Hunting: It is an age-old dance. It is a sacred covenant between the predator and the prey ... and the guy bristling with a half-dozen giant cannons and sporting only the most advanced cloaking technology. Sure, it's not "fair" to the animal, and sure there's no "sport" in it, and sure it makes you "kind of a dick," but answer us this: If deer like living so much, why didn't they invent high explosives, huh? If that logic made sense, well then, buddy, have we got some stupidly overpowered hunting gadgets for you:
The .577 Tyrannosaur round is, well, let's just say they don't name something "the T-Rex" because of its subtly engineered grace:
The one on the left is the T-Rex; the fourth is an ordinary shotgun round
It's a bullet so large that you can't actually use it. Here's a clip of people trying to fire it:
About the fifth time a loaded rifle goes hurtling out of a man's hands and careening around a roomful of people, you get the feeling this might not be entirely safe.
"Haha! We are a danger to ourselves and those around us!"
But hey, it's still a fine weapon: After all, the problem isn't that it doesn't kill what you're shooting at, just that it quite possibly kills you and all of your friends in the process. It's kind of the same process as a honeybee leaving its stinger -- just replace the stinger with high explosives and the honeybee with four drunken idiots.
The round was originally designed to stop the headlong charges of big game, but we'll let this review speak to its effectiveness there: "It is not at all clear that [the T-Rex Round] will kill an elephant or a buffalo or a hippo any better than a well placed hit from a 470, and, of course, it will not do anything with a badly placed hit except annoy the recipient."
So basically, the Tyrannosaur round is only for dipshits who need to overcompensate for something more than they need working arms to shield their faces from angry bears, or else it's for expert hunters who have become so jaded by their excessive prowess that they feel the need to handicap themselves. Possibly literally.
"These unbroken hands are an unfair advantage."
The Shadow Shield is a new kind of blind -- a camouflaged shelter that allows hunters to get close enough to their targets to fire shots. But the Shadow Shield takes that concept a bit further, in that it is to game what the Predator's cloaking device was to Arnold Schwarzenegger:
What is that? Something nailed to the tree?
Oh, it's an invisible man with a gun. Really, dude? I'm a fucking deer.
The Shadow Shield is a brilliantly simple idea: It's just a reflective folding wall, with a small slit to place a gun through. You can't see your own reflection while looking at it, because it's angled slightly forward. If you were to get close enough, you would see that it's just a mirror, and then you'd see a gun barrel pointing at your head, and then you'd probably see whatever God deer are worshiping these days. Odin, maybe?
Is that an invisible 50s-era sci-fi robot?
Nope: Just a dude masturbating. Come on, he is. It's just one of those things you intrinsically know.
So hurry on out and buy yourself a Shadow Shield! Look, you saw for yourself: No downside! Even if you move, all the animals will see is a slightly rustling bush. And that's all your hunter friends will see, too. Just a tantalizing, rustling bush ...
We'll let the website text introduce you to the Super Talon Net Gun: "Need an alternative to darts? Get a net gun. Need to rescue a bird that got entangled? Grab a net gun. Have a pet that always thinks you're trying to play tag with it and darts every time you get close? Grab a net gun."
That's right: From hunting to humanitarian missions to just getting your dog to hate you, nothing does it better than a cartoonish net-firing hand-cannon. Don't worry -- it doesn't require any special licenses or permits to operate, because it's technically classified as a "tool" instead of a "firearm" -- and you will be too, once you deploy something out of a Batman villain's arsenal just to bag a squirrel. It comes with a hefty $900 price tag, but for the arch nemesis on a budget, you can always just build one yourself.
Look, you're a hunter -- we all know that the logical evolution of this little hobby is going to terminate with you hunting the ultimate game: man. And Super Talon has got your back on that: The net gun's also meant for people! Law enforcement agencies purportedly use it "for riot control" so the subjects "are detained but not harmed," although safe money says it's really "for shits and giggles" because the subjects "are too drunk to remember you fired a net at the bar."
The Barnes Varmint Grenade isn't actually a grenade, just a precisely engineered hollow-point bullet. It comes in two sizes: Regular ...
You've probably at least heard of hollow-points before, so you know they're somehow more deadly than regular bullets. But those of you who aren't "gun people" need to see it in action to appreciate just how ridiculously overpowered it is:
Yes, those were prairie dogs, and yes, they were exploding into vapor.
The Varmint Grenade was designed by Barnes using "military-grade technology" to ensure that larger animals can be killed without damaging their valuable pelts, because the bullets expand so rapidly on impact that they don't actually punch through the other side of a larger animal. Small entrance hole on one side, nonexistent exit hole on the other side, bag of nice soft fur filled with animal soup inside. We should mention at this point that hollow-point bullets were actually banned for use in war by the Hague Convention, which predated the Geneva Conventions, because of their "inhumanity" ... so it's a good thing you're not usin' 'em on humanity, ain't it?! Yee-haw! Let's commitin' war-crimes agin' opossums!