and he is clearly happy and "winning", I don't see what the problem is... I'd swap places with him "mental condition" or otherwise.
Do not judge his family members, you do not know them, or the level of pain they are living. There is only SO much you can do FOR or TO a person. It boils down to the fact that God gave us all the freedom of choice. That is all there is to be said about this. It is and has always been Charlies making and no one else is at fault. Period. No one has the right to judge people when they have never lived a day in thier shoes.
Well....thing is, his life does negatively affect him and his loved ones. The proof is in his multiple marriages and his bouncing around rehab clinics. If you beat your wife or significant other, you're "negatively affected" by your lifestyle.
All that bulls**t aside, I'll miss Two/Half Men without him. Moral p***ks can say whatever you want about the show, but that s**t was funny.
following charlie sheen's insanity still seems more logical and mentally stimulating than watching five min of jersey shore...just saying
ReplyTrue.
I might have added that to my list of favourite quotations...
out of Charlie sheen and Mad Dog Gaddafi, who`s the craziest?
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesgary busey
charlie sheen doesn't kill people, probably.
We haven't HEARD of him killing anyone.....yet.