As you know, I’m officially qualified to be an Internet sex expert. I have the required card, t-shirt and non-prescription glasses required for reading emails from strangers about their too-dry or too-moist orifices. Most importantly for the Internet half of my two-word title, I’ve only had sex three times and once was arguably a hilarious accident.
In addition to those things, the job requires constant vigilance. Imagine how silly I’d feel if the government invented a new sex position and I didn’t even know about it. I'd be over here telling people they should take pictures of themselves doing the Wheelbarrow when the coolest new thing is the Fretful Amish.
Verily, my barn is raised
All of which is to say that I spend a veritable pantload of my time perusing the sites on this Internet in search of new information and pictures of underboob. But sometimes I come across other sex experts who may, in fact, possess fewer qualifications than me. How can I make such a judgment? Because look at this dumb shit:
#5. Dating and Seduction for Dummies
This is an eBook, so right off the bat it’s a legitimate source of information in the way a hobo is a legitimate source for tips on camping. Still, it says it’s for dummies so they’ll probably be too busy slapping themselves excitedly in the helmet to doubt anything they find here.
The writing advises that one magic word you’re going to need when you start on your journey to become a debonair hump sultan is “no.” Or, more specifically he says, “The same word that will keep a puppy from wetting the carpet will also keep a woman from shitting on you!” Hey there, Mr. Charmer, my hole is already fluttering!
Let the humping commence!
Now why is being able to say no to a woman so important? Because it represents “something she's instinctively wanted since she realized she's female: A MAN SHE COULD NEVER HOPE TO CONTROL.” For real, the original quote is all in caps.
Chapter six of this particular eBook is entitled “How to Fake Like You Are Warm and Friendly”--which is a good indicator this guide is mostly aimed at sociopaths. The gist of the entire chapter is to treat women like they’re special. Oh man, what a ruse! After, you can return to your lair and twirl your caught-in-the-throes-of-puberty mustache while plotting ways to steal candy from children and make the sauce at the Arby’s where you work a little more special.
This E. coli is scrumptious
As an added bonus, the book goes on to list these sure fire ways to get laid like crazy.
- Practice the Pledge of Allegiance in a friendly voice
- Steal photos of actresses or place an ad in the paper for a fake modeling gig to get photos and go through them at restaurants pretending you make movies
- Tell women they’re pretty
- Use this awesome line “"My name's ________. By what name are you called, you shining example of genetic perfection?"
Of course, the author recognizes that not all women will fall for catchy lines like that and may zing you with this acerbic retort: “I’m really not interested in meeting you.” Did your balls just shrivel a little? Probably. But don’t worry! There are some handy replies you can use, like “Chill out, skirt!” Holy shit, you showed her! Her vagina is probably going to fall off now.
Naturally, the book continues on to explain how to seduce women with hypnosis--but by this point, unless you have a number of restraining orders against you, it’s not really worth reading any longer.
Despite the overuse of cornstarch and tears, good, wholesome Christians apparently want to engage in coitus as much as the next person. The problem is many Christians don’t know how to reconcile their bonerous desires with years of scrunching their eyes tight and desperately asking the Lord to quiet their quivering loins, and help them suppress the psychokinetic abilities caused by menstruation.
Christian Answers is a site designed to help you get the Lord and your hard-on reading from the same page. And it’s pretty much as uncomfortable as that statement makes it seem.
Helpfully available in Hungarian as well as English, Christian Answers can let you know some basic sex info, as well as cluing you into what God thinks about your debauchery. For instance, what are the consequences of sexual immorality? The answer: Bringing great pleasure to Satan. Yes, apparently every time you give someone a reach around, Satan high fives a buddy.
I love you, man!
This information doesn’t particularly tell you how to please your wife or give you the secret to a healthy marriage. It does, however, reassure you that any time from here on out when you whip out your wang, the source of all evil in existence is not only watching, he’s loving it. You are the Devil’s Porn. Have fun enjoying that sob-saturated handjob now.
I like this site because it’s a pastiche of incomplete thoughts and poor grammar that seems to have been butchered from other, equally awful sources. All towards the goal of getting you laid, man!
This is a site in the vein of that Mystery character--which is to say it is designed by and for the sorts of guys who kept bugs as pets when they were kids and now feel like the world, and women in particular, owe them something. This is because they’re “fucktarded.” (A diagnosis my certification as a clinical Internet sex expert makes binding. I can also prescribe shutting the fuck up, and am required to do everything with attitude, a foul mouth and while wearing an earring.)Like this, if he wrote articles about dildos
In their efforts to help you score any woman you want, the site assures you that you need to be a badass dude with a commanding sexual presence. How do you pull that off? Follow me here:
- Long handshake
- Eye contact
- Order coffee with a sexual subtext
I only went to school for Philosophy, so most days I have to strain to think, but I’m having trouble cracking that last nutshell to get to the deliciousness within.
Lest you think that one line is the only nonsensical mind turd they've lobbed at the Web, they offer up things like “Don’t make a girl do something she doesn’t want to do - she should feel great doing even the most 'dirty' things.” Which basically means she’s still going to do it, just convince her she likes it. This is also known in some circles as “You’re Not a Raper, You’re Just Enthusiastic.”We've been violated, huzzah!
As a fun twist, the site also has tips for ladies, a category of humanity it should be obvious by now these folks are clearly unqualified to speak to. Like this bit on the wonders of that mysterious position from the east known as doggystyle: “It’s the position of choice for 99 percent of the animal kingdom, which means our biosystems are innately keyed into that pose.” Did you hear that? Your DNA or your nervous system or some shit is just begging to be bent over. It’s science, people. And when the science of getting railed tells you something's natural, you'd better listen. Otherwise, that nerd who hyperventilates every time you talk to him might be forced to make you do something you don't want to.
#2. Men's Lifestyle Websites
"Men’s lifestyle" websites are distinct from women’s lifestyle websites in that there are more long lists of hot women and very few references to heavy flow. Yes, the differences between the sexes are remarkable. But sometimes the men at a Men's Lifestyle websites will ask women to tell you about sex. Somehow these women always end up telling you exactly what you want to hear, almost like their jobs depend on it.
An engaging piece about anal sex at one Men's Lifestyle site uses phrases like “the tang of taboo,” “the rectum, once it’s ready, literally swallows the penis up and can’t get enough” and “the back passage transforms itself into a sexual playground” to let you know that women think anal sex feels good. Except for when it causes “cold sweats, shivers, extreme agony and a massive chemical release into the blood stream that causes pain.” But if you get past that, it’s as cool as Batman fighting a shark. With a lightsaber.
Ladies and gentlemen, this concludes the Internet
You might think their list of “8 Bizarre Sex Tips” would be full of warnings about the sorts of strange sex tips you'd read on Cracked.com until you realize they really want you to try these things. This is especially bad news for women, since tip number eight is to do her at right angles. They had to resort to math to finish out their list on sex. Math. And not even sexy math like calculus. Geometry. No one ever got laid because of geometry. And no one should get laid with it. It’s a small step from having sex at right angles to trying to figure out if a train leaves Boston traveling west at 100-mph and another train leaves Seattle traveling east at 120-mph, is a handjob in a Wal-Mart changing room a good idea?
I swear I won't peek. Start fappin'.
Possibly the greatest contribution Ask Men offers comes not from an article on sexual angles, but one on a serious issue we all will face sometime: how can you subtlety tell your girlfriend she’s a fatass? They wrote a top 10 list to cover this. Tips include buying her too-small clothes, feeding her smaller portions and playfully grabbing her love handles. Later you can sit on the porch swing while she churns the butter and beat your children for talking back to you. Or you can go with their number three tip of sabotaging her chair. See, once you remove a few screws, she’ll sit and the chair will break, allowing her to realize to what Shrekian proportions she’s grown. Never once does the article mention what to do if your girlfriend punches you in the throat as a result of any of this.
This method of picking up women was pioneered by a man named David DeAngelo who seriously believes that the key to meeting women is to insult them. And while it’s true that you can meet people that way, but you could also meet them by popping a squat on their foot.
See, by insulting them, perhaps by saying her pants look like a five-pound sack jammed full of 10-pounds of ass, you’re demonstrating that you’re an alpha male who is completely unintimidated by her beauty. In fact, the way she looks is so boring to you, to amuse yourself you need to insult her or risk hurtling headfirst into a coma of boredom. How could she resist?
The best part about this method is that, even if it works, you’re still an asshole. Not a lot of guys are willing to commit to that, so this is for hardcore playas only.
Too high on smack to even know what "misanthrope" means.
DeAngelo himself says in a video that he spent years trying to figure out how to date women and read all the books and went to all the seminars. Did you ever do that in an effort to get a date? Probably not, unless you’re crazier than a shithouse rat and so socially maladjusted you view women in the same detached way hunters track deer.
DeAngelo also espouses being “cocky and funny” which is awesome because I write Internet comedy and own a rooster. Normally I hate to borrow other people’s material, but man, check out some of these hilarious lines that are guaranteed to pick up ladies:
- “It’s tough to be such a sex symbol.”
- “So do you always go around dressed like a hooker?”
- “I like your shoes. I bet they looked great when they were new.”
It’s like Dane Cook and Wilt Chamberlain just fucked on my desk and gave birth to those three hilarious and sexified bullet points. In fact, I just had sex twice while I was typing them out and I don’t even know how or with whom.