7 Psychotic Pieces of Relationship Advice from Cosmo

What kind of consequences he can expect:

The great thing about Cosmopolitan is that it regularly features both relationship red flag articles and "how to get back at him for cheating" articles. So, say this man's girlfriend listened to the former (that is, that her man is cheating because he can really paint a picture with words). Now she just picks up the next issue and figures out what to do about it:

"Resist the urge to break up with him until the day of his big meeting -- then give him a Sharpie mustache right before his alarm goes off."

There's no way your co-workers will notice.

As if work hasn't been stressful enough as it is, our hypothetical man's reward for talking to this hypothetical woman who obeys the mighty word of Cosmo about all the crap he deals with at work is ... more crap he has to deal with at work. Now he's stuck at the office looking like a 16-year-old trying to eke out his contribution to Movember.

Sheesh, what a rough day. After barely making the Friday deadline on his report (and writing in that "random performance review" about a Sharpie mustache), the man is on his way home. And he could sure use a drink after that day. Oh, if only it were that simple.

Constant, ceaseless fear of judgment is the backbone of any successful relationship or totalitarian government.

As it turns out, a man's dry throat is another giveaway that he's hiding something from his girlfriend. Here's what Cosmo has to say:

"Keeping something from you makes him nervous, and his body actually goes into freak-out mode. 'When a secret is big enough that he's worried he may lose something important if it's revealed, research shows that his esophageal muscles will start to constrict, causing his throat to dry up,' says Janine Driver, president of The Body Language Institute and author of You Say More Than You Think. 'So if he begins swallowing a lot during your conversation, it's because he's trying to loosen up those throat muscles.' "

Or because he just burned a fat one to ease the stress of dealing with your daily accusations of infidelity.

Yep, he's really got some 'splaining to do now. "Are you nervous about something? What are you nervous about? What are you hiding? Big presentation, huh? Really? What, exactly, were we 'presenting' again? Your horrible package to that bitch Sarah?"

"I don't KNOW if she's prettier than you, because YOU won't agree to a threesome."

What kind of consequences he can expect:

Here's a juicy item from the list of revenge techniques that Cosmo recommends she use when she thinks a man is cheating on her. Yes, these are revenge suggestions for when she merely thinks -- not knows -- that he's cheating:

"Serve up Ex-Lax brownies to give him puh-lenty of time to sit and think about what he's done."

Pro Tip: Never be in this situation, ever.

If he thinks he's dehydrated now, he has has no idea what he's in for when the Ex-Lax Experience causes his body to expel liquid for three days straight. See how much lying you can do when you lapse into a dehydration coma, you duplicitous monster!

According to Cosmo, a guy wanting more sex is yet another sign that he's hiding something:

"Yes, maybe he's just extrahorny or you're looking extrahot, but a sudden surge in his sexual appetite can also be a sign that something's awry. 'A man who's hiding something won't want to connect emotionally through conversation because he's afraid if he does, he'll spill the secret,' says Krista Bloom, PhD, a psychologist in Florida. 'Instead, because he loves you, he'll look to fill that void by connecting with you physically.' But since various things can cause a spike in a guy's sex drive -- like an awesome shift in your relationship sparked by, say, getting engaged -- don't accuse him of anything without ruling out other explanations."

Like aliens. Women never blame the aliens.

Granted, they do say to rule out other explanations first. But notice they mention this only after they've already explained in detail how and why he's cheating. And they don't say to confirm the cheating - they say to simply rule out other factors. Then you're safe to assume he's banging somebody else. Why acknowledge a smidgen of reasonable doubt when assuming the worst possible scenario is so much more exciting?

"If my love life isn't as dramatic as Hollywood tells me it should be, I know something's wrong."

What kind of consequences he can expect:

He's in for a night in the hospital, because his girlfriend just read this:

"Challenge him to a naked wrestling match and whip out your signature move, the Ten-Fingered Ball-Crusher."

Congratulations -- your hand is now a war criminal.

Hey, he wanted to physically connect with his significant other. This is technically fulfilling that need, right? She's never been closer to his junk, now that her fingers are crushing it into a pulpy mass of shame and pain. It's probably a good thing that he'll never be capable of maintaining an erection again, because if wanting it means that he's cheating on her, being physically incapable of it must be the ultimate sign of fidelity.

Double standards aren't fair. Why should a guy ask his significant other to keep up appearances if he's not willing to himself? So, in a show of solidarity, he shoves his percolating homophobia back into the deepest recesses of his subconscious, pulls his hair clippers out of the closet and start grooming his manly regions. Heck, he figures he might as well get in shape, too, so he tries a new workout routine at the gym.

Bad move: According to Cosmo, this isn't just a sign that he's hiding something, it's a sign that he's outright cheating on her:

His heart is true. And clogged.

" 'This is so obvious, but it's a sign many women miss: If your man starts grooming down there without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he's spending more time naked,' says Vranich. You can actually thank porn for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his sexual prowess, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: He's spending more time at the gym."

Who exactly are you trying to impress, hypothetical man, what with all the weightlifting and the pruning? Your girlfriend? That can't possibly be the case. She's got crippling self-esteem problems, thanks in no small part to all of these Cosmo articles, so she'll never believe that you started doing things out of consideration for her, nor even for your own health and personal well-being. No, the only possible explanation for your sudden interest in sit-ups is that later that night you're attending the most vile orgy that history has seen since Caligula.

You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.

What kind of consequences he can expect:

Fiery punishment awaits the man stupid enough to try to improve his physical appearance for his girlfriend without her asking:

"Dust the insides of his freshly washed boxers with hot chili powder."

That's what you get for exercising.

Hopefully the burning won't kick in until he's hip-deep in writhing skanks, so as to optimize the casualties, like a genital-based revenge grenade. That'll teach you to take up jogging, you morally bankrupt pervert.

Nice try.

" 'The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills,' says Belisa Vranich, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. So if he's being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he's more evasive."

Get ready for either solitude or the joy of library computing.

He didn't feel it was her business to have complete, unrestricted access to his business email. There is literally no possible reason for that kind of mistrust; what has she done in the past to give him reason to doubt her? Was it the Sharpie mustache that may have gotten him fired? "Why aren't you over that? Who keeps bringing it up? Sarah? Is it that vacuum-hearted bitch from space, Sarah? IS IT?!"

What kind of consequences he can expect:

Naturally, Cosmo's revenge list has the perfect answer for this particular transgression:

"Donate his 60-inch plasma to charity."

"No, officer, you don't understand! It was a sassy act of revenge. Doesn't that grant me immunity?"

Well, so much for being overly protective of his gadgets. Just give her the goddamn passwords! That's what love is all about, you know: blind, mostly fear-based trust.

Man, how did an uptight guy like him ever land a cool chick like her? He's always fretting over everyday things, but he'd better do something about that, before the stress tears them apart. So, he promises himself that, from now on, he's not gonna let the trivial things bother him. Not the theft, or the attempted murder, or even the genital mutilation. It's time to just let the small things slide.

A three-bar-a-day Xanax habit helps with that.

... aaand he's cheating on her again. Cosmo:

" 'If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added sex and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy,' Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships: 'If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.' "

This is how he should look at all times.

That's right. If, after all of the horrible things Cosmo has demanded she do to him, he is still capable of smiling at anything, it must be because he's getting some random sex and attention on the side.

What kind of consequences he can expect:

So he's not gonna sweat the small stuff, huh? Here's how his girlfriend might decide to test that, care of Cosmo:

"Invite your friends to a backyard bonfire using his clothes and prized sports equipment as kindling."

"Burning plastic gives off dangerous fumes, ma'am. All your friends will need to be hospitalized.
You're going to jail for creating a danger to public health."

Yes, wanton property damage and mild arson is the only fair punishment for a man's newfound pep.

That's right, you cheating pool of hateful filth. That's what you get for letting the little things go: having to let all of your big things go also. Got a smile on your face now? No? Good! Look how faithful you're being. You're really learning, aren't you?

There's nothing quite like love.

According to Cosmo, that could be a sign that the guy is no longer in love wit-

What? No! He didn't even do anything this time! It's all his friend! Please, Cosmo!

Ahem. The friend's behavior could be a sign that he's no longer in love with her:

"Even though a player's bros may be friendly enough, they probably won't ask you many personal questions about your job, interests, etc. The ugly truth: They don't want to invest time and energy getting to know you because they figure you're not going to be around very long."

"I just don't have the extra mental energy to show basic human interest in any more attractive women. Two is my limit."

Yup. The fact that his buddy doesn't take the time to ask her personal questions (you know, stuff like, "What are your hopes and dreams for a brighter tomorrow?" ... or maybe, "How do you think we can simultaneously solve the oft-conflicting problems of world hunger and depleted rain forests?") is clearly a sign that the relationship is doomed.

What kind of consequences he can expect:

Here's another appropriate item from Cosmo's revenge list:

"You know his best friend -- the guy he can't live without? Show up at his apartment wearing only a trench coat."

What man could say no to the sexual advances of his best friend's abusive, crazy girlfriend?

See, there you go. Your best friend wouldn't talk to her, which is clearly your fault, so now she's going to sexually destroy every meaningful relationship in your life. But on the upside, at least Cosmo's avatar of destruction on Earth has shifted its attention from you and focused the white hot laser of its wrath on your best friend instead. Now you're free! Sure, you're a broken, unemployed, impotent and psychologically ruined human being with no ties -- material or personal -- to the world at large. But hey, you're a perfect candidate for both homelessness and cultism ... things are looking up!

Enjoy pooping in boxes and muttering vaguely about "that bitch" for the rest of your natural life.

Check out more of Dennis' musings on dating and relationships here.

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For more reasons to never trust Cosmo, ever, check out 7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital. Or learn about some other places you shouldn't got to for love advice, in The 5 Worst Places to Go for Online Sex Advice.

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