CRACKED ROUND-UP: We Do Not Sell Cocaine, Edition

Seriously people, do you get this now? Cracked.com does not and never will sell crack or any other form of cocaine. The name is just a coincidence and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

We do still sell sudafed, though.

Nothing says "mid-February" like the shattered dreams of children. Soren Bowie illustrates this well, with a list of his students who will never be president. Bucholz tackled the mystery of tongues next, specifically as it applied to that one reporter at the Grammys. Brockway was next with the dark motive behind every game of Dungeons and Dragons. Seanbaby closed us out with the least erotic workout videos in the world.

FILM INDUSTRY

6 Awards That Would Actually Make Oscars Worth Watching Not that anything could make the Oscars worth watching this year. There's not a single Batman movie up for consideration.

Notable Comment: "Ray Liotta, STOP LAUGHING! Dear God, you don't know how to laugh!"

Ray Liotta knows only how to leer, DemonCat.

DARING DASHES

The 6 Most Epic Escapes Across Hostile Territory Don't worry, that time you snuck into a Black Eyed Peas concert is still super impressive.

Notable Comment: "Excellent piece. Had I cajones the size of any of these folks, I'd have dipped them in brass and used them for bell clappers."

We're not 100% certain what NickolasFur means, but we're pretty sure we agree.

HORRIBLE TRUTH

6 Beloved Organizations (Started For Terrifying Reasons) Who knows what sketchy organizations today could be the Planned Parenthoods of the future?

Notable Comment:"I'd take a ballet dancer over a stripper any day of the of the week. They're MUCH more attractive and wear better outfits."

RiderFan knows what's up.

KILL 'EM ALL

The 7 Most Stupidly Overpowered Hunting Weapons Who needs 'sport' when your gun can sink a cruise ship?

Notable Comment:"If you hunt with anything more elaborate than a foxhound and a horse you're doing it wrong."

Refined_Sir thinks he's so fancy just because he knows what a foxhound is.

THANKS SCIENCE

7 Life-Altering Decisions Made For You Before Your Birth Humanity will be no fun at all in a few more years.

Notable Comment: "So to sum it up. science is trying to cure fun?"

Don't worry, nfldpunx, we'll always have masturbation.

Jandrew Comedy

Most Awkward Game Ever Penis.

YOU YOU YOU!

If Google Search Results Had a Sense of Humor We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Every Children's Game Was Made Into a Movie and Ads for Products That Apparently Exist in Movies.

2.24.11:

Needless to say, Mom wasn't allowed to do puppet shows at the school carnival anymore
by metsfan

Editor's pick:

We'll see your foot-binding, China, and we'll raise you.
by bcanders

2.23.11:

It may look whimsical, but when the music stops the guy with only one hat has to go and fight the tentacle monster.
by bcanders

Editor's pick:

In order to appear less gay, The Backstreet Boys have used these guys as their opening act for years.
by satanity

2.22.11:

Street luge was a very popular sport in Pompeii.
by Diasdiem

Editor's pick:

"Why will no one buy my caskets?"
by metsfan

2.21.11:

"Fuck, I should've put on the shirt FIRST."
by ChaseMitchell

Editor's pick:

I'm not surprised that his thought balloons are empty.
by Malaclips

2.20.11:

"Rogaine's a hell of a drug."
by Glorpinato

Editor's pick:

"You know what I say? If you're trying to piss off PETA, then make sure you REALLY piss them off."
by Mario!!!

2.19.11:

This woman did more for the anti-drug movement in 4 minutes than D.A.R.E. did in 20 years.
by DizzleDrizzle

Editor's pick:

Alanis thought it was quite ironic that she'd been reduced to this. Of course, she still didn't know what the word meant, so she was still wrong.
by RodneyHardman

2.18.11:

Here's one stone. You know what to do.
by Leaf

Editor's pick:

Nerducken.
by Mothra24