If Violent Video Games Really Got Banned
Violence in video games has been a political topic ever since pussies were allowed to vote. And anti-game activists have gotten their stupid, punchable mouths back on the news recently because of Cliffy B's Bulletstorm. It may terrify parents, but any gamer can spot that Bulletstorm is an awesome, gory seizure of dick-killing action. It actually penalizes you if your victims die with a face or penis-- that's paradigm shifting. Oh, and speaking of penises, the game has worse dick jokes than a pediatric urologist. When you bring it home, your five-year-old will ask if you bought any games that are more mature. But aside from Bulletstorm's dialog being plagiarized from a bar urinal, it celebrates all that is good about mayhem.
Arguing with anti-video-game lobbyists about the merits of violence has never seemed fair. My side is tougher, has better research, and our girlfriends don't go through our email to prove their suspicions that we're gay. So instead of starting a philosophical debate about raising our children to be normal vs. raising them to be stupid, cowardly wusses, I created a machine capable puncturing the fabric of spacetime which retrieved this magazine from a dimension where video game violence has been outlawed. Behold the terrors of a world where the meek rule:
Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet when he made Seanbaby.com. You can follow him on Twitter or face him on Facebook.
Violent video games don't make you violent. Violence makes you violent.
Reply"I broke both my ankles running from a picture of punch." kinda pissed m'self on that one. I think the one thing most parents don't realize, is that they can put the f***ing PARENTAL SETTINGS to only play "E" or "T" games on EVERY F***KING CONSOLE. Damn people, read a manual every once and a while. Too busy blaming everything else for their kids' mental issues I s'pose. pricks
ReplyOk let me just put it this way , I played manhunt at 11
Replyand still do not have a criminal record , plus i own a weapon of which i have never used on a human being
so really saying video games are the cause of violence is really stupid
If this ever comes to pass, please kill me.
ReplyWhat critics of violent videogames keep forgetting: The violent videogames are the only thing that keeps us from ripping their heads off and shitting down their throats...
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesStill doesn't explain how your familial predecessors faired before you were born into the digital.
They didn't, remember the Native Americans or the Africans or.....
Everyone the Vikings met, everyone the Huns met, World War One, World War Two, every other war, every genocide, imperialism...
The funny thing is, the guy who was trying to get violent videogames banned? SCHWARZENEGGER! IRONY!
Replyhahaha wow...frosting...abortion golf...batman/ robocop eating contests...made me chuckle.
Replyabortion golf?how does that work?put-put that dead fetus far,far away from here!
I could turn on TV right now and watch a girl getting her a*****e reamed by two black men simultaneously while also being gag-f**ked down her throat by a 12 inch c**k. Anyone with cable can turn on TV and see that. But you can't even buy Halo without a valid photo identification proving you're at least 18.
ReplyI can't. Where the hell do you live?
I'm guessing... Thailand?
If violent video games got banned.... we will compensate by killing each other right f**king now. That's how human nature is.
ReplyI say bring back the gladiators.
And make us control them.
OH SHIT! THERE'S A MOVIE ABOUT IT.
We have gladiators. We call them demolition derby drivers. Their motto: If it runs, we can crash it. Their job: Drive a hearse and a sedan together at top speed in a mud pit and hit with enough force to make the resulting thud felt in the stands. Better than some gay guys fighting.
this article makes me glad I dont live in Australia.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesDitto, & I hear Germany is just as bad when it comes to games. Didn't Australia recently pass a law where you can sell porn but it's illegal to buy it?
They passed one where the porn can have no breasts smaller than a B cup.
we just recently had the R rating put in and about the porn, it is illegal to sell X rated porn in our states but not in our territories that and the law is rarely enforced...... I'm now looking forward to a Skyrim that allows me to eat people..... or beat my wife...... or make a living tanning leather!!!!
who here remembers manhunt anyone
Oh man, the frosting... Good article!
Reply[brace for serious comment] Dude, cannot f**king stop laughing at your first pic. God DAMMED hilarious, keep up the good work, you a*****e!
ReplyMan, I lost it on Mike Tyson's Punk-Out. I heard this guy I used to work with (who happened to be against violence in video games, come to think of it), use every single one of those lines at one point or another. Twice about three seconds before he got his ass handed to him.
ReplyI swear, when sexism and h**ophobia are as dead as racism should be by now, this article will still be funny. The frosting can bit killed me.
Replylol very funny
ReplyWhen you watch a Let's Player on youtube, you discover that video games don't make people violent killers, they turn people into complete pussies.
Reply"Violence in video games has been a political topic ever since pussies were allowed to vote."
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesWin.
My p*ssy loves violent video games.
Plenty of girls like violent video games. In fact, that's the only type of video game I play!
Wait, is "pussies" not censored? Only "p***y"?
Wow. So the Cracked censor system implicitly condones talking about orgies and lesbian encounters, but can't stand the thought of plain old-fashioned sex where there's only one pair of meat lips involved? Outrageous and highly titillating!
you girls do realize that he doesn't mean "women" when he says "pussie," right? he means pussies. like people who are pussies. like vegans n such.
jack thompson SUCKS. fact.
ReplyClearly Batman would win in a hotdog eating contest against Robocop because Robocop's metal torso would prevent his stomach from expanding.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesEr, derrr!
Also, batman could conceal a bazillion hotdogs in his belt, while robocop maybe like a dozen in his lap-gun thing...
man batman sure must have alot of holes to put all those hotdogs in
Hmm, I wonder if you can bring performance enhancing equipment to a hotdog eating contest.
If so Batman could always use Robin for storing hotdogs.
guys if I say I saw a rated r movie at age 2 no one cares.
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesIf I said I played a rated m game at age 16 then I will get assraped.
You could not understand a r movie at two, hence no one cares.
No one cares if you're playing a rated M game at age 16, there are eleven and twelve year olds playing Call of duty Black Ops right now, because there parents don't know whats going on in the game
As a 13 year old, I don't give an ass f**k s**t b***h about that stuff, niga'. No video game ever left a motherf**king emotional scar on me, b***hes. I will blow your motherf**king eye out.
Satire. It rocks.
explaining your own joke.It's lame.
Straya Day. Get outta my country.
@Mightymaas Or perhaps their parents arent ignorant f**k-heads who think video games cause murder
Hahaha my boss's son is like 7 and he plays COD all the time. While his 5 year old sister watches.